Cafe de Desiree

September 30, 2012

Freak oUt

Filed under: angst,Blogging,life — desi83 @ 4:53 pm

I just got home from my last night at Walgreens. I was an assistant manager for five years in several different cities in middle Tennessee, because constant transferring for no good reason was one of the many annoyances of being an assistant manager there. I quit without an exact plan. My mom planned for me. I know that now. She planned for me to go back to school to be a special education teacher. Why? Because I already have a teaching degree, and it is easy to get grants for that particular speciality. Also, I had a couple of good experiences with teaching special education. That is not what I want to do. I don’t want to be a teacher. I do not want to be a retail manager. I can think of five thousand other careers that absolutely do not interest me. I am a creative spirit, and I fucking hate that. Why couldn’t I have been born to be an accountant, or a doctor, or yes, a teacher? Creativity does not pay the bills unless you just happen to meet someone who gives a damn about your creativity and realizes that you have what it takes to make everyone fall in love with your stupid little talents. Because right now that is what I have-stupid little talents, a stupid useless creative mind. I have no idea what to do with it. It only took a week for four rejection emails to come to me after sending out my query to agents who represent complete trash if you ask me. No, it’s not sour grapes, it’s that they represent what people want to read right now. No one wants to read harsh reality is what I was told recently. They want to read the love stories with the happy ending all tied up in a pretty little bow with simple language that they can quickly understand. It’s literature for people who don’t read so that they can call themselves readers. I refuse to compromise though. I once read that Charles Dickens wrote a second ending to Great Expectations because his audience complained that the first ending was too dismal. His second ending merely alluded to the possibility of a happy ending. He did not want to fully compromise either.

Anyway, I am going on a complete tangent here, and the truth is that I am having a nervous breakdown. I have no fucking clue what to do next, but there is this passion and desire in me that has no where to go. I cannot be stifled anymore. I need to figure out what to do, though, because as much as I know in my heart that I had to get out of that suffocating career, there is reality to face. I am about to be broke. I am going to be living with my mom who is going to be telling me what to do and trying to make life choices for me. I need to know what to do. I want to write! God I just want to write anything, any job that has anything to do with writing would be fine. Writing is the only thing I’ve ever done that I was proud of and that other people praised me for. I hope that you don’t judge my skills based on this particular post! I don’t even know where I want to be.  I hate Murfreesboro! I hate it so much. I think I may even hate Tennessee. I wonder what New York is like. That is where the creative minds go, right? Shit shit shit losing my damned mind. I have also been awake for almost twenty hours. I can’t sleep, though,  not like this. If anyone out there has any advice with more clout than ‘follow your dreams’ please give it to me. So far, all I have is  a plan to go on a camping/hiking trip with just my dog soon. I need to think away from all of this noise.

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