Cafe de Desiree

September 11, 2012

The Mean Reds

Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 7:09 am

A little over a week ago, I sat in my car and cried out to a God I’m not even sure I completely believe in to please help me get through this brick wall that has come down on my life. I was in my car driving from my mom’s house, and she had given me another lead for my dad. She found a job on craig’s list that sounded pretty promising and was holding open interviews the next day. Let me just add that my parents are divorced and haven’t spoken in years, but my mom wants my dad to get a job so that I will stop worrying about him. I go home and cry myself to sleep because I’m acting like an overly dramatic teenager. The next day, I wake my dad up and tell him about this interview. I choose a suitable outfit for him to wear from his closet-he hates wearing khakis and stuffing in his shirt, but I tell him to suck it up. He comes home three hours later to tell me that he has a job. I tried to contain myself, but I was beyond ectstatic. This was one of the steps that had to be taken in order for my ultimate plan to work. It wasn’t the best job in the world and paid peanuts, but it’s a full time job with benefits in town.

I then open my gmail account to find not one but two interview requests for jobs that I had recently applied for. This is after countless rejection letters from other businesses. Could it be that this God I sometimes get angry with or reject is showing me some mercy? I resolve to remember this answered prayer for times when I think God may not really be there. Then, I get an email from school telling me to call this person after being told to email this or that person through this tedious chain of emails I’ve been sending to try to figure out what to do in order to return to the university. Okay, I will call tomorrow morning, I think.

I go to my first interview, in which the interviewer talks so much that I can barely get a word in, but through this she makes it clear how much she loves working for this company and how she too started with a part time position, and look at her now. We laugh at each other’s jokes. She doesn’t look at me as being too weak or small to do a physical job because she herself is small and light and began in the same position that I’m applying for. She ends the interview with “I will definitely be getting in touch with you soon.” I take that as a good sign. I am going to the other interview in a couple of days, but I would prefer to get an offer from the first interview.

Still on a high from my seemingly successful interview, I decide to call this latest person of contact from MTSU that was emailed to me recently. She tells me that all I really need to do is take the Praxis test again, but take the Special Education Praxis test along with the general one. Excuse me? I haven’t taught or been in school for many years. My license expired a long time ago. She seems annoyed with me, but she tells me to send a request for transcript analysis, and that I’ll be applying for an initial licensure even though I already have a license since I want to take extra courses. She has that tone like, if I want to waste my time and money taking extra unneeded courses, then I can. You’re damned right I can.

For the rest of the day, I experienced what Holly Golightly referred to as “the mean reds” in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I was afraid of something, and I didn’t know what it was. I just felt uneasy and uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t feel the need to go treading to Tiffany & Co with a honey bun in my well manicured and decorated hand, so I worked out with a friend of mine then drank too much red wine. Then I asked myself why am I suddenly afraid of everything? The thought of just taking a class then walking in a classroom to teach scared the hell out of me. Why? What is going to come out of sitting through lectures and reading bullshit theories about teaching from people who haven’t been in a classroom in decades? I am deathly afraid of failing if I try this new career. I need some transition time between this career and my next. I want a job that is mentally easier for a little while, and I want time to reflect on my next career change. I want to be sure, and I want to get a taste of it before I commit to anything. Is there no student-teaching if you are switching to teach something completely different than what your degree is for? Why can’t I just be sure of what I want to do and just do it like so many others? Fear. It is ridiculous that fear takes over when everything is actually coming together in my favor for once. Am I afraid of success? And I really wish this computer would stop trying to make me type everything in British English. The red underlines are really affecting my OCD. I think it is okay for me to want some transition time. I wonder what it’s like to get paid to make students who call me with their career crisis feel utterly stupid for their decisionsĀ  while sitting at my desk hating life like Mrs. M_.

I’m going to put the fear aside for now. Things are working out finally, and I’m going to enjoy this moment of hope after drowning in hopelessness for the past, I don’t know, year? Hope and change, in their reality not just in rhetoric, is what I need in my life at this moment. It is scary as hell, but I am about to swim out of the boring shallow end that is getting way too crowded, and I’m going to climb on the diving board. It’s time to dive in to my life in this new chapter.


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