Cafe de Desiree

July 11, 2017

The Wanderers’ Home

My boots are tied tightly, and my hair is pulled back,

I’m ready to attack with my yellow day pack,

Nature is unwilling to let me in without a fight,

Spider webs, ticks, and honeybees give me a fright,

Roots hidden by mounds of dirt and rock unsteady me,

Then, suddenly, my route is halted by a fallen tree,

I carefully climb over the conifer and march on, alone,

I find a broken limb to slash through brush overgrown,

I begin to climb the steep hill so I can finally stop,

I know not what I’ll discover once I reach the top,

I am stronger and braver from this expedition,

But I am ready for my desire to come to fruition,

When I reach the top, my lungs begin to tighten,

My eyes water as the Sun, she sparkles and brightens,

And my eyes are met with the vastest, bluest skies,

His eyes, like the sky, penetrate my soul, those soft blue eyes,

I stand on the highest cliff and surrender to the heavens,

Like the endless sky, he wraps me in his loving presence,

SAM_0115

In this moment, I must decide to plunge into the unknown,

Or I can turn around and make my way back home, alone,

So I undress until I am vulnerable to the world around me,

and with my body tensing and my heart fluttering, I’m free,

I plunge into the unknown, and I am numb but euphoric,

I make my out of the woods, now, but no longer alone,

Now and forever those soft blue eyes will be known,

as the eyes that saw into my wanderer’s soul,

and knew that home will only be where, together, we go

 

waterfall

Love explained by an avid hiker…I am excited to take the plunge soon with my fellow wanderer. I said yes:)

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February 27, 2017

Today I Threw a Spoon at my Toaster

Filed under: depression,grief,love — desi83 @ 4:46 am
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It’s a strange feeling, to feel so distant from everyone and everything around me. I do what I need to in order to get by. I wouldn’t call this sadness or anger. I don’t know what it is. Apathy? No, not quite, because I’m constantly worried. I want to feel those normal human feelings. Today I threw a spoon at my toaster. It hasn’t been working right lately; it’s ten years old. My boyfriend stood there looking very concerned, rightly so. “What can I do?” “Let me help you,” he insisted. He’s beyond wonderful to me, and he’s understandably worried about my behavior lately. Truthfully, I threw the damn spoon because I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel anger. The opportunity presented itself, and it felt exhilarating. Then, I felt stupid.

Truthfully, I do still feel something when I’m with him. I love him so much, and he has been my rock through this episode that I’m having. Every time he hugs me, kisses me, or holds my hand, I feel a connection. It’s a little tug into the world, outside of these walls that I’ve been stuck behind. Then there’s my mom. When I’m having a melt-down, I can call her and know that she will calm me down. She knows just what to say. It wasn’t always like that. She used to get angry with me, and maybe it’s because it used to happen more often when I was younger. Maybe she understands me better now. I haven’t been able to completely come back into the world, though, and I’m not sure what the answer is…a healthy diet, sleep, and the will to just keep going through the motions as I just give myself time, I guess is the way. When it comes down to it, right now I just want to crawl under the covers and not get up until this passes. I know that I can’t though. So, sometimes I’ll have to throw a spoon, or I’ll have to kiss my boyfriend in the middle of a crowded room, or I’ll drink too much and laugh too loudly in public.

This might be grief. It might be depression, or anxiety, or all three rolled into one messy package that I didn’t ask for. I just hope that soon I can knock down these walls, or there might be no one left for me outside of them.

February 4, 2017

Cabernet…My Attempt at a Love Poem

Filed under: food,poetry,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 6:40 am
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Cabernet

Dark and heavy, waiting and ready,

You flow smoothly down my hollow throat;

You take your time and go down easy,

After a long day, you serve as my moat;

 

Reeling with anger, I’m steadied by you,

My body untenses and gives into your spell,

My pen is on paper with you serving as my muse

My demons’ screams you have managed to quell;

 

I want you as soon as I lay my hands on you,

but they say that I should give you time to breathe,

So I impatiently wait to savor every drop of you,

The anticipation and desire inside of me seethes;

 

The first sip is divinely intoxicating,

The first glass is impossibly invigorating,

The second glass sends my heart and body melting,

and the bottle leaves me satisfied yet wanting;

 

That which is most desirable is worth the wait,

Although there are times when I grieve our loss of time,

I suppose there were events that led up to our fate,

My Cabernet, our connection is simply sublime!

May 22, 2016

House on Fire

Filed under: poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 8:34 am
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Inspired by a night of listening to a lot of Damien Rice and thinking way too much…

House on Fire

The memories of you are woven into my skin,

and they seep into my veins and mix with my blood.

No matter how many decades it has been,

I have moments when they rush in like a flood

into my brain, and they reopen the wounds of my heart.

I can feel your breath in my ear and your hand gripping mine

like a fucking ghost that knows the worst moments to start.

You haunt me in my darkest moments just to remind,

remind me of what we both left behind.

I can still taste your kiss that was snuck in the stairwell

I can still feel your embrace as we waited for the bell

I remember every word we exchanged when we met

and how time stopped for us as others roamed

during that first day when we knew our fate was set.

Somehow our hearts knew that we were home

But I slowly destroyed that home with my fear

I slowly burned down the house that we built

and you kept trying to put out the fire,

but eventually what overtook it was my guilt ,

and you were powerless against what you didn’t know.

But I kept our photographs, and I remember home,

You made a new home with someone new

and through our ruins I continue to roam.

March 1, 2016

Home

Filed under: angst,career,dreams,life,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 12:18 am
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I may be rusty today. I have only been writing case studies, web content(for my 2nd job), lesson plans, and poetry for kindergarten students since October. I haven’t had time to breathe, much less write creatively. I don’t know why I stopped journaling (that’s not a word, SpellCheck? Hmmph). I have been reading a book that seems to never end…IQ84 by Haraku Murakami. Did I spell that right? I’ll look it up later. I wish I had more time to devote to it so that it wouldn’t take months to read. It’s funny though, because there is so much parallelism that I can’t forget what happened earlier in the book. Thank you, Murakami, for making that easy for me.

I would say that I am tired, but I don’t think that is the right word. I am on a journey, again, and God I hope I end up where I want to be next fall. I am teaching at this private school. I enjoy it for the most part, but the pay is not enough for my bills. I am looking at public schools, and the thought keeps recurring to me-I need out of here. I am going to apply to the Florida school system. It could be for a year, or a few years, who knows. I just really want to start over. I’ve felt for years that I am stuck. This year it felt more like I am preparing for something. I am about to finish my graduate program at Vanderbilt. I can’t believe I am even uttering those words. It was a fluke that happened because I am at this low budget private school (I love my kids, and the administration, just so you know). I was blessed to be given a grant to go there to earn my ESL certification. In other words, my resume will be much more attractive to schools this time around.

I feel like Holly Golightly-I haven’t unpacked everything because this isn’t home, this crappy one bedroom apartment on the rough side of town. I am ready to get to where I am supposed to go. I love so many people in my life, but I am ready to find new connections in a new place with a new job. And damn it, I want to have time to write. I want to only have one job! I want to be content, but not too content…more content than I am now, that is for sure.

I want to love what I do. I want to be in love, I want to be home. I want to feel like I’ve mostly gotten there, wherever there is.

October 30, 2015

Poetry Lately

Filed under: life,poetry — desi83 @ 4:19 am
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These are a couple of poems that I wrote this past year. My life has been hectic and somewhat devoid of internet use. However, I realize how much I need this, so I’m making time tonight. Writing is my therapy:)

Something about you (I imagine it as a song performed by a female jazz singer circa 1950s. The words just popped in my head several months ago).

I stumble when you’re walking toward me baby

because when you stand next to me you shame me

And I forget how to act like a lady

Something about you, it makes me cry

Something about you, it makes me lie

Something about you; I just can’t say goodbye.

You spin me close, then you spin me away

Are you my tragic ending?

Or an exciting new beginning?

I guess these pages, I’ll keep turning

And with each page my gut keeps churning

I’m Afraid (I found this one unfinished, and I’m still not sure I’m done with it. I think we all get like this sometimes).

Praying to a God that I can’t define

I question myself, life, reality,

What is it that’s mine? This calamity?

I’ve been drowning in my own destruction

grabbing onto the debris of shallow connections

I’m crashing myself into walls that I’ve made

and cursing them for standing in my way

I am afraid that all of this fighting is in vain

I latch onto anything that brings me pain

and I run from anything that might bring peace

Because I am afraid that it’ll eventually decease.

I keep holding onto all that brings me pain

while I run from what could make me sane

Because I’m afraid that it might eventually decease

June 27, 2015

Love-no one should be denied it

Filed under: Blogging,current issues,life — desi83 @ 8:02 am
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My facebook feed was throwing up rainbows today. I’m sure I am not alone in this. Even if you have no interest in the issue and most of your friends have no interest, it has been the main story of every major news outlet. Agree or disagree, marriage equality was passed by our Supreme Court today, and this will matter for our future. A white woman pretending to be black and getting fired from the NAACP will not matter a year from now. Josh Duggar won’t matter. I can think of several other recent stupid stories that blew up my newsfeed lately that won’t matter. But this changes our society just like Roe vs Wade or Brown vs Board of Education. The Civil Rights act, the amendment that allowed women to vote, the amendment that allowed bi-racial marriage…these events changed our society, evolved it. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I thought about gay marriage years ago. Then I got to a point where I didn’t care. Today, though, I reflected on it by looking at myself. Yes, because human beings are selfish creatures, and until we can look at a situation from our own self-centered eyes, we don’t understand or care.

I am 32 years old, and I am single. I have dated and had relationships, and it’s not that I can’t find a person who wants to be with me. I just haven’t found the right person for me. Yet, I do have the freedom to explore my options and marry someone if and when I do find that person. So then I imagine if I were suddenly living in a country where I wasn’t allowed to marry a man. If I walked down the street with a man, we would be met with scrutiny. People might laugh at us or call us gross. In this new land, I might mention to my parents that I like a boy at school, and they are filled with fear. No one will accept me. No one will like me. How will my attraction to men affect their reputation? So they need time to process this, because they love me but they didn’t mean to raise a daughter who wants to have sex with men. How did this happen? Where did they go wrong? I might go several years without dating anyone because I don’t want to upset the people around me.

One day, let’s say I fall in love with this man, and in this new land, I am told that I can date him, and I can even have a fake wedding with him. But I can’t have a real marriage and a real wedding officiated by an actual official. So, I ask, what should I do? I can’t change the fact that I am attracted to men. It’s an attraction that I’ve felt since I was able to interact with people. It’s not something that I decided. In this land, I am a church goer, a follower of God. My church tells me that it isn’t right. I should resist the temptation of the sin. What is your answer? I should just live alone? I should just force myself to be with people I’m not attracted to? I should just live the rest of my life without being in love with someone?

I’m not going to pretend that I know how you feel if you are gay. I can only imagine how that process works…having to deal with society, your family, etc. when you tell them that you’re gay. I do know that the thought of living the rest of my life alone, without a partner to share it with, is fucking depressing. God, nature, spirit, whatever you want to call it, did not intend for humans to live solitary lives. It is our nature to find a mate to share our lives with. True, women and men were created with sexual organs to breed more humans. But your sexual orientation is more of an instinct than a choice, so whatever the reason, some humans were born with the instinct to be with those of the same sex. Currently, most of our world is populating at rate that is difficult for our Earth to sustain with its limited resources. Also, heterosexuals still outnumber homosexuals. So, I don’t for see the Earth’s population deteriorating due to homosexual marriage. Their love hurts no one. No one should be denied love. I think today was a huge step in the right direction for our evolution into a more loving, intelligent society.

October 8, 2014

I want to be “in like”

Filed under: dating,dreams,life,relationships — desi83 @ 6:10 am
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What does it take to have a happy, long-lasting relationship? I have yet to find that romantically. I have found this platonically. Even that isn’t perfect, but it is happy and long-lasting. My best friends…though our lives have taken us in different directions, and we sometimes make choices that frustrate each other to no end, we have a connection that is unbreakable. My best friends think I am charming, hilarious, and bitchy in a good way. I think they are hilarious, as well as smart and empathetic, and super geeky (in a good way). We have geeky interests in common, and we can talk for hours about everything. My two best friends have very different views in terms of spirituality and faith, but they both have strong values and morals, and they’re both respectful of people who have opposing viewpoints. I consider myself a new thought Christian, and I can discuss spirituality and religion with both of my friends at length without it getting heated. We are three open-minded, understanding amigas.

I want to date my friend…not literally, though. I want to establish a strong friendship with a man who will connect with me the way my friends do. Obviously, I want there to be romance and excitement, but I have learned that a relationship cannot begin that way. How could I think I was in love with someone I barely knew? I need to change the way that I date. I need to set boundaries and take control of the pace and direction of the relationship. I will not let myself be led into the type of relationship that I am not ready for ever again. I do very much want to be in love, to be happy with a partner, but being alone feels so much better than being in an unhappy relationship. I don’t necessarily have to agree with every viewpoint of my partner, but I think our beliefs should be similar, as well as our sense of humor. I hate to fight or argue..it gives me horrible anxiety. I want to be with someone who is amicable, yet also assertive and confident. I know what I want, and I cannot explain it well enough in words. I will know when I meet him, and I know that I haven’t yet.

January 7, 2014

An Open-Wounded Heart

Filed under: dating,poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 6:36 pm
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An Open-Wounded Heart
My heart has hardened from scars of yesterday
It no longer beats to a happy melody
You speak in verse and offer your arms to try and sway
With you it wasn’t abuse or infidelity

It was being left to wonder what I did wrong
So I tolerated those punishments from others
While my heart thumped to the beat of a lonely song
That sparkle in my eyes faded as my hope withered

And I learned to be friends with a lady called Lonely
She stayed with me during those long, sleepless nights
She generously wrapped her darkness around me
Love’s been a distant memory that’s out of my sight

Now I glimpse a flicker of light that beckons me back
I have to wonder if backwards is the right way
The hardened shell around my heart begins to crack
I welcome the pain of it, come what may

The past has left me in a pile of dust and rubble
Love and hope, destroyed and replaced by consternation
Have begun to rise again, and my doubt crumbles
I slowly open the door in anticipation

to invite you back into my body and soul
Please don’t re-open the wounds of my battered heart
Help me rediscover the faith that heartbreak stole
With you on this path with me, I go back to the start

July 10, 2013

An old forgotten poem

Filed under: dating,poetry,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 2:46 am
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Wow, I just found this in my documents. I wrote this years ago! It cracked me up because it sounds like a country song…

Tight White T-Shirt

Your tight white tshirt and your Levi’s jeans

made me blush and weaken at the knees

It’s you right now that I want to please

That day we spent keeps playing in scenes

 

In my head, in my head, is only you

I want your berry chapsticked lips so much I can taste it

I kind of want these thoughts of you to quit

but I want you all the time now, I do, I do

 

We walked together on that rocky trail

I couldn’t help but stare at you walking in front of me

and being there with you made me see

I could never give up no matter how much I fail

 

The sun beat down on us leaving beads of sweat

cooling our brown summer skin

the creek fed by waterfalls was a welcome friend

and I couldn’t wait to see that tshirt wet

 

Love has come and gone, and I know it’ll come again

because of the way you looked at me that day

while together wearing nothing we lay

I fell for you so hard, I never wanted it to end

 

Now the anticipation builds up for me

I’m hoping to have more carpe diem days like that with you

For I’d just die right now if I knew we were through

One day was all it took for me to see, see, see

 

Your tshirt was left lying in a pile on my floor

and when I lifted it, that intoxicating smell of you

filled my nostrils with memories of us two

My mind is turning flips with thoughts until it’s sore

 

 

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