Cafe de Desiree

September 30, 2012

Freak oUt

Filed under: angst,Blogging,life — desi83 @ 4:53 pm

I just got home from my last night at Walgreens. I was an assistant manager for five years in several different cities in middle Tennessee, because constant transferring for no good reason was one of the many annoyances of being an assistant manager there. I quit without an exact plan. My mom planned for me. I know that now. She planned for me to go back to school to be a special education teacher. Why? Because I already have a teaching degree, and it is easy to get grants for that particular speciality. Also, I had a couple of good experiences with teaching special education. That is not what I want to do. I don’t want to be a teacher. I do not want to be a retail manager. I can think of five thousand other careers that absolutely do not interest me. I am a creative spirit, and I fucking hate that. Why couldn’t I have been born to be an accountant, or a doctor, or yes, a teacher? Creativity does not pay the bills unless you just happen to meet someone who gives a damn about your creativity and realizes that you have what it takes to make everyone fall in love with your stupid little talents. Because right now that is what I have-stupid little talents, a stupid useless creative mind. I have no idea what to do with it. It only took a week for four rejection emails to come to me after sending out my query to agents who represent complete trash if you ask me. No, it’s not sour grapes, it’s that they represent what people want to read right now. No one wants to read harsh reality is what I was told recently. They want to read the love stories with the happy ending all tied up in a pretty little bow with simple language that they can quickly understand. It’s literature for people who don’t read so that they can call themselves readers. I refuse to compromise though. I once read that Charles Dickens wrote a second ending to Great Expectations because his audience complained that the first ending was too dismal. His second ending merely alluded to the possibility of a happy ending. He did not want to fully compromise either.

Anyway, I am going on a complete tangent here, and the truth is that I am having a nervous breakdown. I have no fucking clue what to do next, but there is this passion and desire in me that has no where to go. I cannot be stifled anymore. I need to figure out what to do, though, because as much as I know in my heart that I had to get out of that suffocating career, there is reality to face. I am about to be broke. I am going to be living with my mom who is going to be telling me what to do and trying to make life choices for me. I need to know what to do. I want to write! God I just want to write anything, any job that has anything to do with writing would be fine. Writing is the only thing I’ve ever done that I was proud of and that other people praised me for. I hope that you don’t judge my skills based on this particular post! I don’t even know where I want to be.  I hate Murfreesboro! I hate it so much. I think I may even hate Tennessee. I wonder what New York is like. That is where the creative minds go, right? Shit shit shit losing my damned mind. I have also been awake for almost twenty hours. I can’t sleep, though,  not like this. If anyone out there has any advice with more clout than ‘follow your dreams’ please give it to me. So far, all I have is  a plan to go on a camping/hiking trip with just my dog soon. I need to think away from all of this noise.

September 23, 2012

My mall horror story

Filed under: Blogging,life — desi83 @ 4:03 am

After my work-out, I decided to go to the mall to find a new fall outfit. Before I left, I had a minor freak-out about the fact that, while I have many lovely summer duds and sexy dresses to wear to parties and such, my fall wardrobe sucks. I think most of my fall and winter clothes got lost in the attic. I have a tiny bedroom closet, so I pack away clothes that are out of season and bring them back down when the season returns. However, it seems that my box marked “Fall and Winter clothes” has eaten about half of those clothes. So, yeah, after a low impact work-out that didn’t leave me sweaty, I headed to the mall. I scoured all of the cheap teeny bopper stores in search of a suitable casual outfit to wear on this cool night. An hour and a half later, I found something that looked like what I wore in high school. I guess grunge is back in style? You don’t know how happy that makes me. Yeah, I was obsessed with Nirvana and pretty much the whole Seattle grunge rock scene fifteen years ago. So, this plaid shirt and ripped up jeans combo feels like home to me, very nostalgic.

After I had decided to buy this outfit after pacing the floor with it in my hand for awhile, I noticed the sales ladies were staring at me, and it was time for them to close. I made my purchase and headed out, noticing the bars coming down on the front of all the stores. Yes, they look like prison bars to me. I headed to the door through which I’d entered to discover-it was locked. Fuck. I speed walked to the next exit, and jiggled another locked door. I started cursing to myself, then I realized I was saying it kind of loudly. I tried two more doors to no avail. I caught a sunglass hut vendor locking up his little cart, and I frantically asked him how I was supposed to get out of there. He pointed to the doors I’d just tried. I told him they were locked. He didn’t believe me, so he headed over to those doors, I guess to prove to me that I just don’t know how to push open a door.

“They’re not fucking open,” I cried as I headed to Chuck E Cheese because it looked like it was alive with people. I saw a guard, and I shouted, “How do I get out of this mall?” She laughed and told me to go out Chuck E Cheese. I headed that way, then I saw two mall workers heading to the main doors down that side of the mall. I decided to follow them, and stood back as they jiggled the locked doors. Wow, even the workers couldn’t leave the mall. We were all trapped in here. I didn’t want to sleep in the mall. How ridiculous for me to even think that would be an option. I decided to try going through Chuck E Cheese, and the workers followed me. They were happily surprised to find that we could, indeed, exit out of Chuck E Cheese past all of the children staying up past their bed time and the parents that were having beer and pizza and not paying any attention to the kids. I pushed open the door, and the workers thanked me. What the hell? How do they normally leave the mall after work? I seriously thought I was in the midst of some terrible horror movie or some cheesy comedy about being stuck in the mall with a few other people and going through some self-discovery. That fresh air felt quite nice, and I pretty much gave up on trying to do anything else on my Saturday night. Something was telling me to go home.

September 21, 2012

Be grateful for the moments, for they shall soon pass

Filed under: Blogging,life,poetry,relationships — desi83 @ 7:16 am

Okay, I just inadvertently hurt my best friend’s feelings for like the millionth time because of my stupid mouth. I’m so glad that she didn’t ditch me years ago. I complained publicly about how this week has been a bust, and I had just hung out with her earlier in the day. Her taking offence to my stupid ignorant statement made me realize a seriously bad habit I’ve developed over the years. I focus on the negative ALL THE TIME. I forget to appreciate the positive, I forget to be grateful to people. I just see what has gone wrong or just didn’t go the way I wished it would. It’s like the part of my brain that focuses on the positive somehow stopped working. The thing is, the big picture is not looking so good right now. So, standing back, I have a hard time noticing the details that are quite lovely. I was just telling a friend of mine, well, someone who is sometimes more than a friend but he’s as screwed up as I am, that my motto right now is Carpe Diem. It’s my new philosophy. Well, that was a bunch of bullshit. Because even with him, we have had such lovely moments over the years, and the truth is, neither of us could handle a relationship right now until we get ourselves together. We’ve had these lovely moments, intensely memorable experiences, but mostly I just get sad that there can’t be more. For what? So I could just mess it up and add him to the list of tried and failed relationships? I don’t want to be with him, but I get sad that I can’t be with him. I really am afraid of happiness. I guess I’m lucky that he is as well. Oh God I hope he never reads this. I got off topic a bit. The point is, I need to stop being sad about not having things that I don’t even know that I want and just appreciate what few lovely unforgettable moments that I am graced with in this life.

I held a baby today, my best friend’s little boy. He felt so good in my arms, and I melted when I watched him smile at me as I raised him in the air and bounced him softly on my knees. I could have sat all day with that little miracle. He was a surprise, actually, supposed to have been born later when the other kids were older and the mother’s health was better. Yet, he’s been such a freaking blessing, and I think he was born at exactly the right time. They now have their complete family, and it is something beautiful. The truth is, I got a bit sad while I was looking into his  little wonderous eyes. Would I ever have one of these of my own? Would I even be able to handle one of these? Maybe it’s best to just borrow him every now and then.

While I dig through the confusing paperwork in my brain to try to figure out what path I’m supposed to be taking, I know that I need to cherish the moments and stop being depressed about things that don’t work out, because they’re not supposed to work out. I need to go into the silence and ask, why am I here, what I am to do? The truth is, the only thing that has ever felt right to me is writing. I have always just been able to sit down and do it, and it feels like breathing to me. Just about everything else I try feels a bit wrong. Yet, how many people in this life make a living off their art? Not too many. As for my love life, I need to find someone like me, because no one else could understand or deal with me. I need someone else who is a tortured artist of some sort who is blunt and speaks before thinking so that we can’t get mad at each other-because we both do it. I need someone who will jump on a plane with me or climb a mountain when I start to feel crazy and need to get away. I need someone who will dance with me and not just sit on the bench. I need someone to make me laugh because my God, I’m so tired of all the seriousness. Also, someone who likes this kind of sad beautiful music that I listen to. Sigh. Until then, I’m going to try to seize the day. John Keats shows us on his Grecian Urn how happy the world would be if frozen in the beginning of the loveliest moments because we never experience the disappointment of the moments’ passing. This can’t be, so we just have to remember the feeling we had in those frozen moments, and know that the disappointment will fade.

September 20, 2012

On the Edge of Happiness

Filed under: Blogging,life,relationships — desi83 @ 5:49 am

Well, I took a risk finally after living like a scared ostrich for the past five years. I put in my notice. I might have a part time job lined up. I have two lined up, and with both the hiring process is almost finished. My luck is pretty terrible, but I hoped that if I had two jobs lined up, at least one wouldn’t fall through. Sigh, I underestimate how terrible my luck is. I posted on facebook that I had quit my job. I have about 20 likes and several encouraging comments. No one who knows me likes my having that job. I feel like I have jumped into a pool of water without knowing how deep it is or where it leads to. I’m scared as hell. Yet, it felt right.

My printer stopped working. I wanted to print out my notice, but I couldn’t. So, that night, I typed and printed my notice from the office computer. That was it, my notice was lying on the desk. I breathed deeply. This was Thursday night leading into Friday morning. When my store manager came in that morning, I was going to hand it to her-no problem. I worked throughout the night, trying to decide if I should tell my cashier. After all, she is the only one I work with directly. We spend 70 hours in a row together at this place. But I knew there could be no room for hesitation if I told her, so I didn’t. Still, I planned on taking the plunge that morning. My boss came in, and I felt every nerve in my body twitch and every muscle tense. Why did I suddenly feel so paralysed? I went into the office, quietly took my notice from my cubby hole and wadded it up in my hand. “I’m going home now, have a good day,” is all I said to her. My body relaxed. No, it wilted. I was apparently resigned to staying miserable and never reaching my full potential. I cursed myself on the way home from work. I couldn’t sleep because I was so confused. I felt like this was the time, but I was so afraid of things getting even worse from here. What if neither job called me even though I’ve filled out everything including tax and direct deposit information for both jobs? Ugh. I was on the edge of salvation.

I pulled out my Percy Jackson book and read myself to sleep, escaping reality for a bit. It worked, and I slept a solid eight hours with the sun shining through my flimsy curtain. I woke up, and I promised myself that I would again put in my notice. I would have to type and print it out again at work, how funny. I still didn’t tell my cashier that night, but I knew I’d have to pull off the band-aid that morning no matter how my body refused to function while I did it. My store manager wasn’t opening, I realized. Shit. Her assistant was, though, who is slightly senior to me. I would tell her, and she would tell me if I needed to call my manager or whatever. I had to do it that morning, there was no turning back, or I might freeze up again. So, she came in, and I told her that I needed to talk with her. She told me it would be a minute, so I waited, holding my resignation in my hand. I paced the floor, hoping she’d come into the office soon. She walked in, and I just said it. “I’m turning in my notice effective today. My last day will be Saturday the 29th,” I announced. “You’re quitting?” she asked. She shouldn’t be surprised. I’m a third shift leader, I’m obviously not trying to move up in the company. “Yes, I am,” I answered simply. “Okay, well it can’t be official until you tell Mrs. D-. You really need to have it written or typed on a piece of paper,” she said a little frustrated. I handed her the written notice. “Okay, we’ll put this in her box. You should text her that you put in your notice today,” Mrs. W-said. I snickered. She’s the only boss I’ve ever been told to ‘text’. I got into my car and promptly texted Mrs. D- my notice. It was done. I was closing that chapter of my life.

Now, I am in the dessert, lost, and looking at a possible path to my destination. I had wandered in the wrong area for so long, but it had enough food and water to sustain me. It wasn’t enough, though. I needed to do more than just survive. I’m moving back home to my mom, and that’s a little strange, but I feel that it is the way. I’m doing what I should have done five years ago. I’m in the process of signing up for school, and in the meantime, I’m going to work on my writing. I think once I’m away from this job that has been a heavy weight on my mind and my soul for too long, I’ll be able to focus better on that. I hope that I am on the edge of happiness and not more uncertainty. I want to fall in love with a career, a place, and even a partner in this life. Yet, I have been so jaded that embarking on a new career or relationship just seems like the road to more disappointment. I am going to try my hand at a new career though, and hopefully it’ll all work itself out. As for the love life, it’s been so disappointing my whole life that it is even scarier than the career. I think maybe I should just give up. Then I remember that without experience in things like love, disappointment, or trying something new, I couldn’t be a writer. So even if I continue to have disappointment in love, at least I can keep writing books with interesting albeit sad love stories in them. Or maybe one day I’ll have a happy ending. All I can do is jump in and test out this new water.

September 11, 2012

The Mean Reds

Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 7:09 am

A little over a week ago, I sat in my car and cried out to a God I’m not even sure I completely believe in to please help me get through this brick wall that has come down on my life. I was in my car driving from my mom’s house, and she had given me another lead for my dad. She found a job on craig’s list that sounded pretty promising and was holding open interviews the next day. Let me just add that my parents are divorced and haven’t spoken in years, but my mom wants my dad to get a job so that I will stop worrying about him. I go home and cry myself to sleep because I’m acting like an overly dramatic teenager. The next day, I wake my dad up and tell him about this interview. I choose a suitable outfit for him to wear from his closet-he hates wearing khakis and stuffing in his shirt, but I tell him to suck it up. He comes home three hours later to tell me that he has a job. I tried to contain myself, but I was beyond ectstatic. This was one of the steps that had to be taken in order for my ultimate plan to work. It wasn’t the best job in the world and paid peanuts, but it’s a full time job with benefits in town.

I then open my gmail account to find not one but two interview requests for jobs that I had recently applied for. This is after countless rejection letters from other businesses. Could it be that this God I sometimes get angry with or reject is showing me some mercy? I resolve to remember this answered prayer for times when I think God may not really be there. Then, I get an email from school telling me to call this person after being told to email this or that person through this tedious chain of emails I’ve been sending to try to figure out what to do in order to return to the university. Okay, I will call tomorrow morning, I think.

I go to my first interview, in which the interviewer talks so much that I can barely get a word in, but through this she makes it clear how much she loves working for this company and how she too started with a part time position, and look at her now. We laugh at each other’s jokes. She doesn’t look at me as being too weak or small to do a physical job because she herself is small and light and began in the same position that I’m applying for. She ends the interview with “I will definitely be getting in touch with you soon.” I take that as a good sign. I am going to the other interview in a couple of days, but I would prefer to get an offer from the first interview.

Still on a high from my seemingly successful interview, I decide to call this latest person of contact from MTSU that was emailed to me recently. She tells me that all I really need to do is take the Praxis test again, but take the Special Education Praxis test along with the general one. Excuse me? I haven’t taught or been in school for many years. My license expired a long time ago. She seems annoyed with me, but she tells me to send a request for transcript analysis, and that I’ll be applying for an initial licensure even though I already have a license since I want to take extra courses. She has that tone like, if I want to waste my time and money taking extra unneeded courses, then I can. You’re damned right I can.

For the rest of the day, I experienced what Holly Golightly referred to as “the mean reds” in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I was afraid of something, and I didn’t know what it was. I just felt uneasy and uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t feel the need to go treading to Tiffany & Co with a honey bun in my well manicured and decorated hand, so I worked out with a friend of mine then drank too much red wine. Then I asked myself why am I suddenly afraid of everything? The thought of just taking a class then walking in a classroom to teach scared the hell out of me. Why? What is going to come out of sitting through lectures and reading bullshit theories about teaching from people who haven’t been in a classroom in decades? I am deathly afraid of failing if I try this new career. I need some transition time between this career and my next. I want a job that is mentally easier for a little while, and I want time to reflect on my next career change. I want to be sure, and I want to get a taste of it before I commit to anything. Is there no student-teaching if you are switching to teach something completely different than what your degree is for? Why can’t I just be sure of what I want to do and just do it like so many others? Fear. It is ridiculous that fear takes over when everything is actually coming together in my favor for once. Am I afraid of success? And I really wish this computer would stop trying to make me type everything in British English. The red underlines are really affecting my OCD. I think it is okay for me to want some transition time. I wonder what it’s like to get paid to make students who call me with their career crisis feel utterly stupid for their decisions  while sitting at my desk hating life like Mrs. M_.

I’m going to put the fear aside for now. Things are working out finally, and I’m going to enjoy this moment of hope after drowning in hopelessness for the past, I don’t know, year? Hope and change, in their reality not just in rhetoric, is what I need in my life at this moment. It is scary as hell, but I am about to swim out of the boring shallow end that is getting way too crowded, and I’m going to climb on the diving board. It’s time to dive in to my life in this new chapter.

September 3, 2012

Oh Rejection, how soon you found me

Filed under: Uncategorized — desi83 @ 4:46 pm

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I sent query letters to four agencies that I looked up on the internet. Then, one by one, I received replies from each of them. I assumed it would take a few weeks. However, in a matter of a week, I received four politely written rejection emails. Sigh. I am trying to remind myself of the Nicolas Sparks story, or the lovely antecdote about Micheal Jordan not making his high school basketball team. I have to muddle through the rejection and keep sending out letters. I just have to find that one right agent who reads my synopsis and thinks, “Yes, this is the kind of story I have been looking for! You’re getting published!” That’s how everything in life is-finding the right person in the right moment. I just need my moment to come soon in some aspect of my life, be it my book, my love(less) life, or my career situation. I’m also getting rejected by job seekers because I’m either over qualified or someone more qualified applies. Seriously, I can’t win. But it’s like the lottery-you can’t win if you don’t play. So, I’ll send more query letters. I’ll send out more applications. In the meantime, I’ll hope for the other two goals to come to fruition. And maybe one day they’ll be sorry they rejected me when they see they could have made millions off of my New York Times Best Seller List book.

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