Cafe de Desiree

March 1, 2016

Home

Filed under: angst,career,dreams,life,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 12:18 am
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I may be rusty today. I have only been writing case studies, web content(for my 2nd job), lesson plans, and poetry for kindergarten students since October. I haven’t had time to breathe, much less write creatively. I don’t know why I stopped journaling (that’s not a word, SpellCheck? Hmmph). I have been reading a book that seems to never end…IQ84 by Haraku Murakami. Did I spell that right? I’ll look it up later. I wish I had more time to devote to it so that it wouldn’t take months to read. It’s funny though, because there is so much parallelism that I can’t forget what happened earlier in the book. Thank you, Murakami, for making that easy for me.

I would say that I am tired, but I don’t think that is the right word. I am on a journey, again, and God I hope I end up where I want to be next fall. I am teaching at this private school. I enjoy it for the most part, but the pay is not enough for my bills. I am looking at public schools, and the thought keeps recurring to me-I need out of here. I am going to apply to the Florida school system. It could be for a year, or a few years, who knows. I just really want to start over. I’ve felt for years that I am stuck. This year it felt more like I am preparing for something. I am about to finish my graduate program at Vanderbilt. I can’t believe I am even uttering those words. It was a fluke that happened because I am at this low budget private school (I love my kids, and the administration, just so you know). I was blessed to be given a grant to go there to earn my ESL certification. In other words, my resume will be much more attractive to schools this time around.

I feel like Holly Golightly-I haven’t unpacked everything because this isn’t home, this crappy one bedroom apartment on the rough side of town. I am ready to get to where I am supposed to go. I love so many people in my life, but I am ready to find new connections in a new place with a new job. And damn it, I want to have time to write. I want to only have one job! I want to be content, but not too content…more content than I am now, that is for sure.

I want to love what I do. I want to be in love, I want to be home. I want to feel like I’ve mostly gotten there, wherever there is.

October 30, 2015

Poetry Lately

Filed under: life,poetry — desi83 @ 4:19 am
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These are a couple of poems that I wrote this past year. My life has been hectic and somewhat devoid of internet use. However, I realize how much I need this, so I’m making time tonight. Writing is my therapy:)

Something about you (I imagine it as a song performed by a female jazz singer circa 1950s. The words just popped in my head several months ago).

I stumble when you’re walking toward me baby

because when you stand next to me you shame me

And I forget how to act like a lady

Something about you, it makes me cry

Something about you, it makes me lie

Something about you; I just can’t say goodbye.

You spin me close, then you spin me away

Are you my tragic ending?

Or an exciting new beginning?

I guess these pages, I’ll keep turning

And with each page my gut keeps churning

I’m Afraid (I found this one unfinished, and I’m still not sure I’m done with it. I think we all get like this sometimes).

Praying to a God that I can’t define

I question myself, life, reality,

What is it that’s mine? This calamity?

I’ve been drowning in my own destruction

grabbing onto the debris of shallow connections

I’m crashing myself into walls that I’ve made

and cursing them for standing in my way

I am afraid that all of this fighting is in vain

I latch onto anything that brings me pain

and I run from anything that might bring peace

Because I am afraid that it’ll eventually decease.

I keep holding onto all that brings me pain

while I run from what could make me sane

Because I’m afraid that it might eventually decease

August 18, 2013

The Anxiety Monster

Filed under: angst — desi83 @ 4:58 pm
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Avett Brothers “Ill with Want”

Butterflies swarm inside of my chest, beating to escape the walls and burst out into the world, outside the confines of this limited existence. My chest tightens. A balloon forms, sucking all the air from my airway. My head begins to tingle, and my body shivers, but not from the cold. I am lying beside him, yet I feel like the bed is parting, and he’s drifting further and further away. Just breathe. It’s okay, just take slow breaths. Put your head between your knees. There is a blackness that threatens to steal me away in the night and drag me into the unknown abyss, so I ask him to hold me, protect me from the blackness. I can feel its grasp on my heart, tightening. I can feel its tugging on my body. So I ask him to hold me tighter. Tighter. I can’t breathe; that’s better. Just hold me and don’t let go. Don’t let the blackness pull me away. The butterflies seize their chaotic swarming, and my breathing slows down. The blackness will not steal me away. I am in control of this body and of this mind. Yet, sometimes I just need to hold onto something because my strength does fail me in these moments.

“Something has me, acting like someone I don’t want to be.” I know this song is actually about addiction, but certain lines really resinate with me. I can listen to these guys nonstop.

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