Cafe de Desiree

September 20, 2012

On the Edge of Happiness

Filed under: Blogging,life,relationships — desi83 @ 5:49 am

Well, I took a risk finally after living like a scared ostrich for the past five years. I put in my notice. I might have a part time job lined up. I have two lined up, and with both the hiring process is almost finished. My luck is pretty terrible, but I hoped that if I had two jobs lined up, at least one wouldn’t fall through. Sigh, I underestimate how terrible my luck is. I posted on facebook that I had quit my job. I have about 20 likes and several encouraging comments. No one who knows me likes my having that job. I feel like I have jumped into a pool of water without knowing how deep it is or where it leads to. I’m scared as hell. Yet, it felt right.

My printer stopped working. I wanted to print out my notice, but I couldn’t. So, that night, I typed and printed my notice from the office computer. That was it, my notice was lying on the desk. I breathed deeply. This was Thursday night leading into Friday morning. When my store manager came in that morning, I was going to hand it to her-no problem. I worked throughout the night, trying to decide if I should tell my cashier. After all, she is the only one I work with directly. We spend 70 hours in a row together at this place. But I knew there could be no room for hesitation if I told her, so I didn’t. Still, I planned on taking the plunge that morning. My boss came in, and I felt every nerve in my body twitch and every muscle tense. Why did I suddenly feel so paralysed? I went into the office, quietly took my notice from my cubby hole and wadded it up in my hand. “I’m going home now, have a good day,” is all I said to her. My body relaxed. No, it wilted. I was apparently resigned to staying miserable and never reaching my full potential. I cursed myself on the way home from work. I couldn’t sleep because I was so confused. I felt like this was the time, but I was so afraid of things getting even worse from here. What if neither job called me even though I’ve filled out everything including tax and direct deposit information for both jobs? Ugh. I was on the edge of salvation.

I pulled out my Percy Jackson book and read myself to sleep, escaping reality for a bit. It worked, and I slept a solid eight hours with the sun shining through my flimsy curtain. I woke up, and I promised myself that I would again put in my notice. I would have to type and print it out again at work, how funny. I still didn’t tell my cashier that night, but I knew I’d have to pull off the band-aid that morning no matter how my body refused to function while I did it. My store manager wasn’t opening, I realized. Shit. Her assistant was, though, who is slightly senior to me. I would tell her, and she would tell me if I needed to call my manager or whatever. I had to do it that morning, there was no turning back, or I might freeze up again. So, she came in, and I told her that I needed to talk with her. She told me it would be a minute, so I waited, holding my resignation in my hand. I paced the floor, hoping she’d come into the office soon. She walked in, and I just said it. “I’m turning in my notice effective today. My last day will be Saturday the 29th,” I announced. “You’re quitting?” she asked. She shouldn’t be surprised. I’m a third shift leader, I’m obviously not trying to move up in the company. “Yes, I am,” I answered simply. “Okay, well it can’t be official until you tell Mrs. D-. You really need to have it written or typed on a piece of paper,” she said a little frustrated. I handed her the written notice. “Okay, we’ll put this in her box. You should text her that you put in your notice today,” Mrs. W-said. I snickered. She’s the only boss I’ve ever been told to ‘text’. I got into my car and promptly texted Mrs. D- my notice. It was done. I was closing that chapter of my life.

Now, I am in the dessert, lost, and looking at a possible path to my destination. I had wandered in the wrong area for so long, but it had enough food and water to sustain me. It wasn’t enough, though. I needed to do more than just survive. I’m moving back home to my mom, and that’s a little strange, but I feel that it is the way. I’m doing what I should have done five years ago. I’m in the process of signing up for school, and in the meantime, I’m going to work on my writing. I think once I’m away from this job that has been a heavy weight on my mind and my soul for too long, I’ll be able to focus better on that. I hope that I am on the edge of happiness and not more uncertainty. I want to fall in love with a career, a place, and even a partner in this life. Yet, I have been so jaded that embarking on a new career or relationship just seems like the road to more disappointment. I am going to try my hand at a new career though, and hopefully it’ll all work itself out. As for the love life, it’s been so disappointing my whole life that it is even scarier than the career. I think maybe I should just give up. Then I remember that without experience in things like love, disappointment, or trying something new, I couldn’t be a writer. So even if I continue to have disappointment in love, at least I can keep writing books with interesting albeit sad love stories in them. Or maybe one day I’ll have a happy ending. All I can do is jump in and test out this new water.

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