Cafe de Desiree

October 8, 2014

I want to be “in like”

Filed under: dating,dreams,life,relationships — desi83 @ 6:10 am
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What does it take to have a happy, long-lasting relationship? I have yet to find that romantically. I have found this platonically. Even that isn’t perfect, but it is happy and long-lasting. My best friends…though our lives have taken us in different directions, and we sometimes make choices that frustrate each other to no end, we have a connection that is unbreakable. My best friends think I am charming, hilarious, and bitchy in a good way. I think they are hilarious, as well as smart and empathetic, and super geeky (in a good way). We have geeky interests in common, and we can talk for hours about everything. My two best friends have very different views in terms of spirituality and faith, but they both have strong values and morals, and they’re both respectful of people who have opposing viewpoints. I consider myself a new thought Christian, and I can discuss spirituality and religion with both of my friends at length without it getting heated. We are three open-minded, understanding amigas.

I want to date my friend…not literally, though. I want to establish a strong friendship with a man who will connect with me the way my friends do. Obviously, I want there to be romance and excitement, but I have learned that a relationship cannot begin that way. How could I think I was in love with someone I barely knew? I need to change the way that I date. I need to set boundaries and take control of the pace and direction of the relationship. I will not let myself be led into the type of relationship that I am not ready for ever again. I do very much want to be in love, to be happy with a partner, but being alone feels so much better than being in an unhappy relationship. I don’t necessarily have to agree with every viewpoint of my partner, but I think our beliefs should be similar, as well as our sense of humor. I hate to fight or argue..it gives me horrible anxiety. I want to be with someone who is amicable, yet also assertive and confident. I know what I want, and I cannot explain it well enough in words. I will know when I meet him, and I know that I haven’t yet.

January 12, 2014

The Chase

Filed under: dating,life,poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 2:57 am

This is another inspired by another doomed love of mine

The Chase

She flies above your head just out of reach

You extend your arms and strain your neck

She’s now a star in the sky, you’re a grain on the beach

Still staring above, you decide to follow, steady and quick

 

You run through the crowd never noticing a face

You step over smiles, laughter, tears, and experience

You long for the promise of her beauty and grace

Never taking your weary eyes off her vaguely seen presence

 

Suddenly she flutters down to your outstretched hands

Her feathers brush against your beckoning fingers

You try to stretch your height to grasp her body

She continues to taunt you with hope as she lingers

 

You promise to love her and never leave her sobbing

She cautiously descends to your hungry grasp

You tighten your grip on her small fragile body

You don’t hear her terrified screams, perhaps?

 

“You’re squeezing me too tightly!” she screams

“I can’t breathe,” she cries as she gasps

“Let me go,” she utters as she quickly dies

You feel the warmth leave your loosening grasp

You collapse, and your tears begin to float her away

What you spent your life chasing, you destroyed

in your selfish need to possess your wayward prey

you’re now left in a lonely self-made void

 

This scene around you is not something you recognize

You’ve been staring up too long to see in front of you

The heartbreak you feel is enough to paralyze

But you decide to finally join the scene that’s in view

 

You wasted your time chasing something precious

But you turned it into something quite odious

Now you live your life filling the void with trifles

As a robot in the crowd, you focus on mere survival

 

As you wander through the busy blurry street

A light beckons you toward a dream thought obsolete

You follow eagerly seeing clearly what is before you

Then you stop because you know it is futile to pursue

 

She stops to watch you watch her from a distance

She timidly floats to your slumping figure

No longer in fear, she lets go of her resistance

Not possessing her, you’ve gained something bigger!

January 7, 2014

An Open-Wounded Heart

Filed under: dating,poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 6:36 pm
Tags: , ,

An Open-Wounded Heart
My heart has hardened from scars of yesterday
It no longer beats to a happy melody
You speak in verse and offer your arms to try and sway
With you it wasn’t abuse or infidelity

It was being left to wonder what I did wrong
So I tolerated those punishments from others
While my heart thumped to the beat of a lonely song
That sparkle in my eyes faded as my hope withered

And I learned to be friends with a lady called Lonely
She stayed with me during those long, sleepless nights
She generously wrapped her darkness around me
Love’s been a distant memory that’s out of my sight

Now I glimpse a flicker of light that beckons me back
I have to wonder if backwards is the right way
The hardened shell around my heart begins to crack
I welcome the pain of it, come what may

The past has left me in a pile of dust and rubble
Love and hope, destroyed and replaced by consternation
Have begun to rise again, and my doubt crumbles
I slowly open the door in anticipation

to invite you back into my body and soul
Please don’t re-open the wounds of my battered heart
Help me rediscover the faith that heartbreak stole
With you on this path with me, I go back to the start

October 8, 2013

I love you-Words that now inspire fear

Filed under: dating,life,relationships — desi83 @ 5:56 pm

To continue my obsession with the Avett Brothers, Click on their official video of “I and Love and You” before reading this.
We say these words all of the time, but they aren’t always genuine. We throw them around meaninglessly to friends who aren’t that close to us or lovers whose bodies we love and want to ravish, but would we really catch this person if they fell? No, we’d be too busy checking our facebook on our phone. We don’t really “love” most people we say those words to. Those words should mean something other than I love you…r body and the way it feels against mine. Or, I love…what I can get from you. I love…hanging out with you but don’t call me if you need help moving. So, I am now afraid of these words. I don’t want to hear them from anyone who can’t back them up, and I damn sure won’t say them if I can’t back them up. Recently a guy who I have dated off and on (we have never committed because of distance and circumstances and well, he is a commitment phobe and a workaholic), drunkenly said these words to me several times. The first emotion this inspired was fear. I didn’t know what to say. He was drunk, so maybe he just felt affection for whomever was near him. But after all these years and after many drunken stupid nights, he says these words repeatedly. I just kept saying “no you don’t”. So, he said, “Fine, I hate you.” I of course reminded him of this as well as other embarrassing stories of the night, and his reply was, “Well, I do like you. And I said I hate you because you didn’t appreciate my intentions.” He seemed embarrassed, and we proceeded to laugh about a story he told about a goat that kept getting weirder and weirder, and how he hugged some guy he doesn’t remember meeting. I am probably just being a girl about this, but I keep wondering why he is suddenly throwing around the L word, even it is in a drunken state. Hey, at least I didn’t say it back. I did realize that we do have an attachment to each other that goes beyond casual encounters or the occasional dinner date when we have the time. I remember calling him when I needed to talk to someone who wasn’t so directly involved in my life. He’s turned to me several times in the past when he needed someone to listen. So maybe there are different levels of love. I love you enough to listen to you vent about your work at 1 o’clock in the morning. I love you enough to drive an hour and a half to see you, and you love me enough to do the same. I don’t love you enough to change anything in my life so that we can see each other more often or progress any further. That is what you have to consider when someone says those words, or when you say them. How much would you sacrifice for this person, because that is how much you love them. To truly love someone is to love them unconditionally. When we put conditions on our love for another person, it limits that love. When that condition no longer applies, the love disappears.

July 16, 2013

Fear Not

Filed under: angst,Blogging,dating,life — desi83 @ 12:22 am

I have been pondering lately on how much fear dominates my life, and I think I need to start pushing myself out of my tedious comfort zone. Why? Because lately I have been bored and finding myself spending time doing what I don’t really want to do out of boredom and out of convenience. It is sad how excited I was just to go to Nashville this past Saturday. I have been stuck in this town for way too long this year. My yearly beach trip did not happen. I have not gone to any summer festivities or concerts in Nashville so far. I drink with my friends and spend an exhorbent amount of time at home reading, watching mindless television, and spending too much time on facebook and online dating. Well, I’ve kind of gotten away from the later lately, but still. I need adventure in my life again. Also, I need to grow some figurative balls. So, here is a list of activities/goals/actions/advice that should do the trick.

1) Go on a road trip for a weekend before the sumer ends. Ask someone to go with me.
2) Stop averting my eyes and avoiding every attractive guy who looks at me. What the hell is wrong with me?

3) Write my damned book! I started it, and I shelved it. And I really liked it!

4) Do not whimp out and cancel (like I always do) the party I am invited to in Nashville in 2 weeks. It is okay to crash there.

5) Save money not just for school, but also for a beach trip. I don’t care if it is just over the weekend, buy a plane ticket and fucking go.

6) Stop wasting time on facebook. It is stupid.

7) Enjoy the moments, and don’t worry so much about the consequences. Not everything is meant to evolve into something everlasting, but if it does, just let it happen as it should. If it doesn’t, don’t have regrets, just enjoy the memory and take what you can out of it.

8) I don’t have to be everyone’s friend. If there is someone who is a poison to my life, I don’t have to be their friend just because everyone else likes them. Be cordial and try to talk to other people instead of that person, but don’t let that person deter me from being with my friends.
9) Don’t keep dating someone out of pity or boredom. If I decide I am not into someone, be honest and remember that it is not all the sudden going to magically improve. However, if I really like someone, I don’t have to wait around for them to call me. Just don’t stalk them or be “the crazy girl”. ha.
10) Go dancing way more often. Dance well, dance badly, just dance.

July 10, 2013

An old forgotten poem

Filed under: dating,poetry,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 2:46 am
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Wow, I just found this in my documents. I wrote this years ago! It cracked me up because it sounds like a country song…

Tight White T-Shirt

Your tight white tshirt and your Levi’s jeans

made me blush and weaken at the knees

It’s you right now that I want to please

That day we spent keeps playing in scenes

 

In my head, in my head, is only you

I want your berry chapsticked lips so much I can taste it

I kind of want these thoughts of you to quit

but I want you all the time now, I do, I do

 

We walked together on that rocky trail

I couldn’t help but stare at you walking in front of me

and being there with you made me see

I could never give up no matter how much I fail

 

The sun beat down on us leaving beads of sweat

cooling our brown summer skin

the creek fed by waterfalls was a welcome friend

and I couldn’t wait to see that tshirt wet

 

Love has come and gone, and I know it’ll come again

because of the way you looked at me that day

while together wearing nothing we lay

I fell for you so hard, I never wanted it to end

 

Now the anticipation builds up for me

I’m hoping to have more carpe diem days like that with you

For I’d just die right now if I knew we were through

One day was all it took for me to see, see, see

 

Your tshirt was left lying in a pile on my floor

and when I lifted it, that intoxicating smell of you

filled my nostrils with memories of us two

My mind is turning flips with thoughts until it’s sore

 

 

March 23, 2013

30

Filed under: angst,Blogging,dating,life,relationships — desi83 @ 2:34 am

“You are too pretty to not be married. You’re not even engaged yet?” “Do you have kids? Really, why not?” Yes, these are questions/comments that I’ve gotten from well-meaning older ladies at the schools where I’ve taught recently. Five years ago it was more like “Oh, you have plenty of time, there is no rush,” or “You don’t want to settle down too soon”. Now it’s like, hey, you’re headed towards spinsterhood, get a move on. I’ve also noticed that if a person near my age is divorced, people understand that more than my being single. Even with shows like Friends, Happy Endings, New Girl, and a plethora of other shows about 30 somethings being single, the attitude is still the same. It’s time to get married and have children before your looks go and your eggs dry up. Actually, CiCi in New Girl did have that pressure and is now engaged because, in her Indian culture, it was time for her to meet and marry a suitable Indian man chosen by her parents. I got the impression that she was only into it because it was what was expected. Of course, that is another issue, and luckily my family doesn’t put a lot of pressure and expectations on me when it comes to marriage and kids. Every now and then they’ll complain about how I never date anyone they like, but that’s as far as it really goes. It’s mostly that I am feeling societal pressure, as well as pressure from every guy I’ve dated since being in my late 20s.
friends

I don’t remember the last time I dated a guy without the expectation that the relationship could end up in marriage. Sheesh, talk about pressure. I wish I could just enjoy dating someone and getting to know them without talking about our future child’s name or where we want to live. We’ve only been dating for a few months, I don’t even know if I like everything about your personality yet! I admit, though, that I do get wrapped up in the idea at first. I think, well, I need to eventually get married anyway, and this guy wants to marry me, and he has a lot of good qualities and likes to take me to do fun things, so why not? But then I find some annoying habit he has and I realize, wow, we still have a lot to learn about each other before we can even fathom spending a lifetime together. Phew, yeah, this is a bit jumbled, I have a lot on my mind.

I’m going to Las Vegas for my 30th birthday, but there will be no eloping this weekend. I’m going to have fun with my guy, and I’m living in the present while I do it. We’ve literally had fights about hypothetical situations that would happen possibly if we were married. Then I got angry toward the end of the argument because I realized how preposterous the whole discussion was. I’m taking the shades of possibility off of my face for now so that I can just be in the present with him and get to know him much more thoroughly. Because sometimes I think I’d like to just live with my dogs and be done with it. Maybe I could find another loner who likes to just get together every couple of weeks and relieve our need for human companionship-I’m talking about playing a good old fashioned game of Jenga, get your mind out of the gutter;)

January 22, 2013

The world is not all rainbows and butterflies

Filed under: Blogging,dating,life,relationships — desi83 @ 2:55 am

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Recently I had a realization that I am growing out of my idealism that people in this world are generally good and can be trusted. I got scammed out of a few hundred dollars because someone charming offered me what I thought sounded like a good opportunity. Details were left out of the contract with a footnote that read “see terms of use for more information” in tiny writing on the very bottom. I didn’t realize that I was getting locked into a year long contract that would automatically deduct money from my account every month for an entire year. It was a personal training service that I thought I could try for a month, and if I didn’t like it or didn’t want to pay for it anymore, I could just end it. Not so much, and there was a huge cancellation fee involved. Anyway, this occurance brought up memories of men who have deceived me, as well as people in professional situations or people I thought were friends. Through all of those deceptions, I still maintained that people were basically good and could be trusted. This scam, however, was like a smack in the face for me. I was extremely depressed for a couple of days, not just because I lost money (in the general scheme of things, a few hundred dollars lost won’t matter years from now) but because it was a realization that people are not generally to be trusted because people are selfish and will stomp on anyone to get what they want. I want to be idealistic and believe in love, trust, and harmony. But where does that get me? If I had my guard up and asked more questions or did more research when the trainer talked to me about joining, I wouldn’t have ended up in that mess. But because I trusted that he was helping me and had my best interest at heart, I ended up in a money pit. Another problem with that contract-it auto renews after a year. So it was like an eternal contract. It was like selling one’s soul to the devil.

In my new relationship, I find myself looking for red flags and questioning what he says and his intentions with me. It all sounds romantic and perfect, but he could leave me tomorrow, or he could be romancing someone else. I have given so much to past relationships that I have felt stripped down emotionally and completely exhausted. For what? For a guy who probably didn’t care that much in the first place because he had his issues and was looking for someone to fix them. So, now I tread lightly into this, yet at the same time I do find myself getting wrapped up in the romance of it all. I let myself fall a little bit and enjoy being happy with him. However, I still have my guard up and won’t say the L-word too fast, because there are parts of me that he has yet to see, and I’m sure he could say the same for himself. The point is, I’m sad that my belief in the good in people has gone to the wayside, and I’m just like my mother in terms of thinking of the worst case scnarios all the time.

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