Cafe de Desiree

January 13, 2014

Blank Canvas

Filed under: life,relationships — desi83 @ 7:13 pm
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This is (hopefully) my last semester in college. I earned my B.A. in English in 2006. I don’t want to put into writing exactly how many years ago that was. Since then, I have held several jobs that I hated too much to turn into actual careers. I have been in too many relationships that taught me a lot of lessons, sometimes more than once, and left me feeling beaten and battered. I have pretty much lost my faith in romantic relationships for myself, but I have been a witness to countless engagements, marriages, and births amongst my group of friends. I just haven’t been able to find my path, and I keep trying to force myself to accept what is not right for me because I feel like I have to accept what is available to me. I’m just not a very patient person. I took a year to spend exploring career ideas without the pressure of having to work to pay bills. I lived with my parents for a year, and I was a substitute teacher. I would’ve gotten paid just as much flipping burgers, sadly. I did it to really explore teaching as a possible career, and I was able to try out different grade levels. I actually loved it most days, especially when I was in the elementary schools. I can use my creativity, I can connect with kids and be a positive influence on their lives, and I can feel the excitement as their brains soak up knowledge like little sponges! This summer, I will be certified k-12 (highly qualified in English 7-12). I feel like this is my opportunity to start over. I have no ties to this place anymore. I have friends and my parents, but they are not binding me here. I am going to choose a few locations in other cities, and possibly other states. I need to be in a new place, even if just for a little while. I love the mountains and the beach, and I feel like the Southeast is my home, so that narrows it down a bit. I want to visit places outside of my “home”, but for my first move away from my hometown of middle Tennessee, I don’t want to go so far that I can’t visit pretty regularly. It is comforting to know that I have this opportunity and freedom to go wherever I want. I am not bound, and I will never settle for less than what I deserve, what makes me happy. This is my blank canvas, and I can paint whatever I want with the colors I choose.

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January 12, 2014

The Chase

Filed under: dating,life,poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 2:57 am

This is another inspired by another doomed love of mine

The Chase

She flies above your head just out of reach

You extend your arms and strain your neck

She’s now a star in the sky, you’re a grain on the beach

Still staring above, you decide to follow, steady and quick

 

You run through the crowd never noticing a face

You step over smiles, laughter, tears, and experience

You long for the promise of her beauty and grace

Never taking your weary eyes off her vaguely seen presence

 

Suddenly she flutters down to your outstretched hands

Her feathers brush against your beckoning fingers

You try to stretch your height to grasp her body

She continues to taunt you with hope as she lingers

 

You promise to love her and never leave her sobbing

She cautiously descends to your hungry grasp

You tighten your grip on her small fragile body

You don’t hear her terrified screams, perhaps?

 

“You’re squeezing me too tightly!” she screams

“I can’t breathe,” she cries as she gasps

“Let me go,” she utters as she quickly dies

You feel the warmth leave your loosening grasp

You collapse, and your tears begin to float her away

What you spent your life chasing, you destroyed

in your selfish need to possess your wayward prey

you’re now left in a lonely self-made void

 

This scene around you is not something you recognize

You’ve been staring up too long to see in front of you

The heartbreak you feel is enough to paralyze

But you decide to finally join the scene that’s in view

 

You wasted your time chasing something precious

But you turned it into something quite odious

Now you live your life filling the void with trifles

As a robot in the crowd, you focus on mere survival

 

As you wander through the busy blurry street

A light beckons you toward a dream thought obsolete

You follow eagerly seeing clearly what is before you

Then you stop because you know it is futile to pursue

 

She stops to watch you watch her from a distance

She timidly floats to your slumping figure

No longer in fear, she lets go of her resistance

Not possessing her, you’ve gained something bigger!

January 7, 2014

An Open-Wounded Heart

Filed under: dating,poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 6:36 pm
Tags: , ,

An Open-Wounded Heart
My heart has hardened from scars of yesterday
It no longer beats to a happy melody
You speak in verse and offer your arms to try and sway
With you it wasn’t abuse or infidelity

It was being left to wonder what I did wrong
So I tolerated those punishments from others
While my heart thumped to the beat of a lonely song
That sparkle in my eyes faded as my hope withered

And I learned to be friends with a lady called Lonely
She stayed with me during those long, sleepless nights
She generously wrapped her darkness around me
Love’s been a distant memory that’s out of my sight

Now I glimpse a flicker of light that beckons me back
I have to wonder if backwards is the right way
The hardened shell around my heart begins to crack
I welcome the pain of it, come what may

The past has left me in a pile of dust and rubble
Love and hope, destroyed and replaced by consternation
Have begun to rise again, and my doubt crumbles
I slowly open the door in anticipation

to invite you back into my body and soul
Please don’t re-open the wounds of my battered heart
Help me rediscover the faith that heartbreak stole
With you on this path with me, I go back to the start

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