Cafe de Desiree

September 21, 2012

Be grateful for the moments, for they shall soon pass

Filed under: Blogging,life,poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 7:16 am

Okay, I just inadvertently hurt my best friend’s feelings for like the millionth time because of my stupid mouth. I’m so glad that she didn’t ditch me years ago. I complained publicly about how this week has been a bust, and I had just hung out with her earlier in the day. Her taking offence to my stupid ignorant statement made me realize a seriously bad habit I’ve developed over the years. I focus on the negative ALL THE TIME. I forget to appreciate the positive, I forget to be grateful to people. I just see what has gone wrong or just didn’t go the way I wished it would. It’s like the part of my brain that focuses on the positive somehow stopped working. The thing is, the big picture is not looking so good right now. So, standing back, I have a hard time noticing the details that are quite lovely. I was just telling a friend of mine, well, someone who is sometimes more than a friend but he’s as screwed up as I am, that my motto right now is Carpe Diem. It’s my new philosophy. Well, that was a bunch of bullshit. Because even with him, we have had such lovely moments over the years, and the truth is, neither of us could handle a relationship right now until we get ourselves together. We’ve had these lovely moments, intensely memorable experiences, but mostly I just get sad that there can’t be more. For what? So I could just mess it up and add him to the list of tried and failed relationships? I don’t want to be with him, but I get sad that I can’t be with him. I really am afraid of happiness. I guess I’m lucky that he is as well. Oh God I hope he never reads this. I got off topic a bit. The point is, I need to stop being sad about not having things that I don’t even know that I want and just appreciate what few lovely unforgettable moments that I am graced with in this life.

I held a baby today, my best friend’s little boy. He felt so good in my arms, and I melted when I watched him smile at me as I raised him in the air and bounced him softly on my knees. I could have sat all day with that little miracle. He was a surprise, actually, supposed to have been born later when the other kids were older and the mother’s health was better. Yet, he’s been such a freaking blessing, and I think he was born at exactly the right time. They now have their complete family, and it is something beautiful. The truth is, I got a bit sad while I was looking into his  little wonderous eyes. Would I ever have one of these of my own? Would I even be able to handle one of these? Maybe it’s best to just borrow him every now and then.

While I dig through the confusing paperwork in my brain to try to figure out what path I’m supposed to be taking, I know that I need to cherish the moments and stop being depressed about things that don’t work out, because they’re not supposed to work out. I need to go into the silence and ask, why am I here, what I am to do? The truth is, the only thing that has ever felt right to me is writing. I have always just been able to sit down and do it, and it feels like breathing to me. Just about everything else I try feels a bit wrong. Yet, how many people in this life make a living off their art? Not too many. As for my love life, I need to find someone like me, because no one else could understand or deal with me. I need someone else who is a tortured artist of some sort who is blunt and speaks before thinking so that we can’t get mad at each other-because we both do it. I need someone who will jump on a plane with me or climb a mountain when I start to feel crazy and need to get away. I need someone who will dance with me and not just sit on the bench. I need someone to make me laugh because my God, I’m so tired of all the seriousness. Also, someone who likes this kind of sad beautiful music that I listen to. Sigh. Until then, I’m going to try to seize the day. John Keats shows us on his Grecian Urn how happy the world would be if frozen in the beginning of the loveliest moments because we never experience the disappointment of the moments’ passing. This can’t be, so we just have to remember the feeling we had in those frozen moments, and know that the disappointment will fade.

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