Cafe de Desiree

March 23, 2012

Broken

Filed under: angst,Blogging,relationships — desi83 @ 5:35 am

My wedding dress hangs in my closet, hidden from the world. My veil sits on my dresser, mocking me. The “Us” album that he created for me lays on my floor with clothes covering it from my sight. The ring is a ghost that I keep feeling on my finger on my left hand. I chose to walk away, and I do not regret it. I do regret letting it get that far. I regret most of my life decisions. At least this time I did stop a decision before it came into fruition. It could’ve been worse; it could’ve been a divorce years down the road. It still hurts because even though I chose to walk away and am glad that I did, I still broke off an engagement. I thought, at one point in time, that I was going to marry this man. I thought I wanted to be with him forever. Hurting someone, breaking someone else’s heart, hurts. I can’t just walk away and go on as if it was just a bump in the road of life. My heart feels cold, and my mind is cloudy. I am an empty shell right now, going through the motions. But who mourns the wicked? I don’t have the right to feel this way I guess. I am the one who broke someone else’s heart without a good explanation. How do you explain it? How do you make that person understand? My feelings changed, and I realized that I couldn’t see myself with him forever. Why not? What changed my mind?

I learned a few lessons from this that I should’ve learned long ago. When I meet someone, if he has any qualities that are deal-breakers, I cannot change them. Eventually those deal-breakers weigh on me to the point that I cannot bare them because they do not change. Also, falling in love by the third date is not realistic. Rushing into love always ends in heartbreak and despair. I also learned that it is okay to be single at 30. I am not yet 30, but I will be 29 in a couple of days, so I will most likely be single when I’m 30 unless Taye Diggs gets a divorce and knocks on my door. In all seriousness, yes, I’m an old spinster by some accounts. But I’m okay with that now. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. Lastly, I have a lot of issues that I need to work on before I can make someone else happy or be happy with that person. I need to self-improve before I can let anyone else in. As soon as I get out of this slump that consists of having anxiety attacks that are subdued by consuming a bottle of wine each time, I am going to build a better me. This is the Better Woman Project in honor of the Better Man Project blog;) I’ll come up with my own title as to not steal someone else’s idea. I know there is potential, I know there is a great person somewhere in here. I just have to find her.

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1 Comment »

  1. I scrolled down on your stuff and this caught my eye. There is nothing at all wrong with you or your decision. It just says you are not willing to settle for anything but the best… the closest thing to perfection that two people can have-says you have a strong character and know what you want. You can turn it over in your mind-look under every rotten log-ask friends and family if you were right or wrong… all the time looking for a reflection from someone else’s perspective.. a glimmer of light that will bring closure to your decision. But the truth is it’s not there. All of the answers will be different or just bring more unanswered thoughts. The trouble with love is it clouds rational thinking. Breaking it off was rational thinking kicking you in the ass and saying-I’m not putting up with this sh.t. But the next time that warm feeling comes you will be able to make a clear decision.. simply because you know without a shadow of a doubt what you want. When it hits you it will be like lightning. Wasn’t trying to draw a psychological profile. Just sharing based on my experience. FYI I drink wine out of the bottle like colt 45.

    Comment by Matt — June 17, 2012 @ 4:42 am | Reply


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