Cafe de Desiree

February 27, 2017

Today I Threw a Spoon at my Toaster

Filed under: depression,grief,love — desi83 @ 4:46 am
Tags: , , , ,

It’s a strange feeling, to feel so distant from everyone and everything around me. I do what I need to in order to get by. I wouldn’t call this sadness or anger. I don’t know what it is. Apathy? No, not quite, because I’m constantly worried. I want to feel those normal human feelings. Today I threw a spoon at my toaster. It hasn’t been working right lately; it’s ten years old. My boyfriend stood there looking very concerned, rightly so. “What can I do?” “Let me help you,” he insisted. He’s beyond wonderful to me, and he’s understandably worried about my behavior lately. Truthfully, I threw the damn spoon because I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel anger. The opportunity presented itself, and it felt exhilarating. Then, I felt stupid.

Truthfully, I do still feel something when I’m with him. I love him so much, and he has been my rock through this episode that I’m having. Every time he hugs me, kisses me, or holds my hand, I feel a connection. It’s a little tug into the world, outside of these walls that I’ve been stuck behind. Then there’s my mom. When I’m having a melt-down, I can call her and know that she will calm me down. She knows just what to say. It wasn’t always like that. She used to get angry with me, and maybe it’s because it used to happen more often when I was younger. Maybe she understands me better now. I haven’t been able to completely come back into the world, though, and I’m not sure what the answer is…a healthy diet, sleep, and the will to just keep going through the motions as I just give myself time, I guess is the way. When it comes down to it, right now I just want to crawl under the covers and not get up until this passes. I know that I can’t though. So, sometimes I’ll have to throw a spoon, or I’ll have to kiss my boyfriend in the middle of a crowded room, or I’ll drink too much and laugh too loudly in public.

This might be grief. It might be depression, or anxiety, or all three rolled into one messy package that I didn’t ask for. I just hope that soon I can knock down these walls, or there might be no one left for me outside of them.

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July 30, 2013

Alternate reality and Self Discovery

Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 4:30 am
Tags: , , ,

Lately…well, actually, since I left my management career in September 2012, I feel as though I am living in an alternate reality. I’m not here, but I am not totally separated from here. I am in a dream looking at everyone else’s reality around me. People are living their lives, some of them are even where they are supposed to be. I was in a misery of my own making for 5 years, so I suppose that I have gone into hiding since I escaped. Living with my parents and figuring out what to do next has been a slower process than intended, but I was a little gun shy. I am now working a job that pays well but is quite mindless. It is the first step, though. I am headed to school this fall to earn my elementary education certification, and I am working on my English as a second language curriculum at the speed of a turtle with two broken legs. However, I will have it finished soon, so I could go anywhere and teach anyone English as a second language. So, then, where am I going exactly? I don’t fit here. I have never really felt right anywhere. I am restless and bored with my surroundings! So the plan…I’m going to finish school this year and continue hiding out at my parents’ house while saving as much money as possible. As soon as I finish school, I am going to travel. I am going to discover new places, even if it is just quick weekend trips since I’ll still have to work. I am going to either find a new place or at least fulfill this need to see outside of this tiny little piece of the world where I live. I am not meant to be stationary. I think that has been an issue with me as far as dating as well. I have had difficulty finding someone who I am in sync with, so I have just settled oftentimes for someone who seemed good enough at the time. I never thought I was that different from anyone else, but it has been amazingly tough to find someone who gets me. And it doesn’t help that I have had trouble “getting me” too! Sure, I am 30, but I don’t think it is my time to find a husband and have babies like everyone else does at this point. I think I need the next couple of years to discover something bigger than that. Although I do hope that one day, and hopefully before wrinkles begin to show, that I will find someone to discover the world with me.

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