Cafe de Desiree

February 15, 2018

It Comes and Goes

Filed under: anxiety,life,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 12:37 am
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It’s wanting to cry but not being able to release no matter how much you want to. It’s having your heart flutter and your body tense up so much that you feel like you’re coming apart. It’s your chest becoming tight as you try to breath through the weight of it all. It’s smiling and laughing at work while you just want to scream and throw things. It’s not being sure if I’m right or wrong in my anger and frustration. It’s a mix of guilt, anger, fear, and the sadness that I try to hide-not the ideal cocktail. It’s a loss of control. It’s a storm brewing inside that comes out in short bursts, and then it gets worse because of the embarrassment. It’s lonely and dark there. It’s selfish because it doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings. It’s a monster inside that threatens to destruct everything in its path. It comes and goes, and the triggers are unpredictable. I just wait it out until it goes and hope that there’s not too much collateral damage. I just wait and hope that the triggers will pass or that I can figure out how to work through them without losing myself. I just need to be in control of it.


February 4, 2017

Cabernet…My Attempt at a Love Poem

Filed under: food,poetry,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 6:40 am
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Dark and heavy, waiting and ready,

You flow smoothly down my hollow throat;

You take your time and go down easy,

After a long day, you serve as my moat;


Reeling with anger, I’m steadied by you,

My body untenses and gives into your spell,

My pen is on paper with you serving as my muse

My demons’ screams you have managed to quell;


I want you as soon as I lay my hands on you,

but they say that I should give you time to breathe,

So I impatiently wait to savor every drop of you,

The anticipation and desire inside of me seethes;


The first sip is divinely intoxicating,

The first glass is impossibly invigorating,

The second glass sends my heart and body melting,

and the bottle leaves me satisfied yet wanting;


That which is most desirable is worth the wait,

Although there are times when I grieve our loss of time,

I suppose there were events that led up to our fate,

My Cabernet, our connection is simply sublime!

March 1, 2016


Filed under: angst,career,dreams,life,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 12:18 am
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I may be rusty today. I have only been writing case studies, web content(for my 2nd job), lesson plans, and poetry for kindergarten students since October. I haven’t had time to breathe, much less write creatively. I don’t know why I stopped journaling (that’s not a word, SpellCheck? Hmmph). I have been reading a book that seems to never end…IQ84 by Haraku Murakami. Did I spell that right? I’ll look it up later. I wish I had more time to devote to it so that it wouldn’t take months to read. It’s funny though, because there is so much parallelism that I can’t forget what happened earlier in the book. Thank you, Murakami, for making that easy for me.

I would say that I am tired, but I don’t think that is the right word. I am on a journey, again, and God I hope I end up where I want to be next fall. I am teaching at this private school. I enjoy it for the most part, but the pay is not enough for my bills. I am looking at public schools, and the thought keeps recurring to me-I need out of here. I am going to apply to the Florida school system. It could be for a year, or a few years, who knows. I just really want to start over. I’ve felt for years that I am stuck. This year it felt more like I am preparing for something. I am about to finish my graduate program at Vanderbilt. I can’t believe I am even uttering those words. It was a fluke that happened because I am at this low budget private school (I love my kids, and the administration, just so you know). I was blessed to be given a grant to go there to earn my ESL certification. In other words, my resume will be much more attractive to schools this time around.

I feel like Holly Golightly-I haven’t unpacked everything because this isn’t home, this crappy one bedroom apartment on the rough side of town. I am ready to get to where I am supposed to go. I love so many people in my life, but I am ready to find new connections in a new place with a new job. And damn it, I want to have time to write. I want to only have one job! I want to be content, but not too content…more content than I am now, that is for sure.

I want to love what I do. I want to be in love, I want to be home. I want to feel like I’ve mostly gotten there, wherever there is.

August 11, 2013

Love, Life’s Greatest and Most Infectious Creature

Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 4:39 am

The Greatest and Most Infectious Creature

Love is the poison that infects us all. It is a beautiful creature that summons you with euphoria, but then it paralyses you with pain and regret. It weakens warriors and turns virgins into whores. Love gets into your veins and runs straight to your heart, squeezing it until it cracks. Then you spend your whole life trying to fill those cracks with meaningless affection from others who are just trying to do the same. So we walk this Earth with open hearts that continue to bleed until there is nothing left. We sacrifice each other’s lives trying to repair the damage that others have caused, and so the domino effect takes place. Because once you have known real love and lost it, you spend your whole life trying to replace it. It’s like a drug addict always trying to chase that first high. You will never get that euphoria again, but you can’t stop hunting for it. You don’t care if you step on others trying to find it, and for brief moments, you fill the emptiness that you’ve had deep in your heart since that first taste, but then it drains out again leaving your heart even more open. That is why it is better to have never loved than to have loved and lost. We, scared and stupid humans, turn the beautiful gift of Love into something crippling and dangerous.

So I give you now this admonition. If ever Love takes hold of your heart, and it is a bond that is equally shared, do not turn your back on it. Do not run in fear, because you will never find anything richer than Love. Let Love wrap its arms around you and warm your heart for the rest of your life. Do not turn this beautiful gift into a poison that will infect your remaining days. Cherish it and thank God for this rare gift that will fill your heart to the brim, and know that you do not need anything else. You may never find it again if you walk away from it. Do not accept an imposter posing as Love, because it will only widen the cracks even further until there is nothing left but the ghost of yourself. Love, real Love, rarely touches our hearts, and if you don’t accept her, she doesn’t feel the need to return to you again.

July 30, 2013

Alternate reality and Self Discovery

Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 4:30 am
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Lately…well, actually, since I left my management career in September 2012, I feel as though I am living in an alternate reality. I’m not here, but I am not totally separated from here. I am in a dream looking at everyone else’s reality around me. People are living their lives, some of them are even where they are supposed to be. I was in a misery of my own making for 5 years, so I suppose that I have gone into hiding since I escaped. Living with my parents and figuring out what to do next has been a slower process than intended, but I was a little gun shy. I am now working a job that pays well but is quite mindless. It is the first step, though. I am headed to school this fall to earn my elementary education certification, and I am working on my English as a second language curriculum at the speed of a turtle with two broken legs. However, I will have it finished soon, so I could go anywhere and teach anyone English as a second language. So, then, where am I going exactly? I don’t fit here. I have never really felt right anywhere. I am restless and bored with my surroundings! So the plan…I’m going to finish school this year and continue hiding out at my parents’ house while saving as much money as possible. As soon as I finish school, I am going to travel. I am going to discover new places, even if it is just quick weekend trips since I’ll still have to work. I am going to either find a new place or at least fulfill this need to see outside of this tiny little piece of the world where I live. I am not meant to be stationary. I think that has been an issue with me as far as dating as well. I have had difficulty finding someone who I am in sync with, so I have just settled oftentimes for someone who seemed good enough at the time. I never thought I was that different from anyone else, but it has been amazingly tough to find someone who gets me. And it doesn’t help that I have had trouble “getting me” too! Sure, I am 30, but I don’t think it is my time to find a husband and have babies like everyone else does at this point. I think I need the next couple of years to discover something bigger than that. Although I do hope that one day, and hopefully before wrinkles begin to show, that I will find someone to discover the world with me.

July 10, 2013

An old forgotten poem

Filed under: dating,poetry,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 2:46 am
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Wow, I just found this in my documents. I wrote this years ago! It cracked me up because it sounds like a country song…

Tight White T-Shirt

Your tight white tshirt and your Levi’s jeans

made me blush and weaken at the knees

It’s you right now that I want to please

That day we spent keeps playing in scenes


In my head, in my head, is only you

I want your berry chapsticked lips so much I can taste it

I kind of want these thoughts of you to quit

but I want you all the time now, I do, I do


We walked together on that rocky trail

I couldn’t help but stare at you walking in front of me

and being there with you made me see

I could never give up no matter how much I fail


The sun beat down on us leaving beads of sweat

cooling our brown summer skin

the creek fed by waterfalls was a welcome friend

and I couldn’t wait to see that tshirt wet


Love has come and gone, and I know it’ll come again

because of the way you looked at me that day

while together wearing nothing we lay

I fell for you so hard, I never wanted it to end


Now the anticipation builds up for me

I’m hoping to have more carpe diem days like that with you

For I’d just die right now if I knew we were through

One day was all it took for me to see, see, see


Your tshirt was left lying in a pile on my floor

and when I lifted it, that intoxicating smell of you

filled my nostrils with memories of us two

My mind is turning flips with thoughts until it’s sore



November 16, 2012

Finally, the right path?

Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 2:29 am

I have had one of the best weeks that I’ve had in a long time this week. I really feel I’m on the right track. I felt that I was where I belong-in a school, teaching. I even offered to grade some freshman English papers, and I loved it. I have felt out of place for many years, so I know I’m almost where I need to be. I let fear rule my choices years ago when I turned my back on teaching after one bad year. Kids are still brats, but they are also funny, creative, and absolutely love it when they learn something and can shout out the correct answer in a discussion on Edgar Allen Poe. I totally want to read Poe now after hearing the lesson on the Cask of Amontillado three times today. I’m leaning toward the modified special education program because you’re basically a tutor for those students who are in the special education program who go to regular classes. I like sitting down and really diving into subject matter with a few students and helping them understand something that they just don’t get in the regular classroom with everyone else. I wish I could just start full-time teaching tomorrow because I want the pay so that I can live on my own again. I will have to take classes, though. It will take some time, but I think I am finally on the right track after going the wrong way for the past ten years. I just hate that I wasted so much time from being afraid to try what had always been my dream job just one more time. High school English was a tough gig for a first year teacher, so maybe if I do something that won’t have me grading over a hundred papers every night, I’ll be able to handle it. One of these days, I won’t be living with any of my parents, and I’ll still be able to buy a bottle of Merlot at the end of the day.

September 11, 2012

The Mean Reds

Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 7:09 am

A little over a week ago, I sat in my car and cried out to a God I’m not even sure I completely believe in to please help me get through this brick wall that has come down on my life. I was in my car driving from my mom’s house, and she had given me another lead for my dad. She found a job on craig’s list that sounded pretty promising and was holding open interviews the next day. Let me just add that my parents are divorced and haven’t spoken in years, but my mom wants my dad to get a job so that I will stop worrying about him. I go home and cry myself to sleep because I’m acting like an overly dramatic teenager. The next day, I wake my dad up and tell him about this interview. I choose a suitable outfit for him to wear from his closet-he hates wearing khakis and stuffing in his shirt, but I tell him to suck it up. He comes home three hours later to tell me that he has a job. I tried to contain myself, but I was beyond ectstatic. This was one of the steps that had to be taken in order for my ultimate plan to work. It wasn’t the best job in the world and paid peanuts, but it’s a full time job with benefits in town.

I then open my gmail account to find not one but two interview requests for jobs that I had recently applied for. This is after countless rejection letters from other businesses. Could it be that this God I sometimes get angry with or reject is showing me some mercy? I resolve to remember this answered prayer for times when I think God may not really be there. Then, I get an email from school telling me to call this person after being told to email this or that person through this tedious chain of emails I’ve been sending to try to figure out what to do in order to return to the university. Okay, I will call tomorrow morning, I think.

I go to my first interview, in which the interviewer talks so much that I can barely get a word in, but through this she makes it clear how much she loves working for this company and how she too started with a part time position, and look at her now. We laugh at each other’s jokes. She doesn’t look at me as being too weak or small to do a physical job because she herself is small and light and began in the same position that I’m applying for. She ends the interview with “I will definitely be getting in touch with you soon.” I take that as a good sign. I am going to the other interview in a couple of days, but I would prefer to get an offer from the first interview.

Still on a high from my seemingly successful interview, I decide to call this latest person of contact from MTSU that was emailed to me recently. She tells me that all I really need to do is take the Praxis test again, but take the Special Education Praxis test along with the general one. Excuse me? I haven’t taught or been in school for many years. My license expired a long time ago. She seems annoyed with me, but she tells me to send a request for transcript analysis, and that I’ll be applying for an initial licensure even though I already have a license since I want to take extra courses. She has that tone like, if I want to waste my time and money taking extra unneeded courses, then I can. You’re damned right I can.

For the rest of the day, I experienced what Holly Golightly referred to as “the mean reds” in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I was afraid of something, and I didn’t know what it was. I just felt uneasy and uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t feel the need to go treading to Tiffany & Co with a honey bun in my well manicured and decorated hand, so I worked out with a friend of mine then drank too much red wine. Then I asked myself why am I suddenly afraid of everything? The thought of just taking a class then walking in a classroom to teach scared the hell out of me. Why? What is going to come out of sitting through lectures and reading bullshit theories about teaching from people who haven’t been in a classroom in decades? I am deathly afraid of failing if I try this new career. I need some transition time between this career and my next. I want a job that is mentally easier for a little while, and I want time to reflect on my next career change. I want to be sure, and I want to get a taste of it before I commit to anything. Is there no student-teaching if you are switching to teach something completely different than what your degree is for? Why can’t I just be sure of what I want to do and just do it like so many others? Fear. It is ridiculous that fear takes over when everything is actually coming together in my favor for once. Am I afraid of success? And I really wish this computer would stop trying to make me type everything in British English. The red underlines are really affecting my OCD. I think it is okay for me to want some transition time. I wonder what it’s like to get paid to make students who call me with their career crisis feel utterly stupid for their decisions  while sitting at my desk hating life like Mrs. M_.

I’m going to put the fear aside for now. Things are working out finally, and I’m going to enjoy this moment of hope after drowning in hopelessness for the past, I don’t know, year? Hope and change, in their reality not just in rhetoric, is what I need in my life at this moment. It is scary as hell, but I am about to swim out of the boring shallow end that is getting way too crowded, and I’m going to climb on the diving board. It’s time to dive in to my life in this new chapter.

September 3, 2012

Oh Rejection, how soon you found me

Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 4:46 pm

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I sent query letters to four agencies that I looked up on the internet. Then, one by one, I received replies from each of them. I assumed it would take a few weeks. However, in a matter of a week, I received four politely written rejection emails. Sigh. I am trying to remind myself of the Nicolas Sparks story, or the lovely antecdote about Micheal Jordan not making his high school basketball team. I have to muddle through the rejection and keep sending out letters. I just have to find that one right agent who reads my synopsis and thinks, “Yes, this is the kind of story I have been looking for! You’re getting published!” That’s how everything in life is-finding the right person in the right moment. I just need my moment to come soon in some aspect of my life, be it my book, my love(less) life, or my career situation. I’m also getting rejected by job seekers because I’m either over qualified or someone more qualified applies. Seriously, I can’t win. But it’s like the lottery-you can’t win if you don’t play. So, I’ll send more query letters. I’ll send out more applications. In the meantime, I’ll hope for the other two goals to come to fruition. And maybe one day they’ll be sorry they rejected me when they see they could have made millions off of my New York Times Best Seller List book.

August 26, 2012


Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 11:03 pm

Okay, I finally got the time and the nerve to send a query letter to some agents: a total of 4 so far. It felt good to actually try to get my book out there. I love what I wrote-it was from my heart. I want to share it with the world. And yes, it would be nice to get paid for doing what I love. The only way to make it happen is to persevere. I am also going to let one of my friends read it this week. I’ve never let anyone read the entire book before. I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit sensitive to any criticism that I may receive from him or from an agent. But, I know that criticism could possibly make it better, so I’m going to make myself be open to it. For those of you who are interested, this is the synopsis of my book.


The premise is a reunion at a grocery store between two high school sweethearts after ten years of being apart. It begins as a sweet, unexpected encounter, but transitions between the present time of their meeting again and memories of how their love fell apart in the first place. Brandon, the male part of this troubled on-again off-again couple, has been a tortured fool in love ever since he met Lauren in high school. Lauren has loved him just as much, but she has been too busy battling her own demons of alcohol addiction and manic depression to fully be with him. Brandon sees his last chance with Lauren at the grocery store as they decide to reunite at a local diner that they used to frequent as high school sweethearts. However, he knows it won’t be simple as soon as he meets Lauren’s daughter and learns of Lauren’s on-again off-again boyfriend, Joshua. Lauren sees yet another complication in her life, but she also sees a possibility to finally be happy with Brandon. She and her daughter have just moved back to her hometown in Clover County, Tennessee after being juggled between Oregon and California by her controlling, emotionally abusive boyfriend, Joshua. He dreams of being an artist, but he can’t decide what he really wants out of life or what he wants from Lauren. He also happens to be her daughter’s father. Rachel, the daughter, is highly aware and intellectually gifted, but she throws tantrums as a form of acting out because of her poor upbringing by these irresponsible, selfish parents. Brandon is looking at his last chance at happiness with his fragile, emotionally troubled high school sweetheart. He has based his happiness solely on Lauren, so his purpose in life is gone if he can’t be with her. He has spent his time away from Lauren holding onto the hope that one day he will have her back in his life. Lauren believes her biggest challenge is to choose between Brandon and Joshua, but she really must face her alcohol addiction. Her emotional breakdowns from her fragile mental state are calmed by downing liquor at the local bar or sometimes at home with her daughter hiding in the bedroom, dreaming of a better life. Lauren’s mom reluctantly takes care of Rachel and picks up the pieces after Lauren’s drunken nights. She isn’t shy about showing Lauren her disappointment in her, which only makes Lauren’s fragile mental state even worse. Joshua is a lost soul who must decide if he’s willing to put aside his selfish desires to take care of his family, or if a life of an artist alone is what he wants. In the end, one character’s story ends in tragedy while another finds salvation. Image

I believe this is a book that deals with universal issues that a large audience could appreciate. I also believe in this book because I wrote it from my heart, from my own experiences and experiences from those close to me. I wrote it with the intention to show that no one can make you happy-you must find happiness within yourself. It is a simple lesson, but it is a lesson that I think most people go through life without ever fully learning. I am a fan of imagery, flashbacks, and symbolism, so I tried to incorporate all of this in this book. It may be considered a short book, but I have never been the type of writer to drag out a point or go overboard with details that lose the reader’s interest.

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