Cafe de Desiree

June 27, 2015

Love-no one should be denied it

Filed under: Blogging,current issues,life — desi83 @ 8:02 am
Tags: , , ,

My facebook feed was throwing up rainbows today. I’m sure I am not alone in this. Even if you have no interest in the issue and most of your friends have no interest, it has been the main story of every major news outlet. Agree or disagree, marriage equality was passed by our Supreme Court today, and this will matter for our future. A white woman pretending to be black and getting fired from the NAACP will not matter a year from now. Josh Duggar won’t matter. I can think of several other recent stupid stories that blew up my newsfeed lately that won’t matter. But this changes our society just like Roe vs Wade or Brown vs Board of Education. The Civil Rights act, the amendment that allowed women to vote, the amendment that allowed bi-racial marriage…these events changed our society, evolved it. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I thought about gay marriage years ago. Then I got to a point where I didn’t care. Today, though, I reflected on it by looking at myself. Yes, because human beings are selfish creatures, and until we can look at a situation from our own self-centered eyes, we don’t understand or care.

I am 32 years old, and I am single. I have dated and had relationships, and it’s not that I can’t find a person who wants to be with me. I just haven’t found the right person for me. Yet, I do have the freedom to explore my options and marry someone if and when I do find that person. So then I imagine if I were suddenly living in a country where I wasn’t allowed to marry a man. If I walked down the street with a man, we would be met with scrutiny. People might laugh at us or call us gross. In this new land, I might mention to my parents that I like a boy at school, and they are filled with fear. No one will accept me. No one will like me. How will my attraction to men affect their reputation? So they need time to process this, because they love me but they didn’t mean to raise a daughter who wants to have sex with men. How did this happen? Where did they go wrong? I might go several years without dating anyone because I don’t want to upset the people around me.

One day, let’s say I fall in love with this man, and in this new land, I am told that I can date him, and I can even have a fake wedding with him. But I can’t have a real marriage and a real wedding officiated by an actual official. So, I ask, what should I do? I can’t change the fact that I am attracted to men. It’s an attraction that I’ve felt since I was able to interact with people. It’s not something that I decided. In this land, I am a church goer, a follower of God. My church tells me that it isn’t right. I should resist the temptation of the sin. What is your answer? I should just live alone? I should just force myself to be with people I’m not attracted to? I should just live the rest of my life without being in love with someone?

I’m not going to pretend that I know how you feel if you are gay. I can only imagine how that process works…having to deal with society, your family, etc. when you tell them that you’re gay. I do know that the thought of living the rest of my life alone, without a partner to share it with, is fucking depressing. God, nature, spirit, whatever you want to call it, did not intend for humans to live solitary lives. It is our nature to find a mate to share our lives with. True, women and men were created with sexual organs to breed more humans. But your sexual orientation is more of an instinct than a choice, so whatever the reason, some humans were born with the instinct to be with those of the same sex. Currently, most of our world is populating at rate that is difficult for our Earth to sustain with its limited resources. Also, heterosexuals still outnumber homosexuals. So, I don’t for see the Earth’s population deteriorating due to homosexual marriage. Their love hurts no one. No one should be denied love. I think today was a huge step in the right direction for our evolution into a more loving, intelligent society.

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August 16, 2014

ABC, It really is easy as 123…

Filed under: Blogging,career,life — desi83 @ 1:36 am
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If I were writing this two days ago, this would be a very negative, hopeless entry. I had a terrible bout with anxiety after having a rough couple of days at my new job. I am a kindergarten teacher. I went into this thinking that it would be fairly easy. I was wrong. I now realize that every grade level, from kindergarten to 12th grade, has its own set of challenges. How do I survive these challenges without pulling my hair out or crawling in a hole to hide? I realized that the children aren’t the problem. The school is not the problem. I am. I need to focus on being more patient and more realistic with my expectations. So, yesterday I went in with a sense of calm. I focused on the true reason for my being in that classroom: the children. I researched fun lessons, and I am now showing them more patience as they learn how to behave and function in a classroom. I listen to them, encourage them, and love them. I truly appreciate the hugs and kind words that they give me every day. I laugh when they are being silly, and sometimes I get silly with them. I sing and dance with them, and I realize that I haven’t done that enough as an adult. I try new methods and strategies and only use the ones that they seem to enjoy. I stopped being so hard on myself and realized that this year will be far from perfect, but I am going to work hard to make it a year that my kids will reflect upon fondly as they grow older.

I realized today that I have achieved two very important goals in my life. I am a certified, employed teacher. I am also now a paid writer. I am freelance writing now and getting paid for my work. It is mostly ad copy and promotional articles, and it is actually quite fun. I have still yet to publish my book or short stories, but I may attempt that this summer now that my confidence is growing. As I was leaving to go home this afternoon after working my first full week at school, the secretary said something that really impacted me. “Has anyone ever told you that you have a beautiful smile? It is very calming and genuine,” she said. “I am just so happy to be here right now,” I answered honestly. Life may not be perfect, and I am still a work in progress, but I am filled with gratitude for the life that I am living.

July 5, 2014

You’re in Control if You Want to Be

Filed under: Blogging,Exercise,food,Gluten free,Health — desi83 @ 12:18 am

I sit staring at the computer screen feeling depressed about the fact that I am filling out yet another job application that will be filed with thousands of other applications. I try to make my stand out, but it is probably similar to the majority of the submissions that the schools are reading. There may even be something on there that causes it to get filtered out, so it never gets read at all. I sit in this little apartment in a bad area of town, and I am grateful to have a job even though it isn’t in my career field. I am grateful to have a roof over my head and food to eat. I am just not living the life that I want. When I begin to sink into the darkness of unfulfillment and depression, I stand up and put on my running shoes. I set a goal for myself that is reasonable yet challenging. I run at a pace that is just fast enough to be a little painful, yet it is not so fast that it is unbearable. My feet pounding the pavement gives me a feeling of power. The pain in my muscles reminds me that I am growing stronger with every stride. Inhaling and exhaling the outdoor air, deeply and slowly, gives me a sense of control. The worry and stress simply melt away. No one and nothing can stop me but myself. I feel alive and relaxed even though I am sweating and exerting a great amount of energy. I am able to gain control of my thoughts and ideas. Everything seems clearer to me during that time. When I reach my distance goal without stopping to walk or rest, I feel accomplished. I hear the crowd cheering for me as I cross the finish line in my head.

 

This is what exercise can do. I don’t need anti-depression medication or therapy. I don’t need to sit around and cry into my ice cream. I just have to do something healthy that gives me a sense of control and accomplishment. I know that somehow, everything will work out as it should. Sure, I am getting a little impatient. I was supposed to be married and working as a teacher several years ago, according to my life plan. However, I am not in complete control of that, unfortunately. Life has had other plans for me. I still don’t like it, because I do like to stick to my plans and be in control of every situation that I am in. I am learning ways to deal with it, though. I have found that simply exercising and eating healthy has transformed me mentally, emotionally, and physically in ways that I never imagined. Aside from running, I also go to the gym and ride a bike. Sometimes I go hiking on the weekends, which is a sort of spiritual experience for me. Being immersed in nature and away from the crowds is peaceful and relaxing.

 

Eating healthy has made a huge difference, and the more I read about it, the more I realize how food can truly be medicine or poison, depending on what it is. I eat mostly organic, whole foods. I eliminated gluten and dairy from my diet. I have greatly reduced the amount of sugar that I eat. I include a large amount of fruits and vegetables in my diet, as well as lean meats and whole grains(rice, flax, i.e. gluten free grains). I drink water and juice instead of soda or tea. I feel healthier, happier, and more energetic than when I didn’t pay attention to what I ate.

Studies show that eating healthy and exercising can greatly reduce your risk of cancer. Smoking, drinking, being sedentary, and eating processed foods will put you at a higher risk of developing several types of cancer. Read more on the American Cancer Society website below. Seriously, just eating healthy and exercise can help prevent cancer. I think it’s at least worth a try! It’s not a guarantee obviously. Life, unfortunately, gives us no guarantees, but why not put the odds in your favor:

<http://www.cancer.org/research/infographicgallery/prevention-studies-for-cancer?gclid=CP-3o5DjrL8CFQMT7AodtnoA_g&gt;

 

The bottom line is, diet and exercise is really all it takes to gain control of your life and become a healthier person. You have to find the exercise that works for you. Running is not for everyone, I know. Some people look at it as punishment. Yoga, long walks, or cycling are also healthy ways to exercise. As for diet, I think it is important to eat whole, organic, non-processed foods. Gluten and dairy are fine for some people. I have digestive issues, so I avoid inflammatory foods such as those. If you do eat gluten and dairy, just make sure you eat whole grains and organic dairy products. It’s just not a good idea to ingest pesticides, hormones, or chemicals in general. Try going to your local farmer’s market. The fruits and vegetables there taste so much better than what you find at the grocery story. Unlike prescription medications, there are no harmful side effects of exercise or healthy eating. Sometimes you have to take medication, but sometimes you can slowly move away from it if you develop a healthier lifestyle, or at least reduce your dependency on medication. So, get off the couch and get active! Then, eat something that will leave you feeling satisfied and energized instead of uncomfortably full.

July 16, 2013

Fear Not

Filed under: angst,Blogging,dating,life — desi83 @ 12:22 am

I have been pondering lately on how much fear dominates my life, and I think I need to start pushing myself out of my tedious comfort zone. Why? Because lately I have been bored and finding myself spending time doing what I don’t really want to do out of boredom and out of convenience. It is sad how excited I was just to go to Nashville this past Saturday. I have been stuck in this town for way too long this year. My yearly beach trip did not happen. I have not gone to any summer festivities or concerts in Nashville so far. I drink with my friends and spend an exhorbent amount of time at home reading, watching mindless television, and spending too much time on facebook and online dating. Well, I’ve kind of gotten away from the later lately, but still. I need adventure in my life again. Also, I need to grow some figurative balls. So, here is a list of activities/goals/actions/advice that should do the trick.

1) Go on a road trip for a weekend before the sumer ends. Ask someone to go with me.
2) Stop averting my eyes and avoiding every attractive guy who looks at me. What the hell is wrong with me?

3) Write my damned book! I started it, and I shelved it. And I really liked it!

4) Do not whimp out and cancel (like I always do) the party I am invited to in Nashville in 2 weeks. It is okay to crash there.

5) Save money not just for school, but also for a beach trip. I don’t care if it is just over the weekend, buy a plane ticket and fucking go.

6) Stop wasting time on facebook. It is stupid.

7) Enjoy the moments, and don’t worry so much about the consequences. Not everything is meant to evolve into something everlasting, but if it does, just let it happen as it should. If it doesn’t, don’t have regrets, just enjoy the memory and take what you can out of it.

8) I don’t have to be everyone’s friend. If there is someone who is a poison to my life, I don’t have to be their friend just because everyone else likes them. Be cordial and try to talk to other people instead of that person, but don’t let that person deter me from being with my friends.
9) Don’t keep dating someone out of pity or boredom. If I decide I am not into someone, be honest and remember that it is not all the sudden going to magically improve. However, if I really like someone, I don’t have to wait around for them to call me. Just don’t stalk them or be “the crazy girl”. ha.
10) Go dancing way more often. Dance well, dance badly, just dance.

June 24, 2013

Alone Time with an old friend

Filed under: Blogging,life — desi83 @ 2:04 am
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A certain sadness overtook me like getting caught in the undertow of a great ocean wave without any apparent warning or cause. It caught my breath for a moment, so I breathed in deeply and sighed slowly and audibly with my eyes closed. A song kept playing in my head that I hadn’t heard in a long time, so I searched for it and played in on my phone. I remember listening to the radio for hours as a pre-teen waiting for a song like that to finally come on the radio so that I could record it on a cassette. Now, like magic, the song is mine in a matter of seconds. I suppose I do miss the experience of anticipation and discovering new songs that played on the station while I waited. Still, it is nice to hear this song outside of my own head. I’m in between that place of wanting to reach out to someone and wanting to recoil from the outside world and read about the outside world from the safety of my couch. It’s a strange feeling, wanting someone to hold you without speaking or taking the affection further than merely just that-a warm and lasting embrace without ulterior motives. I settle for my little dog that likes to curl up in the bend of my knees. I read baby news and wedding news, I look at vacation photos, and I shake my head (smh) at silly drama that people feel the need to publicize. For a few minutes, I live vicariously through these people whom I knew long ago some way or another. I stupidly type in his name in the search bar, and the sadness catches my breath yet again as I gaze at the picture of him with his new love. Then, it all feels artificial and wrong, so I turn off the computer and pick up a book. I love the feel of the pages between my fingers and the smell of the print and dust. It feels real, tangible, like a memory that will never fade. The phone rings, and I silence it; it’s a friend of mine. A text comes through inviting me to some event nearby. Yet in this moment, I prefer the company of an old friend who is always waiting for me on the shelf without judgement or impatience with me for leaving her there for so long. I lose myself in her words, and she overtakes my thoughts and emotions for the next hour.

March 23, 2013

30

Filed under: angst,Blogging,dating,life,relationships — desi83 @ 2:34 am

“You are too pretty to not be married. You’re not even engaged yet?” “Do you have kids? Really, why not?” Yes, these are questions/comments that I’ve gotten from well-meaning older ladies at the schools where I’ve taught recently. Five years ago it was more like “Oh, you have plenty of time, there is no rush,” or “You don’t want to settle down too soon”. Now it’s like, hey, you’re headed towards spinsterhood, get a move on. I’ve also noticed that if a person near my age is divorced, people understand that more than my being single. Even with shows like Friends, Happy Endings, New Girl, and a plethora of other shows about 30 somethings being single, the attitude is still the same. It’s time to get married and have children before your looks go and your eggs dry up. Actually, CiCi in New Girl did have that pressure and is now engaged because, in her Indian culture, it was time for her to meet and marry a suitable Indian man chosen by her parents. I got the impression that she was only into it because it was what was expected. Of course, that is another issue, and luckily my family doesn’t put a lot of pressure and expectations on me when it comes to marriage and kids. Every now and then they’ll complain about how I never date anyone they like, but that’s as far as it really goes. It’s mostly that I am feeling societal pressure, as well as pressure from every guy I’ve dated since being in my late 20s.
friends

I don’t remember the last time I dated a guy without the expectation that the relationship could end up in marriage. Sheesh, talk about pressure. I wish I could just enjoy dating someone and getting to know them without talking about our future child’s name or where we want to live. We’ve only been dating for a few months, I don’t even know if I like everything about your personality yet! I admit, though, that I do get wrapped up in the idea at first. I think, well, I need to eventually get married anyway, and this guy wants to marry me, and he has a lot of good qualities and likes to take me to do fun things, so why not? But then I find some annoying habit he has and I realize, wow, we still have a lot to learn about each other before we can even fathom spending a lifetime together. Phew, yeah, this is a bit jumbled, I have a lot on my mind.

I’m going to Las Vegas for my 30th birthday, but there will be no eloping this weekend. I’m going to have fun with my guy, and I’m living in the present while I do it. We’ve literally had fights about hypothetical situations that would happen possibly if we were married. Then I got angry toward the end of the argument because I realized how preposterous the whole discussion was. I’m taking the shades of possibility off of my face for now so that I can just be in the present with him and get to know him much more thoroughly. Because sometimes I think I’d like to just live with my dogs and be done with it. Maybe I could find another loner who likes to just get together every couple of weeks and relieve our need for human companionship-I’m talking about playing a good old fashioned game of Jenga, get your mind out of the gutter;)

March 11, 2013

I’m moving on…

Filed under: Blogging,life,music — desi83 @ 5:06 am

Rascal Flatts: I’m Movin’ On
Yes, this song is exactly how I feel right now. After I’m finished with school, I’m definitely moving on to a new place for a new life. So, I have the next year to figure out a plan. Sometimes you really can be in the same place with the same people for too long. Recent events have been pushing me more and more toward this idea. There are an inordinate amount of places and opportunities in this world, so it is senseless to stay in one place forever when you feel you’ve outgrown it or at least don’t fit into it any more. I am more than the sum of my past mistakes, but there are too many reminders of that here. I am excited about the possibilities waiting for me, and it is up to me to grab hold of them. I’ve been working diligently to change certain behavior patterns that have hindered me my whole life. I’m reading a book that is giving me ideas on how to do this, I’m holding myself accountable by writing about it in my journal, and I’m taking notes on ideas from the book that really stand out. I’m going to be 30 this month, so it would be preposterous to stay here making the same mistakes and being reminded constantly of those mistakes. It’s time to grow up and move on.

January 22, 2013

The world is not all rainbows and butterflies

Filed under: Blogging,dating,life,relationships — desi83 @ 2:55 am

zd

Recently I had a realization that I am growing out of my idealism that people in this world are generally good and can be trusted. I got scammed out of a few hundred dollars because someone charming offered me what I thought sounded like a good opportunity. Details were left out of the contract with a footnote that read “see terms of use for more information” in tiny writing on the very bottom. I didn’t realize that I was getting locked into a year long contract that would automatically deduct money from my account every month for an entire year. It was a personal training service that I thought I could try for a month, and if I didn’t like it or didn’t want to pay for it anymore, I could just end it. Not so much, and there was a huge cancellation fee involved. Anyway, this occurance brought up memories of men who have deceived me, as well as people in professional situations or people I thought were friends. Through all of those deceptions, I still maintained that people were basically good and could be trusted. This scam, however, was like a smack in the face for me. I was extremely depressed for a couple of days, not just because I lost money (in the general scheme of things, a few hundred dollars lost won’t matter years from now) but because it was a realization that people are not generally to be trusted because people are selfish and will stomp on anyone to get what they want. I want to be idealistic and believe in love, trust, and harmony. But where does that get me? If I had my guard up and asked more questions or did more research when the trainer talked to me about joining, I wouldn’t have ended up in that mess. But because I trusted that he was helping me and had my best interest at heart, I ended up in a money pit. Another problem with that contract-it auto renews after a year. So it was like an eternal contract. It was like selling one’s soul to the devil.

In my new relationship, I find myself looking for red flags and questioning what he says and his intentions with me. It all sounds romantic and perfect, but he could leave me tomorrow, or he could be romancing someone else. I have given so much to past relationships that I have felt stripped down emotionally and completely exhausted. For what? For a guy who probably didn’t care that much in the first place because he had his issues and was looking for someone to fix them. So, now I tread lightly into this, yet at the same time I do find myself getting wrapped up in the romance of it all. I let myself fall a little bit and enjoy being happy with him. However, I still have my guard up and won’t say the L-word too fast, because there are parts of me that he has yet to see, and I’m sure he could say the same for himself. The point is, I’m sad that my belief in the good in people has gone to the wayside, and I’m just like my mother in terms of thinking of the worst case scnarios all the time.

October 8, 2012

If Only:)

Filed under: Blogging,life,story — desi83 @ 8:34 am

I logged onto indeed.com as I do every day in search of a job that won’t make me miserable, but this time I plugged in a different location: Jacksonville, FL. I scrolled through the listings casually, and then there was one that stopped me in my tracks: legal secretary no experience needed with college degree. That is one of the career possibilities that I have been considering, but every time I see a post for it, the experience required is usually 3+ years. I have none. How in the hell does one get that experience if there are never entry level jobs open? Well, this was starting to look like a prophecy. I wasn’t going to jump ahead of myself,  though. After being either rejected or ignored for so many months by prospective jobs, this one may not be any different. So, I clicked “apply”. I filled out every detail about myself along with my resume, which pretty much summed up everything that I had to write on the application. I pressed “submit”. I sighed. I could live in Jacksonville, Florida, even if just for a short while. I could spend my free time lying on the beach, swimming in the ocean, jogging along the shoreline, or just sitting in the sand with a good book in my hands while listening to the waves. This would no longer be a big ordeal. It would be a trip right down the street. Oh, if only.

A week passed by, and I got a call from an out-of-state area code that woke me up at 8:00 in the morning. That is a ridiculously early hour for someone who has no where to be. I almost didn’t answer, because I figured either it was a tele-marketer, or I’d sound too groggy to talk to anyone seriously. The little cricket in my head whispered to me to answer the phone. “Hello?” I mumbled. “Hi, is this Desiree?” asked a voice that sounded like it came from a cheerleader. I cleared my throat loudly. “Yes, this is she,” I tried to say clearly. “I’m so sorry, did I wake you?” the peppy voice asked. “No, no I am awake, I’m good. Can I help you?” I asked, still not entirely sure this wasn’t a tele-marketer. “This is Ashley from Bennett and Bailey law firm. You submitted an application online for the legal secretary position?” she explained. Holy shit. This was a dream. There is no way this is happening. “Yes ma’am, I am still interested if you are interviewing,” I stammered. “Great. Well, we’d love to set up an interview with you, Desiree. When will you be available this week?” she asked. I’m always available, I thought. “Anytime really. I am in Tennessee right now, but I can be there in about eight hours,” I answered too enthusiastically. “Awesome! Well, since you are driving such a long distance, how about we set an appointment on Wednesday at 9 am? That way you can have until tomorrow to get to Jacksonville, then you can spend the night in a hotel and get right up and come see us,” she planned for me. I guess I hadn’t been too enthusiastic. It only made Ashley more peppy than ever. “I will be there. What is the address?”

I didn’t know what to do. Should I tell my parents and my friends? I should wait. I may not even get the job. I was going to get the job, though, I just knew it. I nail interviews. The only problem is that most of the time I cannot get the interview. I’m usually either over-qualified or under-qualified or lack the experience wanted. If I can get into the interview, I can usually get the job. I went to my closet and tried on five different outfits until I found something suitable enough for a legal secretary job interview. I don’t have a lot of office appropriate clothes because I’ve worn a retail uniform for the past five years. I would love the chance to dress nicely for a change. I dragged my suitcase out of the attic and packed my interview outfit and shoes. It was a long sleeved button-down red shirt from Express and a grey business skirt that fell right below my knees. I packed some black pumps, which I detest because they are so horribly uncomfortable. I am a jeans and tshirt girl. Okay, I said I would like a job where I dress nice. In a way I do because it makes me feel pretty and important at the same time. However, I hate feeling uncomfortable. I threw in underwear and stockings, pajamas, and Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief to read at the hotel. I was ready for my big interview. Then I realized-I’m going to the beach! I threw in my bikini and a beach towel and zipped the suitcase shut.

After a sleepless night spent thinking about how happy and successful I was going to be living on the beach, I arose to make my way to Jacksonville. I guzzled some coffee, quickly stuffed some toast down my throat, and I headed out with my suitcase and resume. I stopped for lunch in Georgia at the Cracker Barrel, because I always go there on trips. I was making a mini vacation out of this even though I couldn’t really afford it. The toast hadn’t done anything for my appetite, so I gobbled up my scrambled eggs, turkey sausage, and hashbrown casserole. I downed a large orange juice, made a pit stop, and headed out. I didn’t even get lost like I usually do on long trips. My gps did not fail me. I checked in my hotel at eight p.m., only thirty minutes later than I had predicted. I guess I spent more time at Cracker Barrel than was the plan. There was a pool and a hot tub at this hotel, so I decided to change into my swimsuit when I got into my room. When I first walked into my hotel room, I immediately threw down my suitcase, kicked off my shoes, and ran to the window to see the beach that was just outside. The view was like something from a dream. The moon was shining down on the dark water below, the waves were crashing fiercely against the shoreline, and I wanted more than anything to just be down there.

I decided that the hot tub was the best way to relax before my big interview. The beach would be safer and warmer during the day, any way. So, I changed into my swimsuit and made my way downstairs. I arrived at the hot tub where I found a young man sitting alone in the hot tub. He looked about my age, maybe a bit younger, and he was strikingly good-looking. He smiled at me. “Hi, how are you? Don’t worry, I won’t bite if you want to come in,” he said. I couldn’t say no to that Tom Cruise smile. “Okay, if you don’t mind,” I said timidly. I hoped a girlfriend or wife wouldn’t suddenly show up. “Of course I don’t mind. It’ll be nice to have someone to talk with,” he answered smoothly. I wanted to do more than just talk-no, stop it! I am not here to flirt or get into trouble, I thought. I climbed in and sat beside him with a comfortable distance between us. Suddenly, a bottle of some craft beer I’d never heard of was placed into my hand. “Fritz Hefeweizen is from the Bold City brewing company-right here in Jacksonville,” he explained. “Oh, cool, I love trying local beer wherever I am,” I replied. It was pretty good beer, too. “So, what is your name?” I asked after taking a sip. “Jackson,” he replied, jerking his hand from the water and splashing me a bit. “Sorry, I was just trying to shake your hand,” he said awkwardly. I laughed and shook his hand. “Are you kidding me? If we are using fake names, at least come up with something original. I met Jackson in Jacksonville, really?” I said, slightly offended. He shook his head, and we were still holding hands very awkwardly. I let go when I realized this. “I know it sounds ridiculous, but I can show you my license later,” he reassured me. “Oh, so you have a specially made license for picking up girls in every city, huh? Clever,” I quipped. He laughed. “Well, what is your name? Oh, please let it be Jackie. That would be priceless,” he joked. “It can be if you want it to be. No, kidding, my name is Desiree,” I replied, blushing. “Nice to meet you, Desiree. I like that name better anyway,” he said smiling that hypnotizing smile again.

“So, Jackson, what are you doing here in Jacksonville?” I asked. “Oh, I am here for a job. I might be moving here soon if all goes well,” he replied. “How ironic, I am here for a job interview,” I responded. “So we might be neighbors one day,” he suggested. “Maybe. Have you looked at any houses yet?” I asked. “I have, but I don’t know that I’ve found what I am looking for quite yet. I do know that I am finding Jacksonville to be quite charming and inviting,” he said as he leaned toward me. “Yes, yes it is. Well, speaking of my job interview, I need to go to my room and get some sleep. I want to be rested and ready for it,” I replied nervously, moving my face away from his. “Yes, good idea. I’m so glad that we met here. I’ll be staying here for a few days if you want to grab a drink tomorrow night? My room is 322, so give me a call or come knock on my door sometime tomorrow,” he suggested. I blushed again. “Okay, I will. Good to meet you,” I said as I turned to leave. “Good luck!” he shouted.

I went up to my room with my towel wrapped around my warm and relaxed body. This was all surreal. After wallowing in self-doubt and misery for so many years, could Lady Luck really be paying me a visit? I opened the door and fell onto the bed, praying that this wasn’t just some moment, one day out of my life that would pass and mean nothing. I needed this to be the starting point of a new journey. I changed into my pajamas, brushed my teeth for a good five minutes as I’m constantly worried about having stained teeth, and I crawled under the covers on the hotel bed. I passed out immediately, and I slept so hard that I barely remember dreaming. I think Jackson was in one of those dreams.

The alarm on my phone caused me to jolt up and almost fall out of the bed at 7 am. I got out of the bed quickly because of my excitement for the day, and I took a short hot shower with the little hotel shampoo, conditioner, and soap. I don’t know why I love those little things so much. I wrapped myself in the white fluffy hotel towel, another thing I love about hotels. I opened the door of the bathroom and felt a rush of cold coming from the room. I held my towel tighter around me and walked over to the closet where my interview outfit hung nicely and miraculously without wrinkles. I grabbed my underwear out my suitcase below and got dressed swiftly. I looked in the mirror and admired my wonderfully appropriate choice in dressing. I combed and dried my hair, put on make-up (something I usually never do), and strapped on my uncomfortable but stylish shoes. I headed down to the lobby to have coffee and a quick breakfast. There, sitting alone at a table with a coffee and bagel, was Jackson.

“Good morning!” he shouted. I was embarrassed. “Good morning, Jackson,” I greeted. “Are you stalking me? Because that would be kind of hot,” he joked. I laughed, still feeling embarrassed. I’m so bad at flirting. “You know, I might be,” I said awkwardly. “Come, sit down after you get your complimentary continental breakfast. Yum, cold bagels!” he said, smiling. “Okay,” I mumbled. I got my coffee and a plate of fruit, some type of sticky pastry, and something that was supposed to be sausage I think. I sat down with Jackson and took a sip of my coffee. I almost spit it on him. He just laughed. “I’m sorry, but this is not coffee. This is water with some dirt in it!” I said. We both laughed. I tried to eat my cold, disgusting breakfast while we talked about the hotel and what we wanted to do in Jacksonville. “Well, I have to go to my interview now,” I said. “Oh yeah, where is it, anyway?” he asked. “It’s at Bennett and Bailey law firm. I applied for the legal secretary position,” I replied. “Are you serious?” he asked. “Yes, what is wrong with that?” I asked, not sure if I should feel offended or not. “It’s just funny because I’m a lawyer. I have a friend who has an office on the same block as that one. He asked me if I wanted to work with him at his office here,” Jackson said enthusiastically. “There is so much irony with you, I just don’t even know if I believe it,” I said smiling. “Yes, it’s Franks and Johnson, but Johnson just left. So, I’m hoping to make it Franks and Jackson,” he explained. “Awesome. So what kind of lawyer are you?” I asked. “I mostly do family law-divorce, issues accompanying divorce, that sort of thing,” he replied. “Okay, cool. Yeah, Bennett and Bailey do litigation,” I replied. “Yes, they do. Well, good luck today. You look great, very professional but also kind of hot,” he said smoothly. My face was red, I just knew it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. I just tend to say whatever I’m thinking,” he said. I love it when people say what they’re thinking. That is how I am when I’m not trying so hard to just not throw up or trip over something. “Well, thank you, and I will see you later, I am sure,” I said, stammering. Then, I did trip over a plant. He winked at me, and I waved and ran out the door.

I drove to the law office, located in downtown Jacksonville. I parked as soon as I got into the town and decided to walk the rest of the way. The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, and the temperature was a perfect 82 degrees. My feet were throbbing with pain, but I still wanted to walk. Why didn’t I bring slip-ons to walk in? Oh, if only I was a more prepared and organized person. I passed by al fresco coffee shop, then a restaurant of the same type. There were some tourist stores with swimsuits and sundresses in the windows. I was definitely going to explore all of this after the interview. I breathed in the fresh Florida air and saw the sign straight ahead for Franks and Johnson. Well, maybe he didn’t make up his story. I passed by it and looked inside for a moment. There was nothing spectacular about it. I continued to walk, passing by more tourist shoppes and eateries. Then, I came to Bennett and Bailey. I took in a long breath and let it out slowly before I opened the door. I walked in and introduced myself to the receptionist, whom I was sure had to be Ashley. She had long, thick blonde hair, a big white smile, and a perfect little hourglass figure in her designer skirt suit. She held out her hand excitedly. “I’m so glad you could make it! Please have a seat,” she gestured to the seat in front of her. It was a tiny reception area, and I was guessing the office through the door wasn’t much bigger. “I just had good feeling about you after seeing your resume. I just knew Mr. Bennett and Mr. Bailey had to meet you and see if you were the one,” she said in her peppy voice. “The one?” I asked, a little scared now. “We are a very close family here. Mindy was the last secretary here. She had to leave us after being here for five years. It was rough,” Ashley said, suddenly downcast. “So, we’re looking for a new family member, and I’m hoping that you are the one!” she said suddenly chipper again. “Okay, well, I hope I am too,” I said, not able to muster up that much enthusiasm. She smiled and went back to typing.

“Desiree?” a deep voice called out from the other side as a large hand opened the door. “Yes sir,” I answered. “Come on in,” the deep voice ordered, leaving the door cracked. I looked over at Ashley. “Go on, get in there,” she whispered. I timidly and softly pushed open the door with my resume in my hand. “Good morning, how are you?” a much higher voice asked. There, sitting in two office chairs, were Bennett and Bailey. The large hand and booming voice belonged to Bennett. He was about 6’2, red-faced, built like a line-backer, and his hand felt like it would crush mine when he shook my hand. His hair was cut like an army soldier’s. Bailey, however, had that high-pitched voice, was about 5’5 in stature, skinny as a rail, and had a quick but light handshake. They were a strange pairing.

The interview is a blur. I’m not even going to try to recount the questions that were asked, but I do remember answering with long and intelligent responses. They both nodded their heads and smiled throughout the interview. I do remember the last question. “So, what made you decide to leave Tennessee and retail management to come to Florida to work at a law firm?” Bennett asked, then gave me an intimidating stare. “I am ready to find where I belong, and I did not belong there. Something tells me that I belong right here,” I answered truthfully and smoothly. He nodded and smiled widely. “I think someone thinks you belong here. Ashley said she had a good feeling about you,” Bailey added. I smiled. “So, I’m going to be honest with you, Desiree. We have interviewed ten other candidates. Ashley chooses the candidates for us, weeding through the ones that are definitely not worth looking into. She didn’t have that “feeling” about anyone else. I’m not one to solely base decisions on intuition, so I have done all of these interviews to see who has the best credentials as well as the right personality for the position. There were a couple of other candidates that we were considering because they have the right credentials. They have more experience than you. Of course, we put entry level on the job poster, so we weren’t looking for a large amount of experience. I think it is better actually to find a fresh lump of clay with the right potential to mold into what we need,” Bennett explained. I felt the beating wings of the butterflies throughout my gut.

I walked out of the office and looked at Ashley. She looked back at me with wide, curious eyes. I smiled widely and giggled. I don’t giggle. “Oh my gracious, welcome to the family! Eek! I’m so happy we are going to be complete now,” Ashley squealed. “Thank you. Now I need to try to find a place to live because I’m starting in a couple of weeks,” I replied. I was about to turn to to leave when Ashley shoved a stack of papers in my face. “Take these with you. These are listings near Jacksonville that aren’t terribly expensive. Good luck!” she said. Oh, I was definitely being graced with plenty of that now. The road through misery had finally ended, and I turned on the road to happiness.

 

September 30, 2012

Freak oUt

Filed under: angst,Blogging,life — desi83 @ 4:53 pm

I just got home from my last night at Walgreens. I was an assistant manager for five years in several different cities in middle Tennessee, because constant transferring for no good reason was one of the many annoyances of being an assistant manager there. I quit without an exact plan. My mom planned for me. I know that now. She planned for me to go back to school to be a special education teacher. Why? Because I already have a teaching degree, and it is easy to get grants for that particular speciality. Also, I had a couple of good experiences with teaching special education. That is not what I want to do. I don’t want to be a teacher. I do not want to be a retail manager. I can think of five thousand other careers that absolutely do not interest me. I am a creative spirit, and I fucking hate that. Why couldn’t I have been born to be an accountant, or a doctor, or yes, a teacher? Creativity does not pay the bills unless you just happen to meet someone who gives a damn about your creativity and realizes that you have what it takes to make everyone fall in love with your stupid little talents. Because right now that is what I have-stupid little talents, a stupid useless creative mind. I have no idea what to do with it. It only took a week for four rejection emails to come to me after sending out my query to agents who represent complete trash if you ask me. No, it’s not sour grapes, it’s that they represent what people want to read right now. No one wants to read harsh reality is what I was told recently. They want to read the love stories with the happy ending all tied up in a pretty little bow with simple language that they can quickly understand. It’s literature for people who don’t read so that they can call themselves readers. I refuse to compromise though. I once read that Charles Dickens wrote a second ending to Great Expectations because his audience complained that the first ending was too dismal. His second ending merely alluded to the possibility of a happy ending. He did not want to fully compromise either.

Anyway, I am going on a complete tangent here, and the truth is that I am having a nervous breakdown. I have no fucking clue what to do next, but there is this passion and desire in me that has no where to go. I cannot be stifled anymore. I need to figure out what to do, though, because as much as I know in my heart that I had to get out of that suffocating career, there is reality to face. I am about to be broke. I am going to be living with my mom who is going to be telling me what to do and trying to make life choices for me. I need to know what to do. I want to write! God I just want to write anything, any job that has anything to do with writing would be fine. Writing is the only thing I’ve ever done that I was proud of and that other people praised me for. I hope that you don’t judge my skills based on this particular post! I don’t even know where I want to be.  I hate Murfreesboro! I hate it so much. I think I may even hate Tennessee. I wonder what New York is like. That is where the creative minds go, right? Shit shit shit losing my damned mind. I have also been awake for almost twenty hours. I can’t sleep, though,  not like this. If anyone out there has any advice with more clout than ‘follow your dreams’ please give it to me. So far, all I have is  a plan to go on a camping/hiking trip with just my dog soon. I need to think away from all of this noise.

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