Cafe de Desiree

July 11, 2017

The Wanderers’ Home

My boots are tied tightly, and my hair is pulled back,

I’m ready to attack with my yellow day pack,

Nature is unwilling to let me in without a fight,

Spider webs, ticks, and honeybees give me a fright,

Roots hidden by mounds of dirt and rock unsteady me,

Then, suddenly, my route is halted by a fallen tree,

I carefully climb over the conifer and march on, alone,

I find a broken limb to slash through brush overgrown,

I begin to climb the steep hill so I can finally stop,

I know not what I’ll discover once I reach the top,

I am stronger and braver from this expedition,

But I am ready for my desire to come to fruition,

When I reach the top, my lungs begin to tighten,

My eyes water as the Sun, she sparkles and brightens,

And my eyes are met with the vastest, bluest skies,

His eyes, like the sky, penetrate my soul, those soft blue eyes,

I stand on the highest cliff and surrender to the heavens,

Like the endless sky, he wraps me in his loving presence,

SAM_0115

In this moment, I must decide to plunge into the unknown,

Or I can turn around and make my way back home, alone,

So I undress until I am vulnerable to the world around me,

and with my body tensing and my heart fluttering, I’m free,

I plunge into the unknown, and I am numb but euphoric,

I make my out of the woods, now, but no longer alone,

Now and forever those soft blue eyes will be known,

as the eyes that saw into my wanderer’s soul,

and knew that home will only be where, together, we go

 

waterfall

Love explained by an avid hiker…I am excited to take the plunge soon with my fellow wanderer. I said yes:)

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March 11, 2017

Shaken, not Stirred

Filed under: love,poetry — desi83 @ 8:22 am
Tags: , ,

I walked in, and you caught my eye

sitting with that far-away stare

until you smiled with hungry eyes

this is how we began this affair

—————————-

We walked hand-in-hand in the quiet

then suddenly I was in your arms

being swept away and consumed by it

You enslaved me with your wicked charms

———————————–

We explored every inch of one another

and I was left scorched by the fire we created

because, I guess, in the heat, you began to smother

so my tears poured out and the fire quickly abated

———————————————

Years passed by and you swung in and out of my life

One drunken night, you uttered the L word

that stabbed my heart because I thought it was a lie

but the vital truth, your fragile ego cannot afford

———————————————-

Years later, you finally tell me that you want me

as your forever and as a means to your paradise

I am shaken, but I am not stirred to concede

This moment marks our twisted love’s demise

February 4, 2017

Cabernet…My Attempt at a Love Poem

Filed under: food,poetry,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 6:40 am
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Cabernet

Dark and heavy, waiting and ready,

You flow smoothly down my hollow throat;

You take your time and go down easy,

After a long day, you serve as my moat;

 

Reeling with anger, I’m steadied by you,

My body untenses and gives into your spell,

My pen is on paper with you serving as my muse

My demons’ screams you have managed to quell;

 

I want you as soon as I lay my hands on you,

but they say that I should give you time to breathe,

So I impatiently wait to savor every drop of you,

The anticipation and desire inside of me seethes;

 

The first sip is divinely intoxicating,

The first glass is impossibly invigorating,

The second glass sends my heart and body melting,

and the bottle leaves me satisfied yet wanting;

 

That which is most desirable is worth the wait,

Although there are times when I grieve our loss of time,

I suppose there were events that led up to our fate,

My Cabernet, our connection is simply sublime!

May 22, 2016

House on Fire

Filed under: poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 8:34 am
Tags: , ,

Inspired by a night of listening to a lot of Damien Rice and thinking way too much…

House on Fire

The memories of you are woven into my skin,

and they seep into my veins and mix with my blood.

No matter how many decades it has been,

I have moments when they rush in like a flood

into my brain, and they reopen the wounds of my heart.

I can feel your breath in my ear and your hand gripping mine

like a fucking ghost that knows the worst moments to start.

You haunt me in my darkest moments just to remind,

remind me of what we both left behind.

I can still taste your kiss that was snuck in the stairwell

I can still feel your embrace as we waited for the bell

I remember every word we exchanged when we met

and how time stopped for us as others roamed

during that first day when we knew our fate was set.

Somehow our hearts knew that we were home

But I slowly destroyed that home with my fear

I slowly burned down the house that we built

and you kept trying to put out the fire,

but eventually what overtook it was my guilt ,

and you were powerless against what you didn’t know.

But I kept our photographs, and I remember home,

You made a new home with someone new

and through our ruins I continue to roam.

October 30, 2015

Poetry Lately

Filed under: life,poetry — desi83 @ 4:19 am
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These are a couple of poems that I wrote this past year. My life has been hectic and somewhat devoid of internet use. However, I realize how much I need this, so I’m making time tonight. Writing is my therapy:)

Something about you (I imagine it as a song performed by a female jazz singer circa 1950s. The words just popped in my head several months ago).

I stumble when you’re walking toward me baby

because when you stand next to me you shame me

And I forget how to act like a lady

Something about you, it makes me cry

Something about you, it makes me lie

Something about you; I just can’t say goodbye.

You spin me close, then you spin me away

Are you my tragic ending?

Or an exciting new beginning?

I guess these pages, I’ll keep turning

And with each page my gut keeps churning

I’m Afraid (I found this one unfinished, and I’m still not sure I’m done with it. I think we all get like this sometimes).

Praying to a God that I can’t define

I question myself, life, reality,

What is it that’s mine? This calamity?

I’ve been drowning in my own destruction

grabbing onto the debris of shallow connections

I’m crashing myself into walls that I’ve made

and cursing them for standing in my way

I am afraid that all of this fighting is in vain

I latch onto anything that brings me pain

and I run from anything that might bring peace

Because I am afraid that it’ll eventually decease.

I keep holding onto all that brings me pain

while I run from what could make me sane

Because I’m afraid that it might eventually decease

January 12, 2014

The Chase

Filed under: dating,life,poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 2:57 am

This is another inspired by another doomed love of mine

The Chase

She flies above your head just out of reach

You extend your arms and strain your neck

She’s now a star in the sky, you’re a grain on the beach

Still staring above, you decide to follow, steady and quick

 

You run through the crowd never noticing a face

You step over smiles, laughter, tears, and experience

You long for the promise of her beauty and grace

Never taking your weary eyes off her vaguely seen presence

 

Suddenly she flutters down to your outstretched hands

Her feathers brush against your beckoning fingers

You try to stretch your height to grasp her body

She continues to taunt you with hope as she lingers

 

You promise to love her and never leave her sobbing

She cautiously descends to your hungry grasp

You tighten your grip on her small fragile body

You don’t hear her terrified screams, perhaps?

 

“You’re squeezing me too tightly!” she screams

“I can’t breathe,” she cries as she gasps

“Let me go,” she utters as she quickly dies

You feel the warmth leave your loosening grasp

You collapse, and your tears begin to float her away

What you spent your life chasing, you destroyed

in your selfish need to possess your wayward prey

you’re now left in a lonely self-made void

 

This scene around you is not something you recognize

You’ve been staring up too long to see in front of you

The heartbreak you feel is enough to paralyze

But you decide to finally join the scene that’s in view

 

You wasted your time chasing something precious

But you turned it into something quite odious

Now you live your life filling the void with trifles

As a robot in the crowd, you focus on mere survival

 

As you wander through the busy blurry street

A light beckons you toward a dream thought obsolete

You follow eagerly seeing clearly what is before you

Then you stop because you know it is futile to pursue

 

She stops to watch you watch her from a distance

She timidly floats to your slumping figure

No longer in fear, she lets go of her resistance

Not possessing her, you’ve gained something bigger!

January 7, 2014

An Open-Wounded Heart

Filed under: dating,poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 6:36 pm
Tags: , ,

An Open-Wounded Heart
My heart has hardened from scars of yesterday
It no longer beats to a happy melody
You speak in verse and offer your arms to try and sway
With you it wasn’t abuse or infidelity

It was being left to wonder what I did wrong
So I tolerated those punishments from others
While my heart thumped to the beat of a lonely song
That sparkle in my eyes faded as my hope withered

And I learned to be friends with a lady called Lonely
She stayed with me during those long, sleepless nights
She generously wrapped her darkness around me
Love’s been a distant memory that’s out of my sight

Now I glimpse a flicker of light that beckons me back
I have to wonder if backwards is the right way
The hardened shell around my heart begins to crack
I welcome the pain of it, come what may

The past has left me in a pile of dust and rubble
Love and hope, destroyed and replaced by consternation
Have begun to rise again, and my doubt crumbles
I slowly open the door in anticipation

to invite you back into my body and soul
Please don’t re-open the wounds of my battered heart
Help me rediscover the faith that heartbreak stole
With you on this path with me, I go back to the start

July 10, 2013

An old forgotten poem

Filed under: dating,poetry,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 2:46 am
Tags: , , , ,

Wow, I just found this in my documents. I wrote this years ago! It cracked me up because it sounds like a country song…

Tight White T-Shirt

Your tight white tshirt and your Levi’s jeans

made me blush and weaken at the knees

It’s you right now that I want to please

That day we spent keeps playing in scenes

 

In my head, in my head, is only you

I want your berry chapsticked lips so much I can taste it

I kind of want these thoughts of you to quit

but I want you all the time now, I do, I do

 

We walked together on that rocky trail

I couldn’t help but stare at you walking in front of me

and being there with you made me see

I could never give up no matter how much I fail

 

The sun beat down on us leaving beads of sweat

cooling our brown summer skin

the creek fed by waterfalls was a welcome friend

and I couldn’t wait to see that tshirt wet

 

Love has come and gone, and I know it’ll come again

because of the way you looked at me that day

while together wearing nothing we lay

I fell for you so hard, I never wanted it to end

 

Now the anticipation builds up for me

I’m hoping to have more carpe diem days like that with you

For I’d just die right now if I knew we were through

One day was all it took for me to see, see, see

 

Your tshirt was left lying in a pile on my floor

and when I lifted it, that intoxicating smell of you

filled my nostrils with memories of us two

My mind is turning flips with thoughts until it’s sore

 

 

September 21, 2012

Be grateful for the moments, for they shall soon pass

Filed under: Blogging,life,poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 7:16 am

Okay, I just inadvertently hurt my best friend’s feelings for like the millionth time because of my stupid mouth. I’m so glad that she didn’t ditch me years ago. I complained publicly about how this week has been a bust, and I had just hung out with her earlier in the day. Her taking offence to my stupid ignorant statement made me realize a seriously bad habit I’ve developed over the years. I focus on the negative ALL THE TIME. I forget to appreciate the positive, I forget to be grateful to people. I just see what has gone wrong or just didn’t go the way I wished it would. It’s like the part of my brain that focuses on the positive somehow stopped working. The thing is, the big picture is not looking so good right now. So, standing back, I have a hard time noticing the details that are quite lovely. I was just telling a friend of mine, well, someone who is sometimes more than a friend but he’s as screwed up as I am, that my motto right now is Carpe Diem. It’s my new philosophy. Well, that was a bunch of bullshit. Because even with him, we have had such lovely moments over the years, and the truth is, neither of us could handle a relationship right now until we get ourselves together. We’ve had these lovely moments, intensely memorable experiences, but mostly I just get sad that there can’t be more. For what? So I could just mess it up and add him to the list of tried and failed relationships? I don’t want to be with him, but I get sad that I can’t be with him. I really am afraid of happiness. I guess I’m lucky that he is as well. Oh God I hope he never reads this. I got off topic a bit. The point is, I need to stop being sad about not having things that I don’t even know that I want and just appreciate what few lovely unforgettable moments that I am graced with in this life.

I held a baby today, my best friend’s little boy. He felt so good in my arms, and I melted when I watched him smile at me as I raised him in the air and bounced him softly on my knees. I could have sat all day with that little miracle. He was a surprise, actually, supposed to have been born later when the other kids were older and the mother’s health was better. Yet, he’s been such a freaking blessing, and I think he was born at exactly the right time. They now have their complete family, and it is something beautiful. The truth is, I got a bit sad while I was looking into his  little wonderous eyes. Would I ever have one of these of my own? Would I even be able to handle one of these? Maybe it’s best to just borrow him every now and then.

While I dig through the confusing paperwork in my brain to try to figure out what path I’m supposed to be taking, I know that I need to cherish the moments and stop being depressed about things that don’t work out, because they’re not supposed to work out. I need to go into the silence and ask, why am I here, what I am to do? The truth is, the only thing that has ever felt right to me is writing. I have always just been able to sit down and do it, and it feels like breathing to me. Just about everything else I try feels a bit wrong. Yet, how many people in this life make a living off their art? Not too many. As for my love life, I need to find someone like me, because no one else could understand or deal with me. I need someone else who is a tortured artist of some sort who is blunt and speaks before thinking so that we can’t get mad at each other-because we both do it. I need someone who will jump on a plane with me or climb a mountain when I start to feel crazy and need to get away. I need someone who will dance with me and not just sit on the bench. I need someone to make me laugh because my God, I’m so tired of all the seriousness. Also, someone who likes this kind of sad beautiful music that I listen to. Sigh. Until then, I’m going to try to seize the day. John Keats shows us on his Grecian Urn how happy the world would be if frozen in the beginning of the loveliest moments because we never experience the disappointment of the moments’ passing. This can’t be, so we just have to remember the feeling we had in those frozen moments, and know that the disappointment will fade.

March 27, 2011

28 Years of Winter

Filed under: poetry — desi83 @ 6:01 am

28 years and I’m still here

I’m still here with nothing but fear

because somehow I’ve failed at what I’ve tried

and that hope I once had has died

I walk through the wintry streets that go on forever

as I embark on another pointless endeavor

it’s another wasted day shopping for things I don’t need

just giving into that wanting that is nothing but greed

I lay in my cold bed and shiver alone through the night

and pray that I’ll wake up somewhere else that is right

where there is sunshine and reasons to interact with the Earth

I dream of a place where my purpose is birthed

I am left frozen by the cold interactions with the ones that love me

but I say nothing because even as I am with them they do not see

I am a phantom wandering this Earth searching for my place

picking out pieces of my past to try to erase

This icy winter freezes my soul and never ceases

the chill in my heart never decreases

I struggle through the blizzard trying to build this life

this life that the winter may never allow me to live

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