Cafe de Desiree

March 1, 2016

Home

Filed under: angst,career,dreams,life,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 12:18 am
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I may be rusty today. I have only been writing case studies, web content(for my 2nd job), lesson plans, and poetry for kindergarten students since October. I haven’t had time to breathe, much less write creatively. I don’t know why I stopped journaling (that’s not a word, SpellCheck? Hmmph). I have been reading a book that seems to never end…IQ84 by Haraku Murakami. Did I spell that right? I’ll look it up later. I wish I had more time to devote to it so that it wouldn’t take months to read. It’s funny though, because there is so much parallelism that I can’t forget what happened earlier in the book. Thank you, Murakami, for making that easy for me.

I would say that I am tired, but I don’t think that is the right word. I am on a journey, again, and God I hope I end up where I want to be next fall. I am teaching at this private school. I enjoy it for the most part, but the pay is not enough for my bills. I am looking at public schools, and the thought keeps recurring to me-I need out of here. I am going to apply to the Florida school system. It could be for a year, or a few years, who knows. I just really want to start over. I’ve felt for years that I am stuck. This year it felt more like I am preparing for something. I am about to finish my graduate program at Vanderbilt. I can’t believe I am even uttering those words. It was a fluke that happened because I am at this low budget private school (I love my kids, and the administration, just so you know). I was blessed to be given a grant to go there to earn my ESL certification. In other words, my resume will be much more attractive to schools this time around.

I feel like Holly Golightly-I haven’t unpacked everything because this isn’t home, this crappy one bedroom apartment on the rough side of town. I am ready to get to where I am supposed to go. I love so many people in my life, but I am ready to find new connections in a new place with a new job. And damn it, I want to have time to write. I want to only have one job! I want to be content, but not too content…more content than I am now, that is for sure.

I want to love what I do. I want to be in love, I want to be home. I want to feel like I’ve mostly gotten there, wherever there is.

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August 18, 2013

The Anxiety Monster

Filed under: angst — desi83 @ 4:58 pm
Tags: , , ,

Avett Brothers “Ill with Want”

Butterflies swarm inside of my chest, beating to escape the walls and burst out into the world, outside the confines of this limited existence. My chest tightens. A balloon forms, sucking all the air from my airway. My head begins to tingle, and my body shivers, but not from the cold. I am lying beside him, yet I feel like the bed is parting, and he’s drifting further and further away. Just breathe. It’s okay, just take slow breaths. Put your head between your knees. There is a blackness that threatens to steal me away in the night and drag me into the unknown abyss, so I ask him to hold me, protect me from the blackness. I can feel its grasp on my heart, tightening. I can feel its tugging on my body. So I ask him to hold me tighter. Tighter. I can’t breathe; that’s better. Just hold me and don’t let go. Don’t let the blackness pull me away. The butterflies seize their chaotic swarming, and my breathing slows down. The blackness will not steal me away. I am in control of this body and of this mind. Yet, sometimes I just need to hold onto something because my strength does fail me in these moments.

“Something has me, acting like someone I don’t want to be.” I know this song is actually about addiction, but certain lines really resinate with me. I can listen to these guys nonstop.

July 16, 2013

Fear Not

Filed under: angst,Blogging,dating,life — desi83 @ 12:22 am

I have been pondering lately on how much fear dominates my life, and I think I need to start pushing myself out of my tedious comfort zone. Why? Because lately I have been bored and finding myself spending time doing what I don’t really want to do out of boredom and out of convenience. It is sad how excited I was just to go to Nashville this past Saturday. I have been stuck in this town for way too long this year. My yearly beach trip did not happen. I have not gone to any summer festivities or concerts in Nashville so far. I drink with my friends and spend an exhorbent amount of time at home reading, watching mindless television, and spending too much time on facebook and online dating. Well, I’ve kind of gotten away from the later lately, but still. I need adventure in my life again. Also, I need to grow some figurative balls. So, here is a list of activities/goals/actions/advice that should do the trick.

1) Go on a road trip for a weekend before the sumer ends. Ask someone to go with me.
2) Stop averting my eyes and avoiding every attractive guy who looks at me. What the hell is wrong with me?

3) Write my damned book! I started it, and I shelved it. And I really liked it!

4) Do not whimp out and cancel (like I always do) the party I am invited to in Nashville in 2 weeks. It is okay to crash there.

5) Save money not just for school, but also for a beach trip. I don’t care if it is just over the weekend, buy a plane ticket and fucking go.

6) Stop wasting time on facebook. It is stupid.

7) Enjoy the moments, and don’t worry so much about the consequences. Not everything is meant to evolve into something everlasting, but if it does, just let it happen as it should. If it doesn’t, don’t have regrets, just enjoy the memory and take what you can out of it.

8) I don’t have to be everyone’s friend. If there is someone who is a poison to my life, I don’t have to be their friend just because everyone else likes them. Be cordial and try to talk to other people instead of that person, but don’t let that person deter me from being with my friends.
9) Don’t keep dating someone out of pity or boredom. If I decide I am not into someone, be honest and remember that it is not all the sudden going to magically improve. However, if I really like someone, I don’t have to wait around for them to call me. Just don’t stalk them or be “the crazy girl”. ha.
10) Go dancing way more often. Dance well, dance badly, just dance.

June 14, 2013

I am Not a Tree

Filed under: angst,life — desi83 @ 5:29 pm

I meet one of my co-workers and the opening manager in the parking lot at 6am. The three of us sleepily drag ourselves into the building with heavy eyes and a lagging pace. “Good morning. Are y’all awake yet?” Anne, the manager, asks with a smile. “Not really, I think I am sick,” Joanne answers. Joanne is an older, tired looking woman. She has the look of a woman who has worked too many long hours and put up with too many lousy men. I coughed, and Anne gave me a stern look. I laughed, “I’m good, just allergies, you know. I’m ready to work!” I said with a big grin. I hate this job, I thought. “What the hell do you mean that I’m not scheduled?” Joanne croaked. Anne looked at the schedule. “Oh, you are not scheduled today, but you were a no-call no-show yesterday,” Anne said mechanically. “What the hell?” Joanne asked. “You’re going to have to be written up for that,” Anne replied. “No one called me yesterday, and you all know that I have always been on time and never miss work,” Joanne explained. “Well, you just have to pay attention to your schedule,” Anne replied without emotion. I walked to the back and began my project. “Oh, before you start working, I need the floor mopped here in the hallway,” Anne directed me. “Joanne has the mop right now,” I replied. “There isn’t another one?” Anne asked. “No,” I answered, wondering how she didn’t know her own store. “Well, go get it from her then,” she replied. I walked into the bathroom and noticed that the trash was over flowing and the toilets were gross. “Ugh, the bathrooms haven’t been cleaned in days,” I complained. “Oh, well go ahead and do those, then,” Anne suggested. Ugh, my stupid mouth. I had four hours to complete a project that really needed eight to be done correctly. Already an hour was stolen from me because Anne liked to use me to show off her power. I finally began my project when I was interrupted by a kind but obnoxious voice. “Hi, ma’am, how are you today?” a nicely dressed lady greeted me. I was okay until you interrupted me, I thought. “Hi, what can I do for you?” I asked. I just knew this would be time consuming. “I would like that patio furniture set right there. Do you have all of the pieces somewhere in the back?” she asked. “I believe this is all that we have out here. We just sold the four chairs that go with it. I have only been here for a week, though,” I feebly replied. “Oh, I’m sorry, hon,” she sympathized still staring at me with anticipation.  I rolled my eyes when I turned away from her to go ask my manager.

The next morning, I was scheduled to work at 4 am. I went to my friends’ house the night prior and told them I couldn’t stay because I had to wake up at 3 am the next morning to do manual labor and mental labor; I was tasked with re-merchandising half of the store. “You have a college degree. Fuck that job,” Kim said bluntly. I shrugged. “You’re right. Fuck that job. I will never be a retail slave again. I have second interview at the VA this week, anyway,” I conceded. I didn’t go to work the next morning. This was difficult morally, because I believe in ethics and hard work. However, I’m being used to do management type work for minimum wage pay because I am highly over qualified; I have a college degree and five years of retail management experience, and I temporarily had to work a part time “cashier” job that turned into something more complicated . Sometimes you have to suffer temporarily, but I just can’t do it anymore.

I don’t want to be Joanne. I don’t want to be in a dead end job when I’m too old to turn it all around. I started working at the VA, and I earned more education credits so that I could return to teaching. If you don’t like your current situation, change it. You are not a tree, so if you don’t like where you are, MOVE.

March 23, 2013

30

Filed under: angst,Blogging,dating,life,relationships — desi83 @ 2:34 am

“You are too pretty to not be married. You’re not even engaged yet?” “Do you have kids? Really, why not?” Yes, these are questions/comments that I’ve gotten from well-meaning older ladies at the schools where I’ve taught recently. Five years ago it was more like “Oh, you have plenty of time, there is no rush,” or “You don’t want to settle down too soon”. Now it’s like, hey, you’re headed towards spinsterhood, get a move on. I’ve also noticed that if a person near my age is divorced, people understand that more than my being single. Even with shows like Friends, Happy Endings, New Girl, and a plethora of other shows about 30 somethings being single, the attitude is still the same. It’s time to get married and have children before your looks go and your eggs dry up. Actually, CiCi in New Girl did have that pressure and is now engaged because, in her Indian culture, it was time for her to meet and marry a suitable Indian man chosen by her parents. I got the impression that she was only into it because it was what was expected. Of course, that is another issue, and luckily my family doesn’t put a lot of pressure and expectations on me when it comes to marriage and kids. Every now and then they’ll complain about how I never date anyone they like, but that’s as far as it really goes. It’s mostly that I am feeling societal pressure, as well as pressure from every guy I’ve dated since being in my late 20s.
friends

I don’t remember the last time I dated a guy without the expectation that the relationship could end up in marriage. Sheesh, talk about pressure. I wish I could just enjoy dating someone and getting to know them without talking about our future child’s name or where we want to live. We’ve only been dating for a few months, I don’t even know if I like everything about your personality yet! I admit, though, that I do get wrapped up in the idea at first. I think, well, I need to eventually get married anyway, and this guy wants to marry me, and he has a lot of good qualities and likes to take me to do fun things, so why not? But then I find some annoying habit he has and I realize, wow, we still have a lot to learn about each other before we can even fathom spending a lifetime together. Phew, yeah, this is a bit jumbled, I have a lot on my mind.

I’m going to Las Vegas for my 30th birthday, but there will be no eloping this weekend. I’m going to have fun with my guy, and I’m living in the present while I do it. We’ve literally had fights about hypothetical situations that would happen possibly if we were married. Then I got angry toward the end of the argument because I realized how preposterous the whole discussion was. I’m taking the shades of possibility off of my face for now so that I can just be in the present with him and get to know him much more thoroughly. Because sometimes I think I’d like to just live with my dogs and be done with it. Maybe I could find another loner who likes to just get together every couple of weeks and relieve our need for human companionship-I’m talking about playing a good old fashioned game of Jenga, get your mind out of the gutter;)

September 30, 2012

Freak oUt

Filed under: angst,Blogging,life — desi83 @ 4:53 pm

I just got home from my last night at Walgreens. I was an assistant manager for five years in several different cities in middle Tennessee, because constant transferring for no good reason was one of the many annoyances of being an assistant manager there. I quit without an exact plan. My mom planned for me. I know that now. She planned for me to go back to school to be a special education teacher. Why? Because I already have a teaching degree, and it is easy to get grants for that particular speciality. Also, I had a couple of good experiences with teaching special education. That is not what I want to do. I don’t want to be a teacher. I do not want to be a retail manager. I can think of five thousand other careers that absolutely do not interest me. I am a creative spirit, and I fucking hate that. Why couldn’t I have been born to be an accountant, or a doctor, or yes, a teacher? Creativity does not pay the bills unless you just happen to meet someone who gives a damn about your creativity and realizes that you have what it takes to make everyone fall in love with your stupid little talents. Because right now that is what I have-stupid little talents, a stupid useless creative mind. I have no idea what to do with it. It only took a week for four rejection emails to come to me after sending out my query to agents who represent complete trash if you ask me. No, it’s not sour grapes, it’s that they represent what people want to read right now. No one wants to read harsh reality is what I was told recently. They want to read the love stories with the happy ending all tied up in a pretty little bow with simple language that they can quickly understand. It’s literature for people who don’t read so that they can call themselves readers. I refuse to compromise though. I once read that Charles Dickens wrote a second ending to Great Expectations because his audience complained that the first ending was too dismal. His second ending merely alluded to the possibility of a happy ending. He did not want to fully compromise either.

Anyway, I am going on a complete tangent here, and the truth is that I am having a nervous breakdown. I have no fucking clue what to do next, but there is this passion and desire in me that has no where to go. I cannot be stifled anymore. I need to figure out what to do, though, because as much as I know in my heart that I had to get out of that suffocating career, there is reality to face. I am about to be broke. I am going to be living with my mom who is going to be telling me what to do and trying to make life choices for me. I need to know what to do. I want to write! God I just want to write anything, any job that has anything to do with writing would be fine. Writing is the only thing I’ve ever done that I was proud of and that other people praised me for. I hope that you don’t judge my skills based on this particular post! I don’t even know where I want to be.  I hate Murfreesboro! I hate it so much. I think I may even hate Tennessee. I wonder what New York is like. That is where the creative minds go, right? Shit shit shit losing my damned mind. I have also been awake for almost twenty hours. I can’t sleep, though,  not like this. If anyone out there has any advice with more clout than ‘follow your dreams’ please give it to me. So far, all I have is  a plan to go on a camping/hiking trip with just my dog soon. I need to think away from all of this noise.

March 23, 2012

Broken

Filed under: angst,Blogging,relationships — desi83 @ 5:35 am

My wedding dress hangs in my closet, hidden from the world. My veil sits on my dresser, mocking me. The “Us” album that he created for me lays on my floor with clothes covering it from my sight. The ring is a ghost that I keep feeling on my finger on my left hand. I chose to walk away, and I do not regret it. I do regret letting it get that far. I regret most of my life decisions. At least this time I did stop a decision before it came into fruition. It could’ve been worse; it could’ve been a divorce years down the road. It still hurts because even though I chose to walk away and am glad that I did, I still broke off an engagement. I thought, at one point in time, that I was going to marry this man. I thought I wanted to be with him forever. Hurting someone, breaking someone else’s heart, hurts. I can’t just walk away and go on as if it was just a bump in the road of life. My heart feels cold, and my mind is cloudy. I am an empty shell right now, going through the motions. But who mourns the wicked? I don’t have the right to feel this way I guess. I am the one who broke someone else’s heart without a good explanation. How do you explain it? How do you make that person understand? My feelings changed, and I realized that I couldn’t see myself with him forever. Why not? What changed my mind?

I learned a few lessons from this that I should’ve learned long ago. When I meet someone, if he has any qualities that are deal-breakers, I cannot change them. Eventually those deal-breakers weigh on me to the point that I cannot bare them because they do not change. Also, falling in love by the third date is not realistic. Rushing into love always ends in heartbreak and despair. I also learned that it is okay to be single at 30. I am not yet 30, but I will be 29 in a couple of days, so I will most likely be single when I’m 30 unless Taye Diggs gets a divorce and knocks on my door. In all seriousness, yes, I’m an old spinster by some accounts. But I’m okay with that now. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. Lastly, I have a lot of issues that I need to work on before I can make someone else happy or be happy with that person. I need to self-improve before I can let anyone else in. As soon as I get out of this slump that consists of having anxiety attacks that are subdued by consuming a bottle of wine each time, I am going to build a better me. This is the Better Woman Project in honor of the Better Man Project blog;) I’ll come up with my own title as to not steal someone else’s idea. I know there is potential, I know there is a great person somewhere in here. I just have to find her.

November 28, 2011

I will NOT be weakened by a Stupid Emotion!

Filed under: angst — desi83 @ 7:07 am

I am an angry person. I curse and slam my steering wheel while stuck in traffic on my way to work. I don’t get angry with myself for leaving late. I get angry at the fact that it wouldn’t take 45 minutes to get to work if everyone would just move faster and the lights would all stay green for me. I get angry at work when I am called away from my task to deal with a customer’s problem. I forget my main reason for being there-customer service. I get angry at my mom for her pushy, uninvited advice on my life. I forget that she can’t keep her mouth shut because she cares about me too much to not say something. I actually get angry with her and yell at her for trying to control my life. And yet, I look back at how many times she has been right. That is what makes me angry. She causes me to doubt myself, and I don’t want to do that. I get angry at the weather when it is raining or snowing outside because I have to drive on dangerous roads because I live so far from work. However, I chose to work there four and a half years ago knowing that I would have to travel some distance to get there. I get angry that I can’t get published, yet I have only attempted five agents, and only one sent me a rejection letter. No one else even responded. Yet, most authors send their queries and/or manuscripts to hundreds of agents and/or publishers before anything happens. Anger is a weakness of mine that I have been fighting for a long time. I am changing my strategy for the first time in my life. I have always looked at my temper as a mental disability, an enemy inside of me that takes over my mind and body when I’m provoked. Like the Hulk, I transform into a monster that I don’t recognize. Sometimes it just comes and goes quickly such as when I have snapped at people at work. Yet sometimes it completely takes over me, and I find myself screaming at someone close to me and throwing inanimate objects. It is a weakness, however, and only I can control it and subdue it. Running is one way that I deal with the stress that leads to the monster coming out of me. When I run, I put my stress into it. I run it out in a sense. After a good, hard run, I never feel stressed or angry. I always feel rejuvenated and transformed into someone who is calm and accomplished afterward. Writing is another way that I deal with anger. Sometimes I just need to scream at someone about how upset I am, but I don’t want to scare anyone. So, I write all of my negative thoughts on paper until at last, I have released my frustration. Breathing is the way I deal with anger during a situation, such as when I’m dealing with a particularly difficult customer (no, Dr. Pepper is NOT made by Coca-Cola, so this coupon won’t work. I don’t CARE if your son used to work for Coca-Cola. It’s not going to work!!). Either way, it is a battle that I will win because I will not allow myself to be weakened by anything, least of all a stupid emotion.

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