Cafe de Desiree

July 30, 2013

Alternate reality and Self Discovery

Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 4:30 am
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Lately…well, actually, since I left my management career in September 2012, I feel as though I am living in an alternate reality. I’m not here, but I am not totally separated from here. I am in a dream looking at everyone else’s reality around me. People are living their lives, some of them are even where they are supposed to be. I was in a misery of my own making for 5 years, so I suppose that I have gone into hiding since I escaped. Living with my parents and figuring out what to do next has been a slower process than intended, but I was a little gun shy. I am now working a job that pays well but is quite mindless. It is the first step, though. I am headed to school this fall to earn my elementary education certification, and I am working on my English as a second language curriculum at the speed of a turtle with two broken legs. However, I will have it finished soon, so I could go anywhere and teach anyone English as a second language. So, then, where am I going exactly? I don’t fit here. I have never really felt right anywhere. I am restless and bored with my surroundings! So the plan…I’m going to finish school this year and continue hiding out at my parents’ house while saving as much money as possible. As soon as I finish school, I am going to travel. I am going to discover new places, even if it is just quick weekend trips since I’ll still have to work. I am going to either find a new place or at least fulfill this need to see outside of this tiny little piece of the world where I live. I am not meant to be stationary. I think that has been an issue with me as far as dating as well. I have had difficulty finding someone who I am in sync with, so I have just settled oftentimes for someone who seemed good enough at the time. I never thought I was that different from anyone else, but it has been amazingly tough to find someone who gets me. And it doesn’t help that I have had trouble “getting me” too! Sure, I am 30, but I don’t think it is my time to find a husband and have babies like everyone else does at this point. I think I need the next couple of years to discover something bigger than that. Although I do hope that one day, and hopefully before wrinkles begin to show, that I will find someone to discover the world with me.

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July 23, 2013

a scene from my imagination

Filed under: dreams,fiction,story — desi83 @ 11:33 pm

An idea for a character that just popped in my head while bored at work…

A cigarette in her manicured hand, she crosses her long slender legs and dangles a black pump from her left foot. Her long blond hair drapes her back and shoulders in delicate waves. Her black satin dress plunges down revealing some of her small, round breasts and ends a few inches above her knees, so much of her creamy white skin is revealed. Upon first glance, she can’t be a day older than eighteen. Then if you look into her eyes, you see a woman much older than the years that she’s spent her on Earth. You see her wisdom, her jadedness, the pain that she felt but buried long ago, and a certain amount of suspicion about whomever crosses her path nowadays. She smiles a knowing smile. She knows why you are here looking at her, and she can see that you aren’t looking at her face. She knows what you are thinking when you look at her from her lips to her legs. She laughs quietly and waits to see how the scene will play out. She takes a long drag on her cigarette, the disgusting thing that she knows might kill her one day. Years ago she decided that life drags on for too many years with too much pain and nonsense to give up what makes it more tolerable, whatever the consequences. She fills her lungs up and exhales in satisfaction. She waits for you, already predicting how this will end. She stopped having expectations for this sort of situation years ago, when she really was a girl of about eighteen. She lives for the moment, the instant gratification, the excitement that she occasionally experiences that slowly fades into regret that she sweeps away into the hidden crevices of her memory. Along with those indiscretions lies the memories of a father whose fast living and bad habits took him to an early grave when she needed a father most. Then there is the boy. Sometimes she thinks of him…an embrace, a kiss, a promise, a fight… and her tired eyes fill with tears. It was a long time ago, she thinks. It doesn’t matter because it isn’t relevant anymore. She had her chance, and she lost it. This is life now: living fast, playing hard, and feeling good from temporary fixes. You tell her that she is beautiful, and she smirks. She’s heard it before. You tell her that she is different from all those other girls. She’s smarter, funnier, sexier. She laughs. Like that means anything, these empty words. She kisses you softly but intensely, so you begin to imagine her in your arms, naked, wanting you. She stops you and gazes at you with sadness in her deep blue eyes. It isn’t love, she says, and it never will be, will it? She chases whiskey with water and winces. “I’ve never made love sober before.”

July 16, 2013

Fear Not

Filed under: angst,Blogging,dating,life — desi83 @ 12:22 am

I have been pondering lately on how much fear dominates my life, and I think I need to start pushing myself out of my tedious comfort zone. Why? Because lately I have been bored and finding myself spending time doing what I don’t really want to do out of boredom and out of convenience. It is sad how excited I was just to go to Nashville this past Saturday. I have been stuck in this town for way too long this year. My yearly beach trip did not happen. I have not gone to any summer festivities or concerts in Nashville so far. I drink with my friends and spend an exhorbent amount of time at home reading, watching mindless television, and spending too much time on facebook and online dating. Well, I’ve kind of gotten away from the later lately, but still. I need adventure in my life again. Also, I need to grow some figurative balls. So, here is a list of activities/goals/actions/advice that should do the trick.

1) Go on a road trip for a weekend before the sumer ends. Ask someone to go with me.
2) Stop averting my eyes and avoiding every attractive guy who looks at me. What the hell is wrong with me?

3) Write my damned book! I started it, and I shelved it. And I really liked it!

4) Do not whimp out and cancel (like I always do) the party I am invited to in Nashville in 2 weeks. It is okay to crash there.

5) Save money not just for school, but also for a beach trip. I don’t care if it is just over the weekend, buy a plane ticket and fucking go.

6) Stop wasting time on facebook. It is stupid.

7) Enjoy the moments, and don’t worry so much about the consequences. Not everything is meant to evolve into something everlasting, but if it does, just let it happen as it should. If it doesn’t, don’t have regrets, just enjoy the memory and take what you can out of it.

8) I don’t have to be everyone’s friend. If there is someone who is a poison to my life, I don’t have to be their friend just because everyone else likes them. Be cordial and try to talk to other people instead of that person, but don’t let that person deter me from being with my friends.
9) Don’t keep dating someone out of pity or boredom. If I decide I am not into someone, be honest and remember that it is not all the sudden going to magically improve. However, if I really like someone, I don’t have to wait around for them to call me. Just don’t stalk them or be “the crazy girl”. ha.
10) Go dancing way more often. Dance well, dance badly, just dance.

July 10, 2013

An old forgotten poem

Filed under: dating,poetry,Uncategorized — desi83 @ 2:46 am
Tags: , , , ,

Wow, I just found this in my documents. I wrote this years ago! It cracked me up because it sounds like a country song…

Tight White T-Shirt

Your tight white tshirt and your Levi’s jeans

made me blush and weaken at the knees

It’s you right now that I want to please

That day we spent keeps playing in scenes

 

In my head, in my head, is only you

I want your berry chapsticked lips so much I can taste it

I kind of want these thoughts of you to quit

but I want you all the time now, I do, I do

 

We walked together on that rocky trail

I couldn’t help but stare at you walking in front of me

and being there with you made me see

I could never give up no matter how much I fail

 

The sun beat down on us leaving beads of sweat

cooling our brown summer skin

the creek fed by waterfalls was a welcome friend

and I couldn’t wait to see that tshirt wet

 

Love has come and gone, and I know it’ll come again

because of the way you looked at me that day

while together wearing nothing we lay

I fell for you so hard, I never wanted it to end

 

Now the anticipation builds up for me

I’m hoping to have more carpe diem days like that with you

For I’d just die right now if I knew we were through

One day was all it took for me to see, see, see

 

Your tshirt was left lying in a pile on my floor

and when I lifted it, that intoxicating smell of you

filled my nostrils with memories of us two

My mind is turning flips with thoughts until it’s sore

 

 

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