Cafe de Desiree

March 1, 2016

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Filed under: angst,career,dreams,life,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 12:18 am
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I may be rusty today. I have only been writing case studies, web content(for my 2nd job), lesson plans, and poetry for kindergarten students since October. I haven’t had time to breathe, much less write creatively. I don’t know why I stopped journaling (that’s not a word, SpellCheck? Hmmph). I have been reading a book that seems to never end…IQ84 by Haraku Murakami. Did I spell that right? I’ll look it up later. I wish I had more time to devote to it so that it wouldn’t take months to read. It’s funny though, because there is so much parallelism that I can’t forget what happened earlier in the book. Thank you, Murakami, for making that easy for me.

I would say that I am tired, but I don’t think that is the right word. I am on a journey, again, and God I hope I end up where I want to be next fall. I am teaching at this private school. I enjoy it for the most part, but the pay is not enough for my bills. I am looking at public schools, and the thought keeps recurring to me-I need out of here. I am going to apply to the Florida school system. It could be for a year, or a few years, who knows. I just really want to start over. I’ve felt for years that I am stuck. This year it felt more like I am preparing for something. I am about to finish my graduate program at Vanderbilt. I can’t believe I am even uttering those words. It was a fluke that happened because I am at this low budget private school (I love my kids, and the administration, just so you know). I was blessed to be given a grant to go there to earn my ESL certification. In other words, my resume will be much more attractive to schools this time around.

I feel like Holly Golightly-I haven’t unpacked everything because this isn’t home, this crappy one bedroom apartment on the rough side of town. I am ready to get to where I am supposed to go. I love so many people in my life, but I am ready to find new connections in a new place with a new job. And damn it, I want to have time to write. I want to only have one job! I want to be content, but not too content…more content than I am now, that is for sure.

I want to love what I do. I want to be in love, I want to be home. I want to feel like I’ve mostly gotten there, wherever there is.

August 16, 2014

ABC, It really is easy as 123…

Filed under: Blogging,career,life — desi83 @ 1:36 am
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If I were writing this two days ago, this would be a very negative, hopeless entry. I had a terrible bout with anxiety after having a rough couple of days at my new job. I am a kindergarten teacher. I went into this thinking that it would be fairly easy. I was wrong. I now realize that every grade level, from kindergarten to 12th grade, has its own set of challenges. How do I survive these challenges without pulling my hair out or crawling in a hole to hide? I realized that the children aren’t the problem. The school is not the problem. I am. I need to focus on being more patient and more realistic with my expectations. So, yesterday I went in with a sense of calm. I focused on the true reason for my being in that classroom: the children. I researched fun lessons, and I am now showing them more patience as they learn how to behave and function in a classroom. I listen to them, encourage them, and love them. I truly appreciate the hugs and kind words that they give me every day. I laugh when they are being silly, and sometimes I get silly with them. I sing and dance with them, and I realize that I haven’t done that enough as an adult. I try new methods and strategies and only use the ones that they seem to enjoy. I stopped being so hard on myself and realized that this year will be far from perfect, but I am going to work hard to make it a year that my kids will reflect upon fondly as they grow older.

I realized today that I have achieved two very important goals in my life. I am a certified, employed teacher. I am also now a paid writer. I am freelance writing now and getting paid for my work. It is mostly ad copy and promotional articles, and it is actually quite fun. I have still yet to publish my book or short stories, but I may attempt that this summer now that my confidence is growing. As I was leaving to go home this afternoon after working my first full week at school, the secretary said something that really impacted me. “Has anyone ever told you that you have a beautiful smile? It is very calming and genuine,” she said. “I am just so happy to be here right now,” I answered honestly. Life may not be perfect, and I am still a work in progress, but I am filled with gratitude for the life that I am living.

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