Cafe de Desiree

August 18, 2013

The Anxiety Monster

Filed under: angst — desi83 @ 4:58 pm
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Avett Brothers “Ill with Want”

Butterflies swarm inside of my chest, beating to escape the walls and burst out into the world, outside the confines of this limited existence. My chest tightens. A balloon forms, sucking all the air from my airway. My head begins to tingle, and my body shivers, but not from the cold. I am lying beside him, yet I feel like the bed is parting, and he’s drifting further and further away. Just breathe. It’s okay, just take slow breaths. Put your head between your knees. There is a blackness that threatens to steal me away in the night and drag me into the unknown abyss, so I ask him to hold me, protect me from the blackness. I can feel its grasp on my heart, tightening. I can feel its tugging on my body. So I ask him to hold me tighter. Tighter. I can’t breathe; that’s better. Just hold me and don’t let go. Don’t let the blackness pull me away. The butterflies seize their chaotic swarming, and my breathing slows down. The blackness will not steal me away. I am in control of this body and of this mind. Yet, sometimes I just need to hold onto something because my strength does fail me in these moments.

“Something has me, acting like someone I don’t want to be.” I know this song is actually about addiction, but certain lines really resinate with me. I can listen to these guys nonstop.


August 11, 2013

Love, Life’s Greatest and Most Infectious Creature

Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 4:39 am

The Greatest and Most Infectious Creature

Love is the poison that infects us all. It is a beautiful creature that summons you with euphoria, but then it paralyses you with pain and regret. It weakens warriors and turns virgins into whores. Love gets into your veins and runs straight to your heart, squeezing it until it cracks. Then you spend your whole life trying to fill those cracks with meaningless affection from others who are just trying to do the same. So we walk this Earth with open hearts that continue to bleed until there is nothing left. We sacrifice each other’s lives trying to repair the damage that others have caused, and so the domino effect takes place. Because once you have known real love and lost it, you spend your whole life trying to replace it. It’s like a drug addict always trying to chase that first high. You will never get that euphoria again, but you can’t stop hunting for it. You don’t care if you step on others trying to find it, and for brief moments, you fill the emptiness that you’ve had deep in your heart since that first taste, but then it drains out again leaving your heart even more open. That is why it is better to have never loved than to have loved and lost. We, scared and stupid humans, turn the beautiful gift of Love into something crippling and dangerous.

So I give you now this admonition. If ever Love takes hold of your heart, and it is a bond that is equally shared, do not turn your back on it. Do not run in fear, because you will never find anything richer than Love. Let Love wrap its arms around you and warm your heart for the rest of your life. Do not turn this beautiful gift into a poison that will infect your remaining days. Cherish it and thank God for this rare gift that will fill your heart to the brim, and know that you do not need anything else. You may never find it again if you walk away from it. Do not accept an imposter posing as Love, because it will only widen the cracks even further until there is nothing left but the ghost of yourself. Love, real Love, rarely touches our hearts, and if you don’t accept her, she doesn’t feel the need to return to you again.

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