Cafe de Desiree

January 5, 2017

An Honest Eulogy for my Dad

Filed under: death,family,life — desi83 @ 6:14 am
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I cleaned out my dad’s apartment with the help of my mom, stepdad, and my boyfriend. His whole life was thrown into the back of a pick up truck: boxes of clothes, cds, thrift store furniture, his mom’s old dishes, bags of food that he just bought three days beforehand, and a box of photographs. We hauled almost everything to the Goodwill, besides the photographs and a few sentimental items. My dad is supposed to be cremated tomorrow. That is what he wanted, and that is what I would choose as well. It seems like the cleanest way. Also, I’ve already seen his lifeless body, and I really don’t want to see it sitting in a box. My dad is going to be burned into ashes, and those ashes, 7-8 pounds of bone matter, are going to be in a fancy urn that I bought from Amazon. I don’t have a grave stone for him, but I ordered a little engraved plate to stick on the fancy urn that reads his name and “Loving Father and brother” and his birth-death dates.

I chose a wooden box with prayer hands, not because I am particularly religious ( I am not; I refused the priest at the hospital because those trite words “He’s gone to a better place” are not reassuring to me). I chose the prayer hands because there is something peaceful about them, and because my daddy’s hands stick in my mind as a symbol of him that I’ve known my whole life. I rubbed lotion on those rough, dry, scarred hands in the hospital as he lay dying, hoping that his condition would turn around. I held one of those rough hands, and my mostly unemotional/unaffectionate dad squeezed my hand in silence while he stared at the ceiling from the hospital bed. Please know, I NEVER doubted his love. He was not a sap, but he very much showed me and told me in his own way. He was always there for me, and God I am glad that I can say that I was there for him to the bitter end. His hands were a symbol of who he was as a person. He’s a bit rough round the edges, and he’s a bit scarred. He’s worked hard his whole life, and “gloves are for ladies”. But as he squeezed my hand, I was reminded of his strength, and my hand felt small inside of his. It reminded me of everything he’s done for me, in spite of the alcoholism and the many hours that he was away at work in another state.

My daddy fought addiction, and I spent two years of my life helping him conquer it. He lived with me after he lost his job of 30 years that nearly broke him. It was a blessing, in a way, that he lost that job. I yelled at him, threw things at him, and threatened to kick him out (empty threat, of course). I poured his liquor down the drain and gave his beer to some friends of mine. Mom could walk away from him because he’s not her blood, and he wouldn’t let the bottle go for her, and I don’t blame her one bit. But I couldn’t walk way from the man who held me as a baby, the man who used to take me to the movies to see Disney cartoons and horror films (yes, both), the man who took me to karate lessons and fried eggs and bologna for me in the morning, the man whose lap I would curl up in when I grew sleepy, the man who drove 5 hours once a month to see me when he worked in Georgia or who flew from Chicago every quarter to see me, the man who took me on vacation wherever I chose in the US every summer until he lost his job, the man who had 12 pictures of me hanging in his apartment, all of different stages of my life. It’s true that I am closer to my mom, but I felt a kind of responsibility to my dad. He gave me life, and he did the best he could while fighting a nasty, stubborn demon. We fought that demon together though, and we won. Those weren’t the only demons, unfortunately.

My dad found out that he had congestive heart disease in December. He died on December 30th. It’s almost a blur, it happened so quickly. He called me on a Saturday morning, and I didn’t answer the phone. I was at my apartment, and I hadn’t had my coffee yet. Already, mom had called. “I can’t handle two parent calls before coffee,” I said. I listened to his message after I drank my coffee. “Desiree, this is your dad,” it began. It was how he always began his messages, so I figured it was just an ordinary call to see how I was doing. “I’m in the hospital at St Thomas. Call me back as soon as you can,” he said. His voice sounded weak. It was the phone call that I had been fearing. He lives alone in an apartment an hour away from me. I moved for my job, and he’s one of the reasons I was hesitant to do that. My boyfriend, who often stays with me on the weekends, and I jumped in our cars and headed to the hospital after I got in touch with him. “I’m having heart problems,” Dad told me. Now, three of his brothers have heart problems, so I thought, well here we go, but  I thought we’d have years to cope with it. He told me that he’d thought that he had pneumonia, but then his whole body swelled up. He drove himself to the hospital because he couldn’t figure out how to work the new smart phone I had given him (my dad is a smart man, but he is not technologically inclined). He smoked his last cigarette ever in the hospital parking lot, and he walked in to meet his fate.

He was in the hospital for 16 days. He had no insurance, but he was an army vet, so we were able to transfer him to the VA for the last week. My best friend and I went to his apartment and cleaned it, including throwing away all cigarette paraphernalia. He was given 8 pills to take every day that I meticulously halved and/or sorted into a weekly pill box. He was put on a low sodium diet, and we spent two and a half hours reading labels and searching for edible but healthy meals. He could barely walk through the parking lot without getting out of breath, so he rode in one of those motorized scooters that I’m pretty sure we’ve made fun of at some point. I made him some chicken, and I explained to him how I cooked it and seasoned it. I helped him figure out how to use his defibrillator vest, and I made sure his phone was charging and that the ringer was on. He did everything right. He ate his sodium free diet, and he quit smoking. He killed that second demon, but congestive heart failure is a demon that can’t be fought sometimes. His heart was too badly damaged. I felt my own heart break inside of my chest as I fought with doctors to tell me what was going on. I know why they call it heart break now, because that is exactly how the pain feels. It has helped to talk with other people who knew him. Some of his relatives have been to the hospital a few times, and they are sharing in my loss, and I spoke with his work supervisor of the maintenance job he’d found right after he became sober. “He’s a good man. He’d do anything for anyone who asked. We miss him here,” the man told me.

My boyfriend and I visited my dad the last day of his life. I introduced Dan to him, and Dan helped him with his car. It was left at the original hospital where he was taken, so it hadn’t been driven for 16 days. Dan and I bought a jumper cable box for him so that if he continued to have trouble starting his car, that would get him through until he got a new car. We had planned to go car shopping next weekend. I also brought him a scale because he was supposed to weigh himself daily. He weighed 157 lbs, and he had weighed 180 lbs in November. I also took his bag of $50 in change so that I could cash it in for him. He left his car running so that it would charge, and he was going upstairs to get his laundry bag. I wanted to help him, but I had to see what he could do on his own before I went back to my own apartment an hour away. I stayed in town through the whole month of December to assist him, and I was on winter break from teaching anyway. Dad thanked Dan for helping him, and he smiled at both of us. “Are you feeling alright, Dad?” I asked. He laughed. “What do you think? Nah, it’s okay. I’m doing what I can, but the doctor said I could drop dead at any point. Not much I can do about that,” he said, still smiling. I told him not to talk like that, and I told him that I loved him. I think I did. I hope I did.

I got a call from the defibrillator company later that day that his heart had stopped. They asked me to go check on him. I still don’t know why they didn’t call an ambulance, but apparently that’s not how it works. My boyfriend drove me to his apartment. His car was still running, and his apartment door was open. I felt numb and panicked, so I ran up the stairs to see what was going on. He was laying there with the dining chair collapsed beside him. His eyes and mouth were wide open. I screamed and wailed, and my boyfriend held me. He went to check his pulse and to see if he was breathing. I touched his forehead, and he was cold. “What do I do, what do I do? He’s dead!” I yelled. “Call 911,” my boyfriend sensibly replied. Oh my Jesus, he is wonderful in a crisis. The operator told me to do chest compressions, and Dan heard her so he began doing them. It was too late though. The ambulance still took him to the hospital and reassured me that they’d do what they could to save him. I knew he was gone, but that gave me a twinge of hope. Dan and I went to the hospital, and we waited in line in the emergency room behind this elderly lady who spent what seemed hours talking to the nurse on desk duty. Finally, a nurse came out and led us to a small room with two couches and a television on mute on the wall, as well as a bouquet of flowers sitting on a small white table. The waiting was killing me. “I just want to know for sure. I need the doctor to get in here and just get it over with,” I said. I saw my dad once more at the funeral home, his eyes and mouth were closed, so he appeared to be sleeping.

I try not to think of the images of him after he died. I concentrate on that last moment that I had with him, and he smiled a big smile at me. He seemed so much at peace that day that I wonder if he knew that he wasn’t going to live much longer. It was traumatic and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but in a way I am relieved that I was the one who found him. I was there for him until the bitter end. More than that, I am so grateful that I came to see him right before he passed. I saw him happy, and he was grateful to me, as I was to him for being the best dad that he could be.

Dad was more than his demons. He was an army vet, a traveler, a hiker, a fisherman, a bowler, a football fan, a western film fan, a brother, a father, a son, and a hard worker, a helpful man who would loan neighbors and co-workers anything that he could give: be it a ride, a cigarette, or 20 bucks. He hated commercials on television and standing in line. He thought Beavis and Butthead were funny, and he didn’t vote because they’re all crooks. He said he didn’t like dogs, but he often cuddled with my dog while he lived with me, and I even heard him talking to the dog a few times. He liked cooking at home and listening to 90s music thanks to me. He never missed an episode of Bonanza on television even though he’s seen every episode five times already. He was a simple man, but there was more to him than meets the eye. He will be missed, and this world was a better place for having him in it.

November 22, 2016

Stillness

Filed under: hiking,life,spirituality — desi83 @ 5:04 am
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Life is full of noise and chaos, and even when I have the opportunity to escape it, my mind plays a recorded loop of noise and chaos. We all do it. We stare at our phones, checking Facebook or Twitter only to stress ourselves out or be entertained by mindless click bait posts. We take selfies so that we might receive validation online. We binge watch shows on Netflix until we fall asleep on the couch. Even dating has evaporated into “Netflix and chill” instead of dinner and a movie for most young people. My job is a constant flow of chaos wherein I have to make quick decisions and improvisations depending on how my young students are behaving or responding at that moment. Sometimes I can go by my script, but it’s counterproductive to continue the script when it’s clearly not working. I’m exhausted at the end of the day, even though I enjoy what I do, it is taxing.

I run and lift weights when I need to escape the chaos and the noise loop. I play music on my headphones to block it out. It works temporarily, and it does clear my mind and rejuvinate me. Yet, when I try to just be still, I can’t. I can’t resist looking at Facebook or reading the news, or turning on the television. When I do attempt meditation, my mind is enveloped in chaos, and I begin fixating on a issue with my job or with my relationship (and even when there isn’t an issue, I create one in my mind sometimes).

I have questioned my spiritual beliefs ever since I was a child when I attended a church, and the youth pastor asked me where people go when they are lost. “The police?” I asked. Everyone laughed. “Hell,” he said, “lost people go to Hell.” Hellfire and brimstone continued to be preached to me at various churches. Later I discovered Unity church, which had a more positive and metaphysical approach to Christianity. I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea of God. I still can’t. I decided to study Buddhism, and I even attended a few Buddhist meditations. This belief system resonates with me more than Christianity ever did.

I think it is important that people find a spiritual practice to get away from the noise and chaos of life, and to realize that we are so insignificant in the universe, so our problems are definitely not world-ending problems. I struggle with practicing because I am so busy and because I haven’t figured out how to quiet my mind in the stillness. The closest I have gotten lately is hiking. When I am in nature, I feel like I am with God, or at least a spiritual presence that I can’t define. Nature is my sanctuary. Yet, I can’t escape to the mountains in every day life.

In the evenings, I hope to begin the habit of meditating, even if it’s only for five minutes the first few times that I try it. I challenge you, reader, to try it with me. Unplug from your phone, tv, and computer for 5-10 quiet minutes. Go to a peaceful place in your mind, and get lost there for a time. Then, just stay in the stillness until the chaotic noise loop takes over again. The stillness makes the chaos easier to manage. The world will not end if you escape for a moment.

waterfall

March 1, 2016

Home

Filed under: angst,career,dreams,life,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 12:18 am
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I may be rusty today. I have only been writing case studies, web content(for my 2nd job), lesson plans, and poetry for kindergarten students since October. I haven’t had time to breathe, much less write creatively. I don’t know why I stopped journaling (that’s not a word, SpellCheck? Hmmph). I have been reading a book that seems to never end…IQ84 by Haraku Murakami. Did I spell that right? I’ll look it up later. I wish I had more time to devote to it so that it wouldn’t take months to read. It’s funny though, because there is so much parallelism that I can’t forget what happened earlier in the book. Thank you, Murakami, for making that easy for me.

I would say that I am tired, but I don’t think that is the right word. I am on a journey, again, and God I hope I end up where I want to be next fall. I am teaching at this private school. I enjoy it for the most part, but the pay is not enough for my bills. I am looking at public schools, and the thought keeps recurring to me-I need out of here. I am going to apply to the Florida school system. It could be for a year, or a few years, who knows. I just really want to start over. I’ve felt for years that I am stuck. This year it felt more like I am preparing for something. I am about to finish my graduate program at Vanderbilt. I can’t believe I am even uttering those words. It was a fluke that happened because I am at this low budget private school (I love my kids, and the administration, just so you know). I was blessed to be given a grant to go there to earn my ESL certification. In other words, my resume will be much more attractive to schools this time around.

I feel like Holly Golightly-I haven’t unpacked everything because this isn’t home, this crappy one bedroom apartment on the rough side of town. I am ready to get to where I am supposed to go. I love so many people in my life, but I am ready to find new connections in a new place with a new job. And damn it, I want to have time to write. I want to only have one job! I want to be content, but not too content…more content than I am now, that is for sure.

I want to love what I do. I want to be in love, I want to be home. I want to feel like I’ve mostly gotten there, wherever there is.

October 30, 2015

Poetry Lately

Filed under: life,poetry — desi83 @ 4:19 am
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These are a couple of poems that I wrote this past year. My life has been hectic and somewhat devoid of internet use. However, I realize how much I need this, so I’m making time tonight. Writing is my therapy:)

Something about you (I imagine it as a song performed by a female jazz singer circa 1950s. The words just popped in my head several months ago).

I stumble when you’re walking toward me baby

because when you stand next to me you shame me

And I forget how to act like a lady

Something about you, it makes me cry

Something about you, it makes me lie

Something about you; I just can’t say goodbye.

You spin me close, then you spin me away

Are you my tragic ending?

Or an exciting new beginning?

I guess these pages, I’ll keep turning

And with each page my gut keeps churning

I’m Afraid (I found this one unfinished, and I’m still not sure I’m done with it. I think we all get like this sometimes).

Praying to a God that I can’t define

I question myself, life, reality,

What is it that’s mine? This calamity?

I’ve been drowning in my own destruction

grabbing onto the debris of shallow connections

I’m crashing myself into walls that I’ve made

and cursing them for standing in my way

I am afraid that all of this fighting is in vain

I latch onto anything that brings me pain

and I run from anything that might bring peace

Because I am afraid that it’ll eventually decease.

I keep holding onto all that brings me pain

while I run from what could make me sane

Because I’m afraid that it might eventually decease

June 27, 2015

Love-no one should be denied it

Filed under: Blogging,current issues,life — desi83 @ 8:02 am
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My facebook feed was throwing up rainbows today. I’m sure I am not alone in this. Even if you have no interest in the issue and most of your friends have no interest, it has been the main story of every major news outlet. Agree or disagree, marriage equality was passed by our Supreme Court today, and this will matter for our future. A white woman pretending to be black and getting fired from the NAACP will not matter a year from now. Josh Duggar won’t matter. I can think of several other recent stupid stories that blew up my newsfeed lately that won’t matter. But this changes our society just like Roe vs Wade or Brown vs Board of Education. The Civil Rights act, the amendment that allowed women to vote, the amendment that allowed bi-racial marriage…these events changed our society, evolved it. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I thought about gay marriage years ago. Then I got to a point where I didn’t care. Today, though, I reflected on it by looking at myself. Yes, because human beings are selfish creatures, and until we can look at a situation from our own self-centered eyes, we don’t understand or care.

I am 32 years old, and I am single. I have dated and had relationships, and it’s not that I can’t find a person who wants to be with me. I just haven’t found the right person for me. Yet, I do have the freedom to explore my options and marry someone if and when I do find that person. So then I imagine if I were suddenly living in a country where I wasn’t allowed to marry a man. If I walked down the street with a man, we would be met with scrutiny. People might laugh at us or call us gross. In this new land, I might mention to my parents that I like a boy at school, and they are filled with fear. No one will accept me. No one will like me. How will my attraction to men affect their reputation? So they need time to process this, because they love me but they didn’t mean to raise a daughter who wants to have sex with men. How did this happen? Where did they go wrong? I might go several years without dating anyone because I don’t want to upset the people around me.

One day, let’s say I fall in love with this man, and in this new land, I am told that I can date him, and I can even have a fake wedding with him. But I can’t have a real marriage and a real wedding officiated by an actual official. So, I ask, what should I do? I can’t change the fact that I am attracted to men. It’s an attraction that I’ve felt since I was able to interact with people. It’s not something that I decided. In this land, I am a church goer, a follower of God. My church tells me that it isn’t right. I should resist the temptation of the sin. What is your answer? I should just live alone? I should just force myself to be with people I’m not attracted to? I should just live the rest of my life without being in love with someone?

I’m not going to pretend that I know how you feel if you are gay. I can only imagine how that process works…having to deal with society, your family, etc. when you tell them that you’re gay. I do know that the thought of living the rest of my life alone, without a partner to share it with, is fucking depressing. God, nature, spirit, whatever you want to call it, did not intend for humans to live solitary lives. It is our nature to find a mate to share our lives with. True, women and men were created with sexual organs to breed more humans. But your sexual orientation is more of an instinct than a choice, so whatever the reason, some humans were born with the instinct to be with those of the same sex. Currently, most of our world is populating at rate that is difficult for our Earth to sustain with its limited resources. Also, heterosexuals still outnumber homosexuals. So, I don’t for see the Earth’s population deteriorating due to homosexual marriage. Their love hurts no one. No one should be denied love. I think today was a huge step in the right direction for our evolution into a more loving, intelligent society.

October 8, 2014

I want to be “in like”

Filed under: dating,dreams,life,relationships — desi83 @ 6:10 am
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What does it take to have a happy, long-lasting relationship? I have yet to find that romantically. I have found this platonically. Even that isn’t perfect, but it is happy and long-lasting. My best friends…though our lives have taken us in different directions, and we sometimes make choices that frustrate each other to no end, we have a connection that is unbreakable. My best friends think I am charming, hilarious, and bitchy in a good way. I think they are hilarious, as well as smart and empathetic, and super geeky (in a good way). We have geeky interests in common, and we can talk for hours about everything. My two best friends have very different views in terms of spirituality and faith, but they both have strong values and morals, and they’re both respectful of people who have opposing viewpoints. I consider myself a new thought Christian, and I can discuss spirituality and religion with both of my friends at length without it getting heated. We are three open-minded, understanding amigas.

I want to date my friend…not literally, though. I want to establish a strong friendship with a man who will connect with me the way my friends do. Obviously, I want there to be romance and excitement, but I have learned that a relationship cannot begin that way. How could I think I was in love with someone I barely knew? I need to change the way that I date. I need to set boundaries and take control of the pace and direction of the relationship. I will not let myself be led into the type of relationship that I am not ready for ever again. I do very much want to be in love, to be happy with a partner, but being alone feels so much better than being in an unhappy relationship. I don’t necessarily have to agree with every viewpoint of my partner, but I think our beliefs should be similar, as well as our sense of humor. I hate to fight or argue..it gives me horrible anxiety. I want to be with someone who is amicable, yet also assertive and confident. I know what I want, and I cannot explain it well enough in words. I will know when I meet him, and I know that I haven’t yet.

August 16, 2014

ABC, It really is easy as 123…

Filed under: Blogging,career,life — desi83 @ 1:36 am
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If I were writing this two days ago, this would be a very negative, hopeless entry. I had a terrible bout with anxiety after having a rough couple of days at my new job. I am a kindergarten teacher. I went into this thinking that it would be fairly easy. I was wrong. I now realize that every grade level, from kindergarten to 12th grade, has its own set of challenges. How do I survive these challenges without pulling my hair out or crawling in a hole to hide? I realized that the children aren’t the problem. The school is not the problem. I am. I need to focus on being more patient and more realistic with my expectations. So, yesterday I went in with a sense of calm. I focused on the true reason for my being in that classroom: the children. I researched fun lessons, and I am now showing them more patience as they learn how to behave and function in a classroom. I listen to them, encourage them, and love them. I truly appreciate the hugs and kind words that they give me every day. I laugh when they are being silly, and sometimes I get silly with them. I sing and dance with them, and I realize that I haven’t done that enough as an adult. I try new methods and strategies and only use the ones that they seem to enjoy. I stopped being so hard on myself and realized that this year will be far from perfect, but I am going to work hard to make it a year that my kids will reflect upon fondly as they grow older.

I realized today that I have achieved two very important goals in my life. I am a certified, employed teacher. I am also now a paid writer. I am freelance writing now and getting paid for my work. It is mostly ad copy and promotional articles, and it is actually quite fun. I have still yet to publish my book or short stories, but I may attempt that this summer now that my confidence is growing. As I was leaving to go home this afternoon after working my first full week at school, the secretary said something that really impacted me. “Has anyone ever told you that you have a beautiful smile? It is very calming and genuine,” she said. “I am just so happy to be here right now,” I answered honestly. Life may not be perfect, and I am still a work in progress, but I am filled with gratitude for the life that I am living.

April 6, 2014

Happiness…has anyone really found it?

Filed under: dreams,life — desi83 @ 7:43 pm

What makes you happy? What puts a smile on your face that you can’t wipe away? What prompts you to get on the floor and dance in pure joy? There are two types of happiness…long-term and short-term. Most of us experience it in the short-term. A good song comes on the radio, you meet an old friend for coffee and laugh at old memories together, you dance with an attractive stranger, or you celebrate a small accomplishment. Yet, tomorrow comes, the moment is gone, and what is there to be happy about?
I go through a list of requirements for personal happiness. One is being married. So I ask my married friends…are you truly happy? No. For one reason or another, whether it is problems with health, work, family, or some personal issue such as not being happy with one’s appearance, being married doesn’t guarantee happiness. Okay, so next on the list is having a successful career. So I ask, are you happy with your life since you are working your dream job? No. Why? I work too many work hours, I am unsuccessful in love, I have health problems, etc. Okay, so what if you are married and you have your dream career? No. My spouse hates that I work so much, we can’t go on vacation because of my job, and I have this whole bucket list that I have to check off before I’ll really be happy. Right, so next on the list…children. Yes! That is the biological function of every living thing on Earth-to reproduce. You must have complete happiness if you have children. No. Why? The children are getting into trouble, or they’re sick so the medical bills are piling up, and I don’t have time for myself or my friends anymore. My once fine figure has now transitioned into a larger, looser, wrinkled one. I don’t have time to exercise because I work and take care of the kids. Mmm, so the “American Dream” doesn’t guarantee happiness. So, what makes one happy? Strip away all of your attachments, and find your happiness within yourself. Even when you sit alone with nothing to distract you, and your list goes unchecked, you can enjoy the stillness and be grateful to be alive, to be well, to know that there are infinite possibilities out there. If whatever you think is essential to your happiness fails right now, there will be something brand new around the corner. Try to enjoy those little moments of short-term happiness and don’t dwell on the disappointments, for they are fleeting. Now go and celebrate one more glorious day of being alive!

January 13, 2014

Blank Canvas

Filed under: life,relationships — desi83 @ 7:13 pm
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This is (hopefully) my last semester in college. I earned my B.A. in English in 2006. I don’t want to put into writing exactly how many years ago that was. Since then, I have held several jobs that I hated too much to turn into actual careers. I have been in too many relationships that taught me a lot of lessons, sometimes more than once, and left me feeling beaten and battered. I have pretty much lost my faith in romantic relationships for myself, but I have been a witness to countless engagements, marriages, and births amongst my group of friends. I just haven’t been able to find my path, and I keep trying to force myself to accept what is not right for me because I feel like I have to accept what is available to me. I’m just not a very patient person. I took a year to spend exploring career ideas without the pressure of having to work to pay bills. I lived with my parents for a year, and I was a substitute teacher. I would’ve gotten paid just as much flipping burgers, sadly. I did it to really explore teaching as a possible career, and I was able to try out different grade levels. I actually loved it most days, especially when I was in the elementary schools. I can use my creativity, I can connect with kids and be a positive influence on their lives, and I can feel the excitement as their brains soak up knowledge like little sponges! This summer, I will be certified k-12 (highly qualified in English 7-12). I feel like this is my opportunity to start over. I have no ties to this place anymore. I have friends and my parents, but they are not binding me here. I am going to choose a few locations in other cities, and possibly other states. I need to be in a new place, even if just for a little while. I love the mountains and the beach, and I feel like the Southeast is my home, so that narrows it down a bit. I want to visit places outside of my “home”, but for my first move away from my hometown of middle Tennessee, I don’t want to go so far that I can’t visit pretty regularly. It is comforting to know that I have this opportunity and freedom to go wherever I want. I am not bound, and I will never settle for less than what I deserve, what makes me happy. This is my blank canvas, and I can paint whatever I want with the colors I choose.

January 12, 2014

The Chase

Filed under: dating,life,poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 2:57 am

This is another inspired by another doomed love of mine

The Chase

She flies above your head just out of reach

You extend your arms and strain your neck

She’s now a star in the sky, you’re a grain on the beach

Still staring above, you decide to follow, steady and quick

 

You run through the crowd never noticing a face

You step over smiles, laughter, tears, and experience

You long for the promise of her beauty and grace

Never taking your weary eyes off her vaguely seen presence

 

Suddenly she flutters down to your outstretched hands

Her feathers brush against your beckoning fingers

You try to stretch your height to grasp her body

She continues to taunt you with hope as she lingers

 

You promise to love her and never leave her sobbing

She cautiously descends to your hungry grasp

You tighten your grip on her small fragile body

You don’t hear her terrified screams, perhaps?

 

“You’re squeezing me too tightly!” she screams

“I can’t breathe,” she cries as she gasps

“Let me go,” she utters as she quickly dies

You feel the warmth leave your loosening grasp

You collapse, and your tears begin to float her away

What you spent your life chasing, you destroyed

in your selfish need to possess your wayward prey

you’re now left in a lonely self-made void

 

This scene around you is not something you recognize

You’ve been staring up too long to see in front of you

The heartbreak you feel is enough to paralyze

But you decide to finally join the scene that’s in view

 

You wasted your time chasing something precious

But you turned it into something quite odious

Now you live your life filling the void with trifles

As a robot in the crowd, you focus on mere survival

 

As you wander through the busy blurry street

A light beckons you toward a dream thought obsolete

You follow eagerly seeing clearly what is before you

Then you stop because you know it is futile to pursue

 

She stops to watch you watch her from a distance

She timidly floats to your slumping figure

No longer in fear, she lets go of her resistance

Not possessing her, you’ve gained something bigger!

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