Cafe de Desiree

October 7, 2012

Wish this could be a happier blog…

Filed under: life,relationships — desi83 @ 6:13 am

Being unemployed has been kind of awful, and not even for financial reasons. I haven’t run out of money yet. It’s just very difficult for me to function without a schedule. When I don’t absolutely have to be anywhere, there’s no reason to go to bed at a reasonable hour. There’s no reason to get up in the a.m. I don’t have a real plan when I do get up, and when someone needs something or wants to hang out, I do it because I have all of this time. This is what I wanted for so long-free time. Now, my only purpose is to be there when someone needs me for something. I’m there to listen, because God knows I don’t want to talk about myself. I went to a concert the other night. A concert! It used to be that I never had time for such a thing. There have been dozens of concerts that I have missed because of work. I went, and I had a good time dancing to the music with some friends around me that I don’t see all that often. Trampled by Turtles played their modern style of bluegrass pop or whatever you want to call it. It was great. Everyone was stomping their feet, slapping their thighs, and dancing with their elbows out. It should have been a freeing moment for me. It was in a way. But my brain is always in this fog. I never am a hundred percent sure that I really am here, existing. I always know in the back of my mind that I don’t belong here. But I tried to enjoy it anyway. The air was cool and dry, the music was fun and bursting with all of these different sounds. Everyone around me was happy and enjoying the moment. Then, I met another friend there who was with some people I don’t know very well. One of the girls, whom I think he might be sort of dating, asked me what I do. I said, “nothing,” because that is the truth. Then I gave my generic explanation: quit crappy retail job and going back to school to teach. Ugh.

Then last night, I hung out with a friend I don’t see that often and her husband. They’re buying their first house in another city. She’s expecting their first child after the doctors said she may not be able to conceive. They’re both nurses who love their jobs and have pretty good salaries. They are living their life together, and it is full of happiness with so much more to come. I am so delighted to see that her dreams have come true. I never saw her as the marrying type, and certainly not the type to want a baby. Yet, that nurturing and self-less part of her personality has continually grown bigger and bigger as she’s gotten older. I am happy to see that she is having a good life.

I was telling my mom about my friend and her good fortune, and she reminded me that the pressure is on for me to find a good man with a good job like all my friends. It is true-they’re all either almost married or are married to wonderful, successful men. I don’t know where I belong, and I would like to find a way to explore other places and try new things, but right now I am having to figure out a way to survive. What job can I get that won’t make me want to shoot myself every day? Retail management drained every bit of creativity and sense of pride that I ever had in myself. So, for now, I guess I will try teaching again, and maybe I can find a way to do writing on the side. Because the fact is, I cannot function without a schedule. I need stability, and I have not had much of that since college. Tomorrow is another day, and next week is another week, and all of these days are just wasted.

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